Monday, December 15, 2014

Must be the Season of the List

By: Kelly McClure


The end of things is emotional. You make yourself an amazing snack, look forward to eating that snack, and then you do ... and it's gone. You meet someone you really like, see what they look like drunk a few times, touch their pubic hair, something weird happens ... and they're gone.  You buy a kitten, give it a name, feed it food from the dollar store, clean its fecals ... and then it's gone. 

In most cases, dealing with something coming to an end is handled in a pretty standard way: self-harm. But there is one rare case in which the norm goes topsy turvy, and that's the year coming to an end. At the end of a year, instead of doing self-harm (however you choose to enjoy that) people end up wanting to, in mass quantities, list things. Come October, something in a person snaps (or at least writerly people, which in my world is the definition of "person") and they start reflecting on the past hundreds of days they have just lived and begin tallying things up. Itemizing trivial little things. And then sharing them in list form. For what purpose, we can't be sure. Self-harm?

There is certain therapeutic benefit in sifting through the scraps of your life and trying to make sense of them. Sure. But please do know that nary a person gives nary of a fuckle about the minutia of your leisure time apart from measuring it up to their own. (Self-harm.)

And with that said. Here are some lists I've prepared for you! 


TOP FIVE THINGS IN MY APARTMENT IN 2014:

1) Fireman lamp
2) Memory foam bed
3) Taxidermy weasel
4) This one cat
5) The other cat


TOP FIVE THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN LIFE SO FAR IN 2014:

1) Don't touch your face with your dirty hands
2) You really do need to wipe your butt like, pretty well
3) A good way to look casual in any setting or situation is to chew gum
4) Know that no matter what, regardless of what is happening or being said, YOU are right
5) If you have intimacies with your hind quarters in the air, your privates will make an unflattering noise. It may happen later than sooner, but it will happen. 


TOP FIVE THINGS I'VE WATCHED ON NETFLIX RECENTLY IN 2014:

1) Crimes of the Century: Season 1: "Waco"
2) Crimes of the Century: Season 1: "Amanda Knox"
3) Crimes of the Century: Season 1: "Oklahoma City Bombing"
4) Crimes of the Century: Season 1: "Reagan Assassination Attempt"
5) Crimes of the Century: Season 1: "John Lennon Assassination"



TOP FIVE THINGS IN MY MEDICINE CHEST RIGHT NOW IN 2014:

1) Dr. Hauschka Cleansing Cream
2) Dr. Hauschka Normalizing Day Oil
3) Orange comb I've had for 20 years for some reason
4) Demeter Dirt perfume
5) Soapwalla Deoderant Cream


TOP FIVE SONGS INEXPLICABLY STUCK IN MY IPOD'S "TOP 25 MOST PLAYED" LIST:

1) "Evening on the Ground" - Iron and Wine
2) "Plasticities" - Andrew Bird
3) "New Slang" - The Shins
4) "Caring is Creepy" - The Shins
5) "Babay" - The Blow


TOP FIVE MAGAZINES CURRENTLY IN MY BATHROOM IN 2014:

1) Bust Magazine
2) Dwell Magazine
3) Bust Magazine
4) Dwell Magazine
5) Ikea catalog


TOP FIVE THINGS CURRENTLY ON MY DESK IN 2014:

1) MacBook Air
2) Mini rubber hamburger
3) Graceland pocket knife
4) Morrissey bobble head
5) Moleskine planner


TOP FIVES THINGS I CAN LEARN ABOUT MYSELF BY LOOKING AT MY LEFT HAND IN 2014:

1) I have a weird hand
2) I think I have too much blood in my body
3) I am maybe having a stroke
4) I am married
5) I am addicted to lotion 



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