By: Pete Johnson
I have a couple of weird, ultra-specific daydreams I like to think about. They are both dumb. One of them is that I am in charge of hiring someone to do something, and during their job interview I show them a photograph of a rock. Like, a nice big old rock. I would then ask the applicant what they thought of when they looked at this picture of a rock. The answer I would be looking for would be an immediate "I want to stand on top of that rock." I would then hire this person on the spot, because I am a moron who should never be trusted to hire anyone to do anything.
One time I saw a picture of a rock and I noticed myself thinking "hey, cool rock. I want to stand on top of it." Then I developed this job interview scenario I think about sometimes. Real people would probably say the picture of a rock made them think about way more interesting things, which would be fun. What does this picture of a rock make me think about? I fucking need this job is all I can think about, you dickhead. What if someone cold responded with just "DEATH."
The other daydream I have is that for some reason I show somebody a picture of a high stakes business meeting. Everyone is in power suits, someone is yelling, everyone looks rich but also stressed out. I ask this person; "who do you think is the smartest person in this picture?" No, I would say as I smugly stroke my graying beard. The smartest person in this photo is not any of the smart looking dipshit businessmen. The only smart person in the photo is the janitor in the corner, smiling to himself as he goes about his day. "The one smart thing you can do in this life is to be happy!" I will exclaim to the bird who is no longer listening.
I just watched this documentary about a guy who spent his whole life making sushi. It is called Jiro Dreams of Sushi, and it is a fun way to spend some time thinking about how glad you are to not be an idiot who spent his whole life trying to be real good at something. This adorable, ancient man has spent his entire life trying to be the best at making sushi. He is pretty clearly the best at sushi, and is also the worst, dumbest guy.
There would be no difference at all between this guy and someone who spent their entire life doing push ups in a closet if rich people could eat push ups. The only resource any of us get that matters is time. This dummy spent all of his neglecting his children so he could be the best at sushi?
Sushi is great. I love to eat lots and lots of sushi. It is a real treat when I get to eat sushi from literally anywhere that makes sushi. I think I would really like eating some of Jiro's world-famous sushi. I also know that I would really like eating some sushi made by the guy who held the boom mic during the filming of Jiro Dreams of Sushi. There would be a big difference to someone with a refined palete, but thankfully I do not have one of those. Refined palates are like a pair of those dangling truck nuts. If you own one you are an asshole and I feel sorry for you.
I've never really understood the need to leave a legacy. Great job, the guy who discovered tacos, but do you think anyone is going to be looking at your monument and giving a shit when the sun dies? You know what I want my legacy to be? Nothing. Here lies Pete, end of statement. He spent his whole life in one room eating hummus so he could continuously light his farts on fire and boy did he laugh like a maniac every time. Anything is better than he dedicated his life to being the best at making rich people go mmmmm for 3 seconds. Fuck you, Jiro.