By: Ben Seeder
July 27th 2015
Tonight Bae insisted we go see “Minions”, and it turns out that movie's for kids. It’s not about construction workers at all! Smdh.
Later that night I check Instagram and see that she’s posted pictures of her hanging out backstage with Blue Man Group. Is there any way out of this nightmare? Smdh.
August 13th, 2015
At work, I’m so absorbed with Bae’s behavior that I space out and completely mess up. The foreman says to me: “Hey Marcetti, who taught you to drive crane, Bozo the Clown?” Everyone laughed like bastards. I want so badly to say, “Oh yeah Ron? If I want advice from you, it would be on how to have carpal tunnel gloves and a bad attitude!” But I don’t. I never say anything. I operate my crane. How can I be expected to concentrate when there is so much going wrong with Bae?
It kills me to admit, but Bae has been spending a lot of time at The Olive Garden. My whole thing is this: For the price of Olive Garden, why don’t we just go legit Italian? I keep telling this to Bae, and she just looks at me like I’m some kind of world class dorkus malorkus. “What do you want from me, Trey? They double the spice,” responds Bae. I didn’t think that was any kind of answer that I’d ever heard of, but things were still so sensitive after Minions I decided to just put a sock in it and back off.
Later, Bae’s stepmom came over with her son Glen Chambers.
August 22, 2015
Bae purchased a parrot at Garden Market today.
It would have been nice to have been consulted about this decision, but Bae already checks me so hard for being negative. The bird is aggressive, no question, and the only thing he’s been trained to say is “Buenos Noches, penis breath,” like it’s sending me straight to Hell. This, as you can imagine, is particularly pleasing to Bae. “He’s so cool,” Bae says. I can’t say I’m crazy about being called penis breath in my own home, but Bae is so extreme, so temperamental.
On Instagram tonight I found a picture of Bae having breadsticks and wine with what looks like one of the dudes from Blue Man Group, but can’t honestly tell because now he’s in khakis.
Considering learning the drums.
September 1st, 2105
Bae Snap Chatted a picture to me this morning of Phil (our parrot) eating my birth certificate, with the words “He gives ZERO fucks!” I begin thinking of where to get another copy. The hospital? FML to the highest degree.
Luckily I have a good distraction from this madness as today we started a new job. Ron, our foreman, said that if any of us are scared of these things called asbestos, we should all “run home to mommy right now.” I looked it up, and it turns out it’s just dust. Kind of concerned though, as some of the guys told me that this is where they burn a lot of the world’s computer parts and people who live around here have been born with complications. Deformities. Whatever though, triple OT on weekends.
The good news is that Bae has officially listed us as In A Relationship on Fbook! I won’t lie to you, I’ve been wanting this forever, and I’ve been wanting to make it public forever, but anytime I said anything about it Bae would just get real quiet and not talk for like ten minutes. I honestly think I’m in love.
September 14, 2015
Was getting ready for a long day of crane this morning and Phil the bird told me “Y’all gonna learn.” This marks two things it now knows how to say, and at this point I’m almost wishing he’d call me penis breath again. “Y’all gonna learn” conjures every wrong decision I’ve ever made. Sometimes it feels like my brain is a prison! Smdh.
I’ve been getting really dizzy out of nowhere lately. It honestly sucks. I can’t remember when it started but it feels like around the beginning of the month. I guess I’m just lucky that I’ve got a job to go to at all. I can’t mess this up (#important).
Also, can’t help but notice that Bae went from spending multiple nights a week at The Olive Garden to now not mentioning The Olive Garden ever. I asked her why last night and she shot me another one of those looks like I’m a certified malorkus.
I’m thinking of making her my wife.
September 27th, 2015
Looked at my credit card statement today and was surprised to find a mystery charge for $337 from a place called “SwampBoyz.com,” I confronted Bae, and it turns out she ordered a four foot long aluminum pole to help her take pictures of herself with her phone. I asked what gives, and Bae just said “Don’t hate on my stick.”
I would be mad if I wasn’t so exhausted from these headaches. The dizziness now comes with headaches, which is def not good news, but if I want to give Bae the wedding of her dreams, I need to finish a couple more jobs.
The other day I was looking at the bird and could swear to God it had the face of Glen Chambers on its parrot torso. Is “torso” a word that even applies to parrots? I know it’s crazy and that something like this could never happen. I know this. But I saw it. I know I can’t tell anyone about it, especially Bae. She would be back at Olive Garden before I could say Jack Robinson.
I plan on knocking out some overtime this weekend to help pay for the stick.
October 2nd, 2015
Last night was honestly the most insane love making session of my entire life. I’ve got to marry this girl, no question. We just really went for it, you know? I mean, this girl took me to Mars. I would 100% be on Cloud 9 if it weren’t for this headache, so let’s just say I’m 85% on Cloud 9.
The only thing that was kind of weird was that Bae filmed us from her new phone pole propped directly above our bed. I asked if this was necessary, like, why couldn’t it just be enough that we were together, you know? But Bae told me “Why do you think I bought this thing?” and in my head thought “You mean I bought this thing” but decided to just not say anything because it was v. tender.
Can’t seem to get one Bae’s comments out of my mind though, which was: “I don’t even really feel like myself unless I’m in front of this thing” re: her phone.
