Wednesday, May 20, 2015

All The Jokes I Have About Being Single

By: Ben Johnson

"It's funny you should mention that, I'm a sociopath too!"

Here are some jokes about being single. 

I am single now, which is weird. I was not single for a long time, over seven years, and now I am single. I apologize if this is new information to you and you care and this is a strange way for you to hear about it, or if it is information you don’t care about. But it is the truth. I am a single man.

The last time I was single, I was 27 years old, not particularly employed, and my favorite hobby was drinking an abnormally large percentage of worldwide alcohol in order to not hate everything. This time I am 35 years old, employed, sober, and my favorite hobby is sitting down any place that doesn’t hurt my butt while something I don’t hate is happening. I am different and things are different.

Some things are the same. I have recently been on dates with women, and found that while you’re on a date with a woman, sometimes a thing is whether or not you’re going to kiss. Mouth on mouth kissing is still a thing. The world has not outgrown the idea of strangers touching mouths after going to a restaurant and eating a meal and talking about how many siblings everybody has.

The idea of kissing is that a person, who is just some person from the world in a shape you hopefully think is nice, will want you to kiss their mouth with your mouth, and you can do that. I get the sense you’re supposed to close your eyes and go “mmm” about it as if you’re expressing connoisseur-like approval of some fine simple pleasure that amounts to more than two weird stranger mouths touching. This fact is astonishing. I would feel more comfortable touching eyeballs. At least that way I’d know it’s equally weird for everybody.

Holding hands is also still a thing. People hold hands while walking down the street when they like each other, and sometimes if you’re walking down the street with a person, that person will like it if you hold their hand. I will not like it. I am 35 years old. I don’t need help walking down a street. I can walk down a street just fine, even if I’m completely unsupervised. I don’t like the idea of holding hands. The next time you see a couple holding hands and walking with their backs to you, imagine a movie voice over saying “…and that’s the last time I ever saw them before they were sawed in half in that speed boat accident.” It will not feel out of place.

These people have only two combined useful, available hands right now.

Another thing that happens when you're single is sometimes people you don’t know that well will agree to have sex with your penis.

Here are some penis jokes about being single:

I haven’t been single for over seven years. My penis is like Dick Van Winkle. My penis hopes America is ready for a black president. My penis is still looking for Season 2 Disc 3 of Scrubs because Netflix wants it back. My penis just now got a Blackberry because it was the free phone at U.S. Cellular. My penis is on the way to your house with directions it printed out from MapQuest. My penis needs you to come over and explain the difference between a PDF and a Word document.

There are phone apps for dating now, and they are sad. I’ve gone on Tinder. Tinder is like a giant sad zoo where every exhibit has a plaque with a picture of a pigeon that just says “BIRD” under it. “BIRD.” No, I don’t want to see that bird. “BIRD.” No. “BIRD.” No thanks. “BIRD.” No. “TERRIFYING MASTURBATING GORILLA.” NO! JESUS! “BIRD.” No. “BIRD.” No. “Nice looking bird with glasses” No. Wait, yes, shit. Shit, that bird is gone, I might have liked that bird. “BIRD.” No. “BIRD.” Yes. Wait. No. Whatever. “THE WORST BIRD” NO! “JUST A BIRD NO BIGGIE” Yes, fine. “New Message from BIRD1981: hi i am a bird.”

The entrance to this zoo is like "login via Facebook."

I’m not good at dating. I am emotionally volatile right now because of not knowing how to be single. I'm what you might call a real "nightmare boat." 

Sometimes I go on a date with a person and it’s just kind of not the best and I think “oh no, everything is bad, I’m going to ruin this person’s life forever.” Sometimes I go on one date and it’s just kind of fun and I think “yeah, but wait until later, this person probably can’t wait to ruin my life forever, I better be on the lookout.” I have a lot of thoughts that are about “me” and involve the word “forever.” These thoughts are dumb, and if I sometimes fail to avoid sharing them via words, I have discovered that I have the ability to sound like the absolute dumbest person on the planet.

Dating is weird. Nobody loves dating. Dating is just a weird thing that people do in order to no longer have to do it. Nobody’s in a healthy, fulfilling relationship that’s less enjoyable than talking to strangers about what TV shows they like. “Uh huh yeah I like Game of Thrones, but sometimes it’s rough, but I still watch it. This is the best conversation I have ever had. I am having the time of my life. I could die right now and be happy. Oh no, I stopped watching Mad Men. Now this is the worst conversation I've ever had.”

Anyway, those are some jokes I came up with about being single. I hope they don’t make anybody upset. They’re just jokes. Have a nice day. Thanks.