Wednesday, May 27, 2015

A Handy Guide To Turtle Doctor-Related Memorabilia

By: Ben Johnson

Look, can we just pretend this introduction is an interesting and acceptable way to say that somebody else told me about an internet thing that probably everybody else already knew about and now I’m acting like I’m an expert on it? I went to elementary school with Jes Skolnik, who is cool, and who knows people who are cool, but also knows me, and she put a link to the Supernova23a store on her Facebook and I saw it. Is what happened. Pretend that’s interesting.

Apparently Supernova23a is an internet merchant whose business strategy is to generate a catalog of over 2.7 million items for sale, which is the outcome of a few boilerplate customizable products multiplied by however many oddly specific, syntactically puzzling, and algorithmically-generated pithy sayings which the merchants have proposed can be printed on them. Once these products are cataloged, the next step is to just sit around and hope that some Google searcher may eventually want to self-identify as “I Am That Crazy Girl Who Loves Giraffes” enough to pay $26 to own a t-shirt which says that on it, which, okay, might not ever happen, but maintaining an online product card is low overhead, so why the fuck not try.

Let’s also skip the part of the intro where I talk about the cultural and economic and technological implications of this, with horseshit thinkpiecy phrases in it like “the internet has become itself.” Forget that. You can click on it yourself, and be utterly hypnotized by the sheer volume of complete nothing it represents. If you do so, I’d be happy to talk to you about it. I clicked on it and this is my new life now, so we would have that in common. I might, one day, eventually, become so obsessed with this as to actually look at all 2.7 million available products. But probably not. That’s probably not even possible.

So here’s what I’ll do for you. I’ll show you a select few of just the products they have available for and related to the profession of Turtle Doctor. You know, like a Doctor who is a Turtle Doctor? That complete thing, that is surely a thing, and not just two words rammed up against each other by a computer? That common, common, plausibly common profession? Turtle Doctor? Here are some products related to Turtle Doctoring:


This hat is a great way for significant others to show support for the special Turtle Doctor in their life while also shielding their faces and eyes from the sun’s harmful UV rays. Also, if it is raining, a baseball-style hat such as this will function as a sort of face-only umbrella. This is a viable product because of the high number of people who love hats and who are also currently in love with a Turtle Doctor, who one would presume are sensitive, giving, and extraordinarily patient lovers due to the fact that they are Turtle Doctors.


Nothing is so reassuring to a turtle as when their doctor wears a tie such as this one.


Try this situation on for size: you, a Turtle Doctor, are relaxing with friends in a congenial Bavarian festival environment, while unbeknownst to you a fellow reveler experiences a turtle emergency! Due to the loudness of the Oompah Band and other Bavarian-style distractions, you might not be able to spring to action in time to solve this particular turtle-based health crisis unless you are drinking beer out of a beer stein which correctly identifies you as the current Turtle Doctor. That would be a shame of proportions you are well aware of due to you are the Turtle Doctor. Other uses: if you are in a social group of multiple Turtle Doctors enjoying some well-deserved Turtle Doctor downtime, and would out of a sense of duty like to designate one among the peer group as the acting Turtle Doctor should need arise; if you are in a social group with a horse doctor and a tiger doctor or other such Non-Turtle Doctors when a turtle-only or turtle-specific medical scenario happens, and time is of the essence; or else perhaps you'd like to self-identify as a Turtle Doctor for clarity's sake in a Turtle Doctor dating scenario such as...


Two things that every modern woman needs: 1. STANDARDS, 2. warm legs.


The journey of life is not often a straight line, and few people know that more than Turtle Doctors. This item is a fantastic gift idea for the recent graduate of Turtle Medical School, who just spent many hard years and incurred a great deal of debt to learn the particulars of that noble profession, and who deserves to relax and reflect on a life well lived while listening to music. Becoming a Turtle Doctor is a major life event and achievement, and one that is always well worth enduring all the personal sacrifices which are invariably a requirement if one is to successfully navigate the brutally cutthroat Turtle Doctor certification process.


Recovery and treatment is a sensitive topic. We are certainly rooting for everybody who is facing such a struggle, and we are of course especially rooting for Turtle Doctors. We are not going to tell you how to feel or act like we know what is best for you. We offer you this mug for encouragement. It costs £22.95.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

A Week in the Life of the Slug That Lives on My Front Stoop

By: Kelly McClure


Well, here it is. A fresh week. Oh God, here comes this asshole. 


Yeah, why not put your foot a little closer to me? Idiot.


You bitches have that whole big house. Why the hell do you keep coming out here? This is my house, and I don't like you. Dumb bitches.


I'm not trying to touch you. Why do you keep trying to touch me? Don't touch me anymore. Your finger makes me sick. Stupid. You stupid, stupid, asshole.