Phil watched the whole thing from the corner of our room. He was dead silent, but I know he saw everything. As we were falling asleep, he wished me good night, but didn’t call me by my real name. The next day, Bae tweeted about everything we did. It 10% felt like an invasion of privacy, but secretly made me feel like kind of a pimp.
Now to shake these headaches once and for all.
October 15th, 2015
Bae has been at Olive Garden every night this week. I know I shouldn’t be negative, but I’m seriously so pissed. No one loves Italian food that much, not even Emeril! I watch it all unfold in real time on Instagram.
She returns my texts the day after I send them, if at all. She claims that one of her girlfriends who I’ve never met is going through a crisis. I try and call her out on this behavior, but she just texts back stuff like “You know you’re the #1 crane pimp in all of Cicero” which is nice (and maybe true), but I’m also the one paying off this three foot aluminum pole.
As if all this weren’t enough, something horrible happened at work yesterday. We were at lunch, and Lonnie, who’s pretty much my best friend on the job (and also himself a hall of fame pimp) started throwing up blood everywhere. I was sitting right next to him, and the look on his face while it was happening was one of utter disbelief and astonishment. He seemed as surprised as any of us. I couldn’t get it out of my head even as I fed Phil tonight. We all asked him if maybe it was something he had for breakfast and he said he only had oatmeal and a banana. He didn’t show up for work today.
The headaches have been getting worse, but what do you expect from all of this drama? I totes mcgotes would give anything for a break, or an island vacation with Bae.
October 27th, 2015
Strange development around the house. Bae claims she has become “Instagram famous” for some picture she apparently posted featuring not one, but all three members of the Blue Man Group, plus Phil. She has also made her account private from certain followers, myself being one of them. Bae assures me this is for the best, as she must devote the majority of her day to “interacting with fans”. She seems happier than she’s been in months, which makes me happy. Plus, the other day I saw her tweeting at Ian Ziering! So it must be paying off. Would give anything to look like him. Would give anything for these headaches to go away. Work has been exhausting.
October 31st, 2015
Bae stole my vape! Smdh.
Disturbing incident at work today. Woke up on the ground, flat on my back with all co-workers standing around looking down at me. “Jesus Christ, Trey!” Ron exclaimed, “You’re lucky to be alive!” I guess I was standing on the steps of my crane and just straight up passed out. I remember none of this but the headaches seem worse than ever. Everyone kept insisting I go to the hospital but no way because tonight’s the big Halloween party at Buffalo Wild Wings! Or so I thought.
I came home and Bae was dressed like Colonel Sanders with Phil dressed like Deion Sanders, in a tiny football jersey and everything, which I guess is funny? I told Bae to hold on and give me a minute so I could change into my Minion costume, and she acted all surprised and said “Oh, you want to come to the party too?” like it was the worst, most surprising idea she had ever heard. I told her, “What do you mean? I’ve been looking forward to this all day” and told her what happened on the job this morning. She let me come with, even though it seemed to be some kind of gigantic decision.
So we’re at Buffalo Wild Wing’s and they’re playing Monster Mash and there’s this guy I recognized from the Instagram pictures but now he’s dressed as Gosling from “Drive” and just KILLING it on drums. Bae was mesmerized, I could tell. I mean, I’m pretty sure everyone could tell.
The headaches became unbearable so I Ubered home by myself. Bae didn’t come home last night and claimed Glen Chambers was having a crisis.
I woke up to a familiar voice outside of my front door. It was Phil. I guess she had dropped him off. Someone had stolen his jersey.
November 3rd, 2015
Horrible news. Writing this from the hospital. Passed out at work again today. “Enough is enough,” claimed Ron. In my room right now awaiting MRI results. Would be lying if I said the headaches and dizziness didn’t include more hallucinations. Like one the other day of Phil nailing Glen Chambers to a cross made of selfie sticks.
No chance a parrot’s beak can handle a hammer and nails, I know that. No chance. They don’t even have hands! It just sucks that it seemed so real.
Bae “liked” Chex Mix on Facebook today.
November 5th, 2015
So they’re flying in some specialist from Dallas to look at my test results. Every time one of the doctors on staff here looks at my charts, they seem all confused, like they’re looking at some kind of strange animal from the bottom of the ocean.
Wish my head didn’t hurt so bad.
This is going to be expensive, no question. Worried why I’m still so dizzy laying down.
I know I’m seeing a bunch of stuff that’s not real. I understand. And hoping that includes a picture Bae tweeted of her and the Blue Man Group and Phil dressed like N.W.A. Halloween was a week ago, get with the program.
They seem to have me sequestered in my own wing. Not a lot of people are talking to me. Free Gatorade though.
November 10th, 2015
They’ve airlifted me to Phoenix. Sent photos to Bae.
Novembr 38th, 201=4e23
You can’t call travelling every time. Not in the playoffs. Why does it always have to be GLOVES first THEN shoes? Wish I could be thirsty. No reason for all the shouting. Spring Summer Fall Summer Spring. Everytime. Could be good for acquiring new followers. Verified. Verified next year year after last. Something about chemicals. If it’s cider, then just call it that! Who’s next? Wish there wasn’t all the shouting. Classic fucking Phil. Never even heard of ODB. Gloves then Shoes. Have to tell Bae, but wait for the playoffs. Greatest crane operator of all time. Smdh.