Wednesday, May 27, 2015

A Handy Guide To Turtle Doctor-Related Memorabilia

By: Ben Johnson

Look, can we just pretend this introduction is an interesting and acceptable way to say that somebody else told me about an internet thing that probably everybody else already knew about and now I’m acting like I’m an expert on it? I went to elementary school with Jes Skolnik, who is cool, and who knows people who are cool, but also knows me, and she put a link to the Supernova23a store on her Facebook and I saw it. Is what happened. Pretend that’s interesting.

Apparently Supernova23a is an internet merchant whose business strategy is to generate a catalog of over 2.7 million items for sale, which is the outcome of a few boilerplate customizable products multiplied by however many oddly specific, syntactically puzzling, and algorithmically-generated pithy sayings which the merchants have proposed can be printed on them. Once these products are cataloged, the next step is to just sit around and hope that some Google searcher may eventually want to self-identify as “I Am That Crazy Girl Who Loves Giraffes” enough to pay $26 to own a t-shirt which says that on it, which, okay, might not ever happen, but maintaining an online product card is low overhead, so why the fuck not try.

Let’s also skip the part of the intro where I talk about the cultural and economic and technological implications of this, with horseshit thinkpiecy phrases in it like “the internet has become itself.” Forget that. You can click on it yourself, and be utterly hypnotized by the sheer volume of complete nothing it represents. If you do so, I’d be happy to talk to you about it. I clicked on it and this is my new life now, so we would have that in common. I might, one day, eventually, become so obsessed with this as to actually look at all 2.7 million available products. But probably not. That’s probably not even possible.

So here’s what I’ll do for you. I’ll show you a select few of just the products they have available for and related to the profession of Turtle Doctor. You know, like a Doctor who is a Turtle Doctor? That complete thing, that is surely a thing, and not just two words rammed up against each other by a computer? That common, common, plausibly common profession? Turtle Doctor? Here are some products related to Turtle Doctoring:


This hat is a great way for significant others to show support for the special Turtle Doctor in their life while also shielding their faces and eyes from the sun’s harmful UV rays. Also, if it is raining, a baseball-style hat such as this will function as a sort of face-only umbrella. This is a viable product because of the high number of people who love hats and who are also currently in love with a Turtle Doctor, who one would presume are sensitive, giving, and extraordinarily patient lovers due to the fact that they are Turtle Doctors.


Nothing is so reassuring to a turtle as when their doctor wears a tie such as this one.


Try this situation on for size: you, a Turtle Doctor, are relaxing with friends in a congenial Bavarian festival environment, while unbeknownst to you a fellow reveler experiences a turtle emergency! Due to the loudness of the Oompah Band and other Bavarian-style distractions, you might not be able to spring to action in time to solve this particular turtle-based health crisis unless you are drinking beer out of a beer stein which correctly identifies you as the current Turtle Doctor. That would be a shame of proportions you are well aware of due to you are the Turtle Doctor. Other uses: if you are in a social group of multiple Turtle Doctors enjoying some well-deserved Turtle Doctor downtime, and would out of a sense of duty like to designate one among the peer group as the acting Turtle Doctor should need arise; if you are in a social group with a horse doctor and a tiger doctor or other such Non-Turtle Doctors when a turtle-only or turtle-specific medical scenario happens, and time is of the essence; or else perhaps you'd like to self-identify as a Turtle Doctor for clarity's sake in a Turtle Doctor dating scenario such as...


Two things that every modern woman needs: 1. STANDARDS, 2. warm legs.


The journey of life is not often a straight line, and few people know that more than Turtle Doctors. This item is a fantastic gift idea for the recent graduate of Turtle Medical School, who just spent many hard years and incurred a great deal of debt to learn the particulars of that noble profession, and who deserves to relax and reflect on a life well lived while listening to music. Becoming a Turtle Doctor is a major life event and achievement, and one that is always well worth enduring all the personal sacrifices which are invariably a requirement if one is to successfully navigate the brutally cutthroat Turtle Doctor certification process.


Recovery and treatment is a sensitive topic. We are certainly rooting for everybody who is facing such a struggle, and we are of course especially rooting for Turtle Doctors. We are not going to tell you how to feel or act like we know what is best for you. We offer you this mug for encouragement. It costs £22.95.