By: Ben
Johnson
Some members of the human race were born with
an innate ability to run very fast over short distances, while making very
quick changes of direction and possessing abnormal vision, dexterity, strength,
and coordination. They are athletic freaks of nature and geniuses of proprioception, these people.
Some of them worked very hard for their entire lives to emphasize all of these
qualities to the maximum amount a human body is capable of, and some of those
people did not get injured in any major ability-sapping way, and some of THOSE people
are wide receivers in the NFL.
You are none of those things. You are a
skidmark on the transient homeless man’s undies of human-scale time. You are so
insignificant you might as well already be dead. Your fantasy football draft is
coming up soon.
Why don’t you take the incredible gift of
consciousness which no other animal in the known universe has been granted and
use it to take a look at some wide receivers that you can pretend to have in a
fake football team that only exists in your own mind? You should do that. Here
are some good ones:
1. Calvin Johnson, Detroit Lions
My
maternal grandfather who died before I was born was named Calvin. So far I’ve
had some pretty bad luck in the “being
named the same thing as a famous athlete” department. So, you know, thanks
a lot for ruining a good family name for a nonexistent future son of mine, asshole.
I have to think about these things because my DNA is important. Please please
say my DNA is important.
2. Dez Bryant, Dallas Cowboys
Speaking
of important DNA, it came out last year after a since-dropped assault charge
that Dez Bryant’s mom had him when she was only 14 years old and has a murky
legal history of her own. I am not judging. We are all alone in this uncaring
world; most of our offspring are as important in the grand scheme of things as
fruit flies, and most of them can’t catch a football. Many of us don’t even
have children, which is dumb because having children is the only accomplishment that
could possibly thwart the inevitable total galactic failure of the species.
3. A.J. Green, Cincinnati Bengals
Green
was targeted on passes a total of 175 times last season, which accounted for
31% of the Bengals’ total targets, and he averaged 8.2 yards per target. That
means he is very good at catching a football, and also it means absolute nothing.
4. Brandon Marshall, Chicago Bears
I
admire Marshall for being upfront about his BPD
diagnosis and sticking to a treatment plan that appears to be working for
him. According to the feature by Doug Farrar linked to above, one symptom of Borderline
Personality Disorder includes “heightened feelings of loneliness and boredom.”
It’s probably not easy to be diagnosed with Total Sanity In The Face Of The Indifferent
Infinity Of Time And Space. Throw a football near Brandon Marshall and he will
probably catch it.
5. Julio Jones, Atlanta Falcons
The
Atlanta Falcons gave up a lot in order to draft Julio Jones and that is what I
know about Julio Jones because that is what people told me about Julio Jones
and now I am telling you again about it. The Atlanta Falcons gave up a lot in
order to draft Julio Jones. These are the things our brains are doing before
reverting forever back into unliving mounds of gelatinous goop.
6. Victor Cruz, New York Giants
If
you draft Victor Cruz for your fantasy team, you will have an opportunity to salsa dance along with him
in celebration of his touchdowns. If you are a white male, this will mark
perhaps the only time that salsa dancing is anything but a richly deserved
ritual of culture-based humiliation intended to remind you how indelibly
unfuckable you are despite your heritage of global domination. In terms of
mating strategies, there are a lot of ways to skin a cat, and you’re a part of
the rich-but-basically-otherwise-unfuckable tradition, bro. Fuckin’ FOOTBALL!
7. Demaryius Thomas, Denver Broncos
Demaryius
Thomas says he “ain’t
no superstar.” Neither is our sun,
Demaryius. It’s just a regular old yellow, G2 V main sequence dwarf, and it’s
dying just like the rest of us.
8. Randall Cobb, Green Bay Packers
AWESOMES
TERIFIES YA, you guys.
9. Roddy White, Atlanta Falcons
Roddy
White is 31 years old. When you play football for a living, 31 years old is
when you start to be an old man. When you live for a living, you start to be an
old man when you wonder if Roddy White is too old to be good anymore and you
look up his age and it’s two years younger than you are. Roddy White gained
1,351 yards from scrimmage last year in the NFL, which is a lot. He’s doing
fine. I’m doing fine. Can we just please have time not go forward on the whole
Roddy White thing until I’m ready?
10. Andre Johnson, Houston Texans
Wait,
I’m older than Andre Johnson too? I feel like I’m going to die of old age
TOMORROW.
11. Marques Colston, New Orleans Saints
Colston
should be poised for a big year provided he can put his lingering foot injury
behind him, and if you think I’m going to look up how old he is, you’re fucking
crazy. There’s no way. I’m gonna stick with the shadows on the cave wall as far
as Marques Colston’s age is concerned. The fact that we are all as
insignificant as dust mites and yet we can ACTUALLY KNOW IT is a cruel, cruel
joke.
12. Dwayne Bowe, Kansas City Chiefs
New
Chiefs coach Andy Reid should probably try to get this guy the ball a lot
somehow. Except Andy Reid doesn’t play quarterback. Instead he stands around looking
like a walrus in the rain. Okay, boring cheap shot on Andy Reid, but come
on, you guys. After this I get to be done soon. With life.
Other receivers: Jordy Nelson, Steve Smith,
Larry Fitzgerald, Reggie Wayne, Vincent Jackson, Antonio Brown, Steve Johnson,
Wes Welker, Hakeem Nicks, Tavon Austin, Danny Amendola, Pierre Garcon, and, you
know, a bunch of other guys. What do you want from me, INFORMATION? Everything
we’ve ever done is like a dream of a fart in the wind.
