By: Ben Johnson
If we can learn one thing from the internet,
it’s that people out there want your eyeballs and they will stop at nothing to
get them. They will type up any ding dang combination of words and clicky type
things they can think of to get you to click on a thing. They, “these people,”
which I think might just be the entire country of Russia, plus the editors at
Buzzfeed, do not care if the thing they’re saying is a completely made up lie.
If you click on it and if getting people to click on a thing can benefit them,
they are gonna do it, and they don’t care if you have to squint at the fine
print under your idiot cousin’s Facebook post about how Nancy Pelosi is a practicing
Satanist and say “wait, a minute, I don’t think secretgovernmentsecrets.org is
a reputable source of information.”
We here at Total Bozo Magazine aren’t like
that. We believe in the truth. Namely, that of course Nancy Pelosi is a practicing
Satanist. She’s a congressperson. They’re all practicing Satanists. Maybe they
don’t go to like Black
Mass or anything, but they do take phone calls from Monsanto
lobbyists, so, I mean, come on, who are we kidding. Hail Satan.
Earlier today our own Kelly McClure was taken
in by a virus-y clickbait thing that said Lou Ferrigno died in a car crash. It
was like a fake USA Today thing, and she was like “my girlfriend loves Lou
Ferrigno and will be upset by this news,” and then proceeded as if it was an
actual thing. This is excusable. Truth is, for most of us, life is unfolding
almost exactly as if Lou Ferrigno had gotten killed in a car wreck in 2007.
That might be a little sad to admit, but it’s true. R.I.P. Lou Ferrigno. Then,
now, and always. Also: L.I.P. Lou Ferrigno. Then, now, and always. May your
gentle demeanor and gigantic muscles power you forever heavenward, amen.
If you’re a Russian guy or an internet
computer virus person from Buzzfeed and you’re looking to do an internet
eyeballs thing that swindles Kelly McClure or somebody else like her out of the
remaining $6.12 in her checking account, I suggest the following
truthful-sounding clickbait headlines:
Beyoncé
Is A Proud, Beautiful, And Sometimes Naked Woman
134
Signs You Are Slowly Becoming Autistic
Music
Publicist Snaps, Tells It Like It Actually Is, Ruins Career, Sleeps Well
David
Lynch’s Grocery Cart Is Everything You’d Dare To Expect
New
York City Tips For Never Touching A Person
Scientists
Prove Peanut Butter Farts Are The Best Kind Of Fart
Some
Kind Of A Lesbian-Related Thing With The Woman From Portlandia That You Will
Enjoy
Photos
Of Cats Dressed As World Leaders
Morrissey
Physically Can’t Listen To Music Anymore
Paula
Deen Hand Caught In Shuttle Bus Door Yells "Shoot! Dang!"
You’re
Not Crazy, It Is That Bad
Clothing
Made Of Pizza, Pizza Clothes, Pizza Pants And Shirt
I can think of more if you need them, but
that should give you an idea of what you’re looking for here. She’s an easy
target. She has to be on a computer all day long. Please Paypal 10% of your
swindlings to me at ben at totalbozomagazine dot computer (I lengthened the
spelling of this so you won’t spam me with believable emails about Cocoon alien
enthusiast conventions that need my credit card info).
Good luck, happy hunting, and 4IGNO 4EVA!
