Thursday, January 29, 2015

The ONLY Ghostbusters 3 Thinkpiece You’ll NEVER NOT Read

By: Ben Johnson

busting this makes me feel good

Fuck. It’s this now?

[long sigh]

Okay, so they’re filming a third Ghostbusters movie with an all female cast and they just sent out a press release about who is in the all female cast, and people are going apeshit about it.

The important thing to keep in mind about this is…

Goddammit. I mean…

I guess I could throw together something about Ghostbusters 3. I kind of don't want to touch it with a ten foot pole, because "movies are just things, people, why do we have to act like babies about them" and "it's probably a good thing that the culture nerds whose babylike whims have decided that the rest of us are going to be stuck watching Thor 2 for the rest of eternity are now being confronted with their own misogyny this directly" are difficult things to articulate at the same time. 

But also...

Can this please just be it? Like can this please be the last thing we ever talk about?

No? Why? Because J.J. Abrams Star Wars, and there’s a Marvel Comics 75 Year Plan to Destroy America which they are referring to, extremely ominously, as “Phase 3,” and more importantly because I, a “creative class urban white male” who tries his best to honestly, completely not give a shit about any of these things, nonetheless knows about these things, and understands that these things are implicitly for me, and therefore feels entitled to an opinion about all of these things?

Well fuck. That is… that is awful. What a predicament. What a goddamn conundrum we’re in right now, us poor poor fucking totally fine white guys. All OF CULTURE is TROLLING us right now. We’re being whipped up into a frenzy, and feeling pressured into defending our positions, which we never even had to think about as being positions before, and that was easier because that way we didn’t realize how indefensible our positions were, and also what the fuck, these are just movies we’re talking about, how come everything is crazy like this every single time anything happens, boo hoo hoo :(

You can’t even turn on your phone without being bombarded by cool shit that might be cool but might also not be cool, but might actually be less cool than the previous cool shit, and might instead be the “I don’t know, I still kind of liked it, it’s still pretty cool” shit instead of the actual cool shit, and might also be, oh my god worst case scenario, not cool shit at all, just regular uncool shit. It’s like, what’s a guy to do? You can’t just ignore it. SOME OF THE SHIT IS COOL. Like with cool robots and things blowing up in space and, like, wisecracking alien babes. Sometimes they even say the “S” word.

Remember when you were twelve years old? Just kidding. Of course you do. You are still twelve years old. You are reading something about Ghostbusters 3 right now. You might as well be sleeping on a twin bed with Power Rangers sheets. You fucking idiot.

I call you a “fucking idiot” with the utmost sympathy, by the way. Because I’m a fucking idiot too. I’m here just like you are. I, like, “thought” about this stuff.

I’m glad they cast four women in Ghostbusters 3. The women they cast are funny as hell. Kate McKinnon might secretly be the world’s current funniest human. Here’s my impression of Kate McKinnon on SNL right now: “oh, cool premise, you guys, really good job crafting a funny ‘what if’ type scenario for people to chuckle at for six minutes, really, great, thanks for letting me participate, now if you don’t mind I’m going to go ahead and BURN THIS FUCKER DOWN (huge wall of flame).” Ghostbusters 3 should be a pretty funny movie. Kate McKinnon will be in it. And Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy and Leslie Jones too. And they’re going to, like, bust ghosts and make wisecracks. They’re going to be wisecracking ghostbuster women, which is like ideal for me because I like all of those things a lot because inside of my grown man exterior I am actually a baby inside, and you know what babies do: they cry until they get what they want.

I liked the Ghostbusters movie a lot, and then I also liked Ghostbusters 2 movie a fair amount, and I’m sure I’ll also like this one. Good. I like liking movies. Me liking movies is not important. At all. But: I think I’ll probably like this one more than I don’t. For what it’s worth. Hint: it’s worth nothing. But: to the people with the money who decide what entertainments exist for the rest of us, it’s worth everything. So we’re stuck, culturally, with indulging actual twelve year olds and inner twelve year old babies inside of the grown up humans that those twelve year olds become. For the forseeable future.

Which makes a ton of financial sense, because if you’ve ever seen an actual businessman behave in the world, like watch how they move their bodies and where they put their hands, and how they react to minor obstacles when they drive, you know that the entire world is run by latent twelve year olds. It’s a little twelve year old rich prick white boy world, and everything in it is either for them or against them (which can be just as profitable if you do it right, like how these Ghostbuster people appear to be doing with the all female casting).

Sorry everybody, you’re stuck with a bunch of stupid, juvenile shit. And it won’t even matter all that much that Kate McKinnon will be involved. Even though, yeah, that might matter a lot in some ways such as how much I’m gonna bust my gut after forking over twelve dollars, one for every year my inner child has not aged past.

Based on the preferences of inner twelve year olds, here are some things you might expect to happen in the next ten years:

A “Funny” He-Man Movie Where Ha Ha Ha It Is Implied That Skeletor Is Gay And Teela Farts

A Remake Of Drop Dead Fred That Leads To Several Arguments Between Married Couples About Do We Really Have To See This, I Don’t Get It, Yes We Do Because I Want To And There’s Nothing To Get

A Doctor Who Movie That Nobody Likes

The Last Starfighter Remake Where It Turns Out That The Last Last Starfighter Was The Second To Last Starfighter

The Last Dragon Remake Where It Turns Out That The Last Last Dragon Was The Second To Last Dragon

The Last Airbender Remake Where It Turns Out That M. Night Shyalaman’s Career Is Finally Over

Big Trouble In Little China Remake, Just Kidding, They Would Never Remake That Given All The Money We Owe To Actual China

The Neverending Story Remake That Follows The Detective In Charge Of Bastian’s Missing Persons Case Who Ends Up Getting So Fucking Pissed That He Was Just Up In The Attic Of The School Reading A Goddamned Book For Eight Hours Before Being Kidnapped By A Sex Cult While Walking Home At Midnight, And The Resulting Civil Suit Where The School Is Charged With Criminal Negligence For Not Even Checking Up There Even Once Just Because The Janitor Was Too Afraid Of The Skeleton, But They Finally Found Him Using DNA From The Second Half Of The Sandwich And He Was Pretty Messed Up And Kept Crying And Asking For Falcor And Screaming When The Therapist Insisted There’s No Such Thing As Falcor, Falcor Is Just