Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Jury Duty is Just Another Dumb Thing That Happens Sometimes

By: Kelly McClure

I have never had to go to jury duty before. In October I got a slip in the mail that was like "Hey, you need to go to jury duty," and I was like "I do not" and filled out a thing to postpone it. I guess I postponed it till now because I'm typing this from a court room. I almost didn't write this at all because my stomach hurts from sitting in one spot and being mad since 8AM this morning, but I've got time to kill, so here we go.

Here's the timeline of me doing the jury duty that I'm still currently doing:

1) Got new slip in the mail saying I have to go to jury duty. Put slip on my desk for a week while considering just throwing it in the garbage.

2) Googled "will you go to jail if you blow off jury duty?" Find that the answer is "yes."

3) Wake up very early in the morning, have a stressful coffee, stressful cereal, stressful shower, and then stressful train ride to this court house that I'm sitting in now.

4) Go through security of court house and then try to go to the bathroom only to be told "Ma'am, these bathrooms are closed." To which I respond with: "Well I better stop peeing then." Go into another bathroom because I felt rushed in my previous bathroom experience and am told that that one is closed too. I say: "You know that other bathroom is closed too, right?" And the janitor says: "Yes, I know that." And then I say: "GOOD." 

5) Sit in a seat that I suspect 100% has bed bugs and eat some apple flavored jelly beans leftover from  Easter.

6) Watch a lady take a selfie of herself sitting in jury duty, and then about 50 more. At one point I look over and her fat face is filling up the phone screen she's holding in front of her and I shudder.

7) Sit and watch the king of the court, or the court master, whatever his title is, go through a 45 minute comedy routine where he basically just treats everyone like a retard. 

8) Sit and listen to another 45 minutes of questions from people who are the stupidest people in this particular room, if not the world.

9) Break for lunch where I go across the street and purchase a pack of cigarettes from Duane Reade, an iced coffee, a weird sandwich, and a pack of orange flavored gum.

10) On way back into court, I accidentally rush the security gate without thinking because I wasn't thinking and the security king juts out his arm and goes "WHOA WHOA! It's not a race!!" And then keeps his arm out like that for a good 30 seconds while blinking at me with his sweaty moon face eyes. I respond with "Well, there's your excitement for the day." To which he says, "Oh no, you wouldn't believe the nuts that we get through here." And then I say: "IT GETS WORSE????" He was unaware of the fact that I was making fun of him because he is a stupid man.

11) I'm still sitting here. I will always be sitting here. 

12) I imagine someone will call my name at some point to ask me a question, and I plan to tell them that I can't possibly serve on a jury because I don't care what happens no matter what. 

CONCLUSION: I'm writing this part from home, and not from the court house where I lived for a full day to tell you that at 4:45 a lady who looks like Margaret Thatcher and has the last name of SUNSHINE came out and dismissed everyone who hadn't been called yet. So I sat in a room all day for nothing. Nothing but my civil duty that is!