Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The Housewife’s Guide To Voting

By Kathy Iandoli

For those who don’t know, I work at a gym. And by “work at a gym,” I mean I’m a writer who just goes to the gym all day because writers don’t really write.  So at my suburban New Jersey gym are a gaggle of Stepford Wives who hang out there just as much as I do and irk the shit out of me while they’re power walking on treadmills and talking really loudly to each other. Their favorite topics? Reality TV and politics. It’s like chewing on asbestos and chasing it with rubbing alcohol. 

They have no idea what they’re talking about in either arena, but politics mostly. So when the news arrived that Hillary Clinton was running for President, I sort of expected these women to remember they have vaginas and be down for the cause. Not so much. “We’re a Republican household,” was one comment overhead from the elliptical machines. “My husband doesn’t want her to win,” was another that echoed from the stair climbers. 

After spending six days a week in 65-minute intervals with these women, you begin to realize that many (not all) housewives do not adopt their own political views. They have no wants or needs of their own, so they just hold down the fucking house and get swallowed by the hive mind. And since it would be unfair of me to say that every woman should help place a fellow woman in the White House, I would just like to remind you of a few things when determining who to vote for outside of “whoever my husband votes for.” So listen up housewives. Here are five things you need to think about. #DeepThots

Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice
Please stop pretending you weren’t a whore in high school who used abortions as birth control. Your five children now are not your salvation, and it gives you no right to decide what another woman chooses to do with her body now that you’ve resolved that you’re a baby-making machine. And even worse, “My husband is so against abortion.” Okay, who the fuck is HE?

If you don’t have a job, then you are not a part of the “we” when it comes to income. Go set up a fucking lemonade stand and claim your 30 cents a year, but please don’t act like your husband’s income is your own. What he pays in taxes is only a direct threat to your weekly allowance, and if he leaves you then you will be a part of the lower class so stop shitting on them. 

Health Care Reform
Chances are, if you can afford to sit at the gym all day, your husband is either an oil tycoon or a doctor. The fact that health care reform “really affected him” only really affected his ability to charge $87,000 for a mole removal. You’re winning here. You can finally get that chlamydia that you’ve been hiding from him treated free of charge now, so look into that.

The Military
I have heard housewives use the term “our boys” to describe the armed forces more times than I care to say. Your toddlers of today can be drafted tomorrow. You never know. So while you’re tying yellow ribbons around oak trees, just remember you might be voting in someone who wants to send your kid to Afghanistan.

I don’t really care that you can afford to pay all four years of your child’s tuition and look at kids with financial aid in disgust. Do you know what four years of fully funded privilege gets you? A frat brother who uses your weekly checks to buy date rape drugs because he’s never had to work for anything in his life or a daughter who pops Plan B — you know, that oral abortion that you’re so vehemently against.