Fine, don't even ask me why I'm sad. I'll tell you anyway. My friend Lance took a walk around a margarita late last night. 


Someday I'm gonna get off this stoop. I can go anywhere I want. I can go right off into that grass if I feel like it. You smelly, stupid, retards.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

All The Jokes I Have About Being Single

By: Ben Johnson

"It's funny you should mention that, I'm a sociopath too!"

Here are some jokes about being single. 

I am single now, which is weird. I was not single for a long time, over seven years, and now I am single. I apologize if this is new information to you and you care and this is a strange way for you to hear about it, or if it is information you don’t care about. But it is the truth. I am a single man.

The last time I was single, I was 27 years old, not particularly employed, and my favorite hobby was drinking an abnormally large percentage of worldwide alcohol in order to not hate everything. This time I am 35 years old, employed, sober, and my favorite hobby is sitting down any place that doesn’t hurt my butt while something I don’t hate is happening. I am different and things are different.

Some things are the same. I have recently been on dates with women, and found that while you’re on a date with a woman, sometimes a thing is whether or not you’re going to kiss. Mouth on mouth kissing is still a thing. The world has not outgrown the idea of strangers touching mouths after going to a restaurant and eating a meal and talking about how many siblings everybody has.

The idea of kissing is that a person, who is just some person from the world in a shape you hopefully think is nice, will want you to kiss their mouth with your mouth, and you can do that. I get the sense you’re supposed to close your eyes and go “mmm” about it as if you’re expressing connoisseur-like approval of some fine simple pleasure that amounts to more than two weird stranger mouths touching. This fact is astonishing. I would feel more comfortable touching eyeballs. At least that way I’d know it’s equally weird for everybody.

Holding hands is also still a thing. People hold hands while walking down the street when they like each other, and sometimes if you’re walking down the street with a person, that person will like it if you hold their hand. I will not like it. I am 35 years old. I don’t need help walking down a street. I can walk down a street just fine, even if I’m completely unsupervised. I don’t like the idea of holding hands. The next time you see a couple holding hands and walking with their backs to you, imagine a movie voice over saying “…and that’s the last time I ever saw them before they were sawed in half in that speed boat accident.” It will not feel out of place.

These people have only two combined useful, available hands right now.

Another thing that happens when you're single is sometimes people you don’t know that well will agree to have sex with your penis.

Here are some penis jokes about being single:

I haven’t been single for over seven years. My penis is like Dick Van Winkle. My penis hopes America is ready for a black president. My penis is still looking for Season 2 Disc 3 of Scrubs because Netflix wants it back. My penis just now got a Blackberry because it was the free phone at U.S. Cellular. My penis is on the way to your house with directions it printed out from MapQuest. My penis needs you to come over and explain the difference between a PDF and a Word document.

There are phone apps for dating now, and they are sad. I’ve gone on Tinder. Tinder is like a giant sad zoo where every exhibit has a plaque with a picture of a pigeon that just says “BIRD” under it. “BIRD.” No, I don’t want to see that bird. “BIRD.” No. “BIRD.” No thanks. “BIRD.” No. “TERRIFYING MASTURBATING GORILLA.” NO! JESUS! “BIRD.” No. “BIRD.” No. “Nice looking bird with glasses” No. Wait, yes, shit. Shit, that bird is gone, I might have liked that bird. “BIRD.” No. “BIRD.” Yes. Wait. No. Whatever. “THE WORST BIRD” NO! “JUST A BIRD NO BIGGIE” Yes, fine. “New Message from BIRD1981: hi i am a bird.”

The entrance to this zoo is like "login via Facebook."

I’m not good at dating. I am emotionally volatile right now because of not knowing how to be single. I'm what you might call a real "nightmare boat." 

Sometimes I go on a date with a person and it’s just kind of not the best and I think “oh no, everything is bad, I’m going to ruin this person’s life forever.” Sometimes I go on one date and it’s just kind of fun and I think “yeah, but wait until later, this person probably can’t wait to ruin my life forever, I better be on the lookout.” I have a lot of thoughts that are about “me” and involve the word “forever.” These thoughts are dumb, and if I sometimes fail to avoid sharing them via words, I have discovered that I have the ability to sound like the absolute dumbest person on the planet.

Dating is weird. Nobody loves dating. Dating is just a weird thing that people do in order to no longer have to do it. Nobody’s in a healthy, fulfilling relationship that’s less enjoyable than talking to strangers about what TV shows they like. “Uh huh yeah I like Game of Thrones, but sometimes it’s rough, but I still watch it. This is the best conversation I have ever had. I am having the time of my life. I could die right now and be happy. Oh no, I stopped watching Mad Men. Now this is the worst conversation I've ever had.”

Anyway, those are some jokes I came up with about being single. I hope they don’t make anybody upset. They’re just jokes. Have a nice day. Thanks.