Friday, August 1, 2014

Dear God, These Celebrities Have Feet

By: Ben Johnson

Look, I don’t have a foot thing. I don’t. Feet are normal. Feet are a regular human part of the human body. I’m not super into them, like foot fetishist into them, and I don’t recoil in horror at the mere mention of them the way some people do. They’re feet. They’re just feet. Nothing unusual about them. Some feet are grosser than normal, some feet are cuter than normal, and most feet are just regular normal feet.

You know who has feet? Celebrities. They have feet. Two of them. One on the left and one on the right. Just like most of the rest of us. We’re used to seeing celebrity faces. Sometimes we see celebrity boobs and butts and pecs and abs. Sometimes we see celebrity genitals, and we go “wow man, look at that.” Sometimes we see celebrity feet, but we’re usually too busy thinking or even just not thinking at all about the whole rest of the celebrity. We don’t often think about celebrity feet.

But what if we did think about celebrity feet? What Pandora’s Box would that open? I bet Rosie Perez has cute regular not a big deal feet. I bet Anderson Cooper’s feet are sturdy and masculine and feetlike in the regular American foot-having way. I bet… oh Dear Holy Christ, Donald Rumsfeld has feet. Oh my God I am going to puke. Just regular Donald Rumsfeld’s face sticking out of a conservative suit makes me want to puke, but imagining Donald Rumsfeld’s feet? No way, guys. Nuh uh. I’m sweating and my teeth hurt. This is horrible.

And fascinating.

There is such a thing as Googling “worst celebrity feet” and having answers and visual confirmations pop up on your computer in front of your very own eyeballs. I did it. I do not recommend it. I typed that phrase in and then I saw a picture of the malformed bone bags Angelina Jolie refers to as “my feet,” and I thought “well, this is no fun for anybody.” I don’t actually want to know what real life celebrity feet really look like in real life. I want to use my imagination. I want to think of celebrities on my own and then insert the thought “has feet” at the end, and see which imagined celebrity feet make me cringe the most.

Why? You tell me, you’re here too. You need a why at this point? Because it’s crazy and weird and great, that’s why.

I submit the following celebrity feet as the worst possible feet to imagine:

Steven Tyler

Tyler is the reason this whole celebrity feet thing has been happening to me. I typed his name into Google to check the “Steven” or “Stephen” spelling, and autofill suggested I might want to Google “Steven Tyler feet.” I DO NOT WANT TO GOOGLE “STEVEN TYLER FEET.” EVER.

Even thinking about Steven Tyler feet is a bad move. Why is that a Google autofill? I do not want to know. I feel like there’s a rumor or even an actual fact going around that Steven Tyler has webbed toes, which is just no, fuck that, I can’t and I won’t. I will stop living. I will die and become a ghost.

Look at Steven Tyler’s face. You’re telling me this guy, with this face, also has feet? Feet that are Google autofill-worthy, no less? That is horrible. That is horrible, horrible information.

Michele Bachmann

Politics aside, Michele Bachmann is a plastic-faced witchmonster with dead shark eyes. I mean, you can’t really put politics aside, because she also very much runs on the deadeyed witchmonster policy platform. You know, the one where you don’t get to abort or even morning after pill your unwanted rape baby. I just took a quick detour into Michele Bachmann policy stance land, and that’s just exactly what she wants me to do. It’s a classic “be terrified by the actual things that an elected leader of other humans can profess to believe in order to not think about the real issue” tactic. The real issue is that Michele Bachmann has two whole fucking feet at the ends of her legs, and they’re out there in the world being feet.

What does Michele Bachmann even do with those two pure evil feet of hers? I imagine she likes to paint her toenails at night, squinting in approval, saying “pretty pretty pretty” over and over like that spooky woman from Barbarella. FYI her favorite toenail polish is the blood of other women.

Kenny G

It’s not so much that Kenny G’s feet are probably gross, it’s how much he’s Kenny G in them. Like his favorite foot-based activity is probably to stroll up and down the Malibu coast in an expensive linen tunic and weather beaten khakis rolled up to the knee, overtly enjoying the full lush sensory bareness of his two fucking total Kennny G feet, bleating out smooth jazz from the soprano sax he’s brought with him. When you look at Kennny G in such a state, he is in soft focus. It doesn’t matter how much you rub your eyes, he will still be in soft focus, playing that damn saxophone, walking towards you. At first you’ll think “I’m having a small stroke, this can’t be right,” but then you look in any other non-Kenny G direction and everything is normal. Later you will assume this memory must have been an unusually vivid dream. But Kenny G’s feet are real, and this is how they really are.

Keith Morrison of Dateline NBC

I imagine he looks at his feet incredulously, like “you can’t really be my feet, though, can you?” And they’re like “we’re really your feet, in real life.” Cut to slow zoom on a family photograph. “The initial investigation determined that my feet are real feet on a real person. But then the feet police uncovered a hidden clue which revealed a shocking secret…”

Paula Deen

Paula Deen probably just has regular sunken arch sad old mom feet with swollen ankles. But she’s Paula Deen, so she probably puts them anywhere she wants with complete entitlement and impunity. I imagine she likes it when her feet are being licked by a small dog.

Papa John

Oh dude, come on, my imagination. I’m trying to live a life here. He’s probably… no. I… no.

Adam Carolla