Thursday, July 31, 2014

Blast My Nethers, But Don't Mess Up My Bangs While I'm Not Looking at You

By: Kelly McClure

Recently Cosmopolitan Magazine, the go-to source for realistic life info for young mothers and soon to be ex-wives, published a thing on their homepage called "28 Lesbian Sex Positions to Blow Your Mind." After seeing this title come up in my Twitter feed the first thing I thought was "count down to something about scissoring," and then my brain became flooded with curiosity over just what sort of sex Cosmo thinks lesbos would have, and further ... what kind of lesbo sex they would find to be MIND BLOWING. 

As a full-time "one of those" myself, I've had all manner of lesbo sex ranging from "I'm not sure you've been here before, can I help?" to "Here's a kit of dental tools that I bought at a dollar store off the highway, do something with them." So I felt super prepared to read their list and make at least ten minutes of fun of it. I was almost disappointed to find that the MIND BLOWING sex positions they offered up weren't too bad. Vanilla, level one, or not really a thing, sure. But they didn't say anything about sensually braiding hair, which somehow I thought was for sure going to be in there, along with erotically talking about horses.  The illustrations  for each position though ... we need to talk about. 

I see you, Cosmo trying to work out some hot pink version of a femme/soft-butch dynamic. I can almost taste your "That girl's hair is so short though ... should we add some bangle bracelets?" afterthought. 

This to me looks like two ladies who had one too many $3 beers at happy hour, but then I'm like "What is she licking?" 

They switched to blue in their color scheme here because blue is the color of business. I don't know what kind of business is happening in this picture. This kind of looks like a naked blonde lady helping a drowning victim.

Back to pink again because oral is just so LOL silly. Look at everyone's hair. Notice how their eyes are drawn so tightly shut that they practically look like those X's used in comics to tell us that a person is dead? They're like "I'm never opening my eyes about this. This is so mind-blowing that I'm a lesbian now."

Creeping up on a naked girl and shouting "HOOTY HOO!!!!" Into her butt cheeks is for sure funny, but it's probably gonna result in that thing where the girl playfully slaps you in the head and calls you a goof while giving you side eye and having an inner monologue about how she's gonna stop answering your texts.

Not sure what they're doing here, unless the blonde girl is wearing a ... no ... Cosmo isn't ready for those. This is about horses isn't it? Pro tip: I could think of something way better she could be doing with those heels. 

This just looks lazy to me, like "Get off that chair and eat this. I know you worked eight hours today, but my arms are tired." Also ... look at her bangs. She's like "Oh God, I don't want to have to wash my hair again tonight. I'm annoyed?" 

Are we in a fight?

I'm noticing a pattern here. Most things that have something to do with a butthole have a blue background. Blue is for butthole. This particular position is new as it has never personally occurred to me to rub my butthole on someone's ribcage intentionally. I'm sure it's happening accidentally, but not as a sex act. More like "Oh, sorry, I just rubbed my butthole on you while I was reaching for this thing." 

This is just a wasted opportunity. Also I think her heel is lodged in the other girl's shin. 

Okay, so Cosmo IS ready for strap-ons. They also, apparently, have a fantasy about using one on Ronnie Spector? 

This one is called "My boobs hurt because my period is coming. Let's watch Gossip Girl on the couch. Can I lay on you?" 

Lesbos just really are constantly scissoring in sports bras. (Scissoring isn't a thing. Scissoring is basically like humping a stuffed animal, but on top of a person who you could actually be humping.)

When I really love someone I put where my pubes would normally be right on them and then make them stare at me. 

I'd be mildly irritated if someone flopped their hairdo onto my head while we were doing "The Sexy Spider." I'd be like "Do you need a hair tie?"

Are you okay though?

"I used a new soap this morning and I think it fucked me up. Does this smell weird to you? Ow, my boob hurts."

Everyone always starts busting out this move after watching that episode of 90210 where Brenda finds a lump

She's got all these ties but only that one pair of heels. That's not real. Also, the blonde keeps re-applying her lipstick and the brunette whose pompadour got knocked down is like, "I don't care." 

"I bought some new heels!! They're black. Can you see them? OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!"


No hair ties to be found so they can get their hair out of the way and get shit done right, but let's for sure put on some cat ears. 

"I love our femme/soft-butch relationship so much. New shoes?"

I'd like to imagine that she's whispering "Bitch, where are your pubes?" into her ear.

There have been so many not very different versions of this happening so far, and also, what kind of open relationship ass shit is going on here?

Cosmo gave this one a difficulty rating of three because not everyone owns a fringe vest, and they're kind of hard to find.

I would seriously just go home. 


"Better put my cropped sports ringer on."

Mind = Blown.

(Illustrations by Jenny Yuen were used hoping she'll never find this)