By: Kelly McClure
Yesterday, while running errands to buy birthday candles and white vinegar (for the coffee pot, NOT my vagina, let's just get that right out on the table) I had the following exchange with a man on the sidewalk:
Man: HEY, BIG BUTT!
Me: *Look of Terror*
Man: I GOT A FAT DICK, WHAT'S UP?
Later on, about ten minutes later, another gentleman looked me in the eye and yelled "DAMN! YOU MUST BE HUMPIN!" I brushed that one off though because I was still hung up on the fact that I couldn't think of a better come back than "EWWWWWWW" to the first guy. I thought of plenty afterwards though, which is always the case, so I'm gonna share them here so we're all ready to go the next time someone wants to talk to us about their fat dick when all we're trying to do is buy household products and festive accessories.
Memorize and practice the following quick and easy responses to street mutant commentary. They can be applied to almost any scenario, no matter what the person is saying to you. In fact, just reply with one, or a mashup up, of any of these to anything anyone says to you, ever.
1) Do you kiss your Daddy's foreskin with that mouth?
2) No thanks! I already HAVE full blow AIDS.
3) I'm sorry, did you just fart out of your mouth?
4) My Mom just died.
5) I bet I fuck your sister better than you do.
6) Put your thumb up your butt. (RETRO!)
7) PROVE IT!
8) AND TO YOU, SIR!
9) So this ISN'T the way to the library?
10) Does your boyfriend know you talk like that?
11) Can I get a good number to reach you in case your words just made me pregnant?
12) AND SO CLOSE TO CHRISTMAS!
13) Does this mean we're dating?
14) Let me talk to your mother. Get her on the phone.
16) Did you read the one about the girl who fucked a retarded pig? She got locked up in the funny farm because only an insane person would fuck a retarded pig. hahaha. NO! I'm not talking about you. What?? hahaha. NO! Why would I say that?? Look over there!
17) Can you repeat that? The only word I caught was "warts?"
18) I am riddled with HPV.
19) I'm extremely fertile.
20) You first!
21) I was noticing YOUR butt too!!
22) My nickname in high school was "cootie pootie."