Monday, June 27, 2016

How To Not Be A Turd Person

By: Kelly McClure

Do you know what a turd person is? Maybe you don't. A turd person is a person who is more like a turd than they are more NOT like a turd. There are a lot of turd people. A LOT. You may not recognize a turd person right away. Sometimes it can take anywhere between 30 seconds to a full day of exposure before you conclude that, yes, the person you've just encountered is in fact a turd person. 

If you're reading this right now and are wondering "hey, how do I know if I'm a turd person?" There are clues. As a preventative measure, here's how to proactively not be a turd person, if that sounds like something you'd be interested in not being.

1) When visiting someone's house for the first time walk in and say hi to everyone. Say hi to everyone in the house you're in. Say hi to the animals in and around the house too. If there are people outside, say hi to them as well. 

2) Don't move things in a person's house if you don't absolutely need to. Walking up to a thing and moving it to another location is something only a turd person would do. Don't do this. Also, don't slam your turd body down onto furniture so that it moves around the house. Have you ever seen a couch before? 

3) Don't say or write the word "cheers" unless you're holding a drink in your hand at the time of writing and or saying the word. 

4) Don't do that thing where when a person is talking to you you start looking past either side of their face into an undetermined distance. What are you looking at? Are you looking for turds?

5) Don't interrupt people. Chances are the sentence you're about to interrupt is almost over. Wait it out. No one needs to hear the turdy thing you have to say anyway. 

6) Congratulate people on the awesome things that happen to them, even if nothing awesome ever happens to you. 

7) Say something nice to a person when something terrible/tragic/god awful happens to them. If you've met a person once, or even just interacted with them online a few times, you need to do this or else ... turd person. 

8) Don't just randomly touch a person's body. Don't touch their hair or head in general. Don't grab their elbow. Are you a blind turdy person? Do you need that person to guide you to a safe location? If not, then don't touch someone with your turdy hands. 

9) Don't just be randomly loud for no reason.

10) Don't constantly say things about not having a TV.

11) Don't talk about food allergies.

12) Don't call things "crazy" when they're not crazy. A tea flavor cannot be "crazy." A book cannot be "crazy." You don't know what "crazy" is. 

13) Don't act like it's cool to not know what things are. Ex: Waffle fries!?!?! Never heard of 'em.

14) Don't insist that you know things when you clearly do not know even one thing.

15) Don't do that thing where you stand really closely behind someone in line. Doing this will always make it seem like you're either trying to rub your gross wiener on someone, or that you don't realize that putting your crotch on something doesn't make time move faster. 

16) Don't exit an establishment without looking to make sure people aren't walking towards you on the sidewalk. Control your weird face and your weird turdy body. 

17) Don't walk down the middle of the sidewalk. 

18) When someone shares something on the internet don't reply to it by asking "who/what is that?" The internet will tell you who/what that is. That's what the internet does.

19) Don't be weirdly afraid to be the first person to answer a question. Who the hell cares? What's gonna happen to you? Nothing. 

20) Once you leave the privacy of your own home/restroom/public restroom you are no longer able to touch the lower part of your turdy body with your own hands.