Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Michelle Obama Banjo Solo And Other Personalized Virus Clickbait

By: Ben Johnson

If we can learn one thing from the internet, it’s that people out there want your eyeballs and they will stop at nothing to get them. They will type up any ding dang combination of words and clicky type things they can think of to get you to click on a thing. They, “these people,” which I think might just be the entire country of Russia, plus the editors at Buzzfeed, do not care if the thing they’re saying is a completely made up lie. If you click on it and if getting people to click on a thing can benefit them, they are gonna do it, and they don’t care if you have to squint at the fine print under your idiot cousin’s Facebook post about how Nancy Pelosi is a practicing Satanist and say “wait, a minute, I don’t think is a reputable source of information.”

We here at Total Bozo Magazine aren’t like that. We believe in the truth. Namely, that of course Nancy Pelosi is a practicing Satanist. She’s a congressperson. They’re all practicing Satanists. Maybe they don’t go to like Black Mass or anything, but they do take phone calls from Monsanto lobbyists, so, I mean, come on, who are we kidding. Hail Satan.

Earlier today our own Kelly McClure was taken in by a virus-y clickbait thing that said Lou Ferrigno died in a car crash. It was like a fake USA Today thing, and she was like “my girlfriend loves Lou Ferrigno and will be upset by this news,” and then proceeded as if it was an actual thing. This is excusable. Truth is, for most of us, life is unfolding almost exactly as if Lou Ferrigno had gotten killed in a car wreck in 2007. That might be a little sad to admit, but it’s true. R.I.P. Lou Ferrigno. Then, now, and always. Also: L.I.P. Lou Ferrigno. Then, now, and always. May your gentle demeanor and gigantic muscles power you forever heavenward, amen.

If you’re a Russian guy or an internet computer virus person from Buzzfeed and you’re looking to do an internet eyeballs thing that swindles Kelly McClure or somebody else like her out of the remaining $6.12 in her checking account, I suggest the following truthful-sounding clickbait headlines:

Beyoncé Is A Proud, Beautiful, And Sometimes Naked Woman

134 Signs You Are Slowly Becoming Autistic

Music Publicist Snaps, Tells It Like It Actually Is, Ruins Career, Sleeps Well

David Lynch’s Grocery Cart Is Everything You’d Dare To Expect

New York City Tips For Never Touching A Person

Scientists Prove Peanut Butter Farts Are The Best Kind Of Fart

Some Kind Of A Lesbian-Related Thing With The Woman From Portlandia That You Will Enjoy

Photos Of Cats Dressed As World Leaders

Morrissey Physically Can’t Listen To Music Anymore

Paula Deen Hand Caught In Shuttle Bus Door Yells "Shoot! Dang!"

You’re Not Crazy, It Is That Bad

Clothing Made Of Pizza, Pizza Clothes, Pizza Pants And Shirt

I can think of more if you need them, but that should give you an idea of what you’re looking for here. She’s an easy target. She has to be on a computer all day long. Please Paypal 10% of your swindlings to me at ben at totalbozomagazine dot computer (I lengthened the spelling of this so you won’t spam me with believable emails about Cocoon alien enthusiast conventions that need my credit card info).

Good luck, happy hunting, and 4IGNO 4EVA!