Tuesday, September 23, 2014

All the Thoughts I Had While Watching 'Beyonce and Jay Z On the Run'

By: Kelly McClure

I don't have cable, but I do have love and dedication ... for Beyonce. If Beyonce does a thing, whether I have much to say about it or not, I feel compelled to write about it. So here are all the thoughts I had, in order, while watching Beyonce and Jay Z on the Run, which aired on HBO but can otherwise be watched HERE. At least for the time being. 

- The anticipation of Beyonce coming out on any sort of stage type situation makes me feel like my breasts will just start shooting out foam.

- I could look at a picture of Beyonce while listening to Salt n Pepa's "Push it" and feel like I was having a heart attack. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle her doing any sort of butt shaking thing to this song. It's only 1:07 in and I already had to pause this because I don't know if I can physically handle it.

- I don't really care about Jay Z at all. They just came out together and I was surprised to see him like, "Oh yeah, he's in this too I guess."

- Beyonce just showed her butt for the first time. When other performers show their butts I feel like "How sad that we live in a society where you have to show your butt." But when Beyonce does it I'm like "Yes, please show your butt." Plus she does it in this supremely dignified way where she's giving our lives a vitamin by allowing us to see her butt a little bit.

- I just got goosebumps looking at Beyonce's butt. That means I got an actual physical response looking at the image of a stranger's butt on a laptop screen. I'm more or less a sex criminal.

- I can't stop making a painful face. I think I'd pay at least $1,000 to smell Beyonce's hair just once. Even if it wasn't attached to her head and was just loose in a paper bag I'd be like "Are you sure this is her hair? Okay, give it to me."

- Sometimes she goes to the front row and head bangs on people. This is one of my favorite parts. If she did that to me I can't predict how I'd react.

- The slow motion parts throughout this aren't needed. It disrupts the butt flow.

- I didn't have many thoughts for a little while and was just passively watching and eating my lunch, then Nicki Minaj came out during "Flawless" to do her remix parts and I got goosebumps again. You guys, her butt really is quite large.

- What if Jay Z performed with his wiener out?

- It's delicate work trying to screen cap butt pictures.

- I wonder if anyone has gotten arrested for masturbating at these shows.

- I always thought she said "My winter lungs" at some point during "Ghost/Haunted," but she says "My haunted lungs," which makes much more sense considering "Haunted" is part of the song's name. I'm glad I didn't get "My winter lungs" tattooed on my body like I've thought of doing, but actually, it would have ended up okay because that's a lyric in The Innocence Mission's "The Lakes of Canada," which Sufjan Stevens covered. I'm mixing up my feverish crushes.

- Does it mean I love Beyonce less if I kinda think this is so long?

- This has taken a great portion of my day. I might not be able to go to the gym now.

- Oh god. And I have to go to the store still too. I want to get sandwich stuff and pumpkin beer.

- I have to finish this. I can't have done all this for nothing.

- I didn't have as many thoughts as I thought I would other than "Butt."

- Maybe I started this too late in the day. I feel sleepy. I think I could have paid better attention if I had started this in the morning.

- Jay Z's lips look like something.

- Alright. I have to be done with this. It's 3PM and I haven't even showered yet.

- We should have gotten tickets for this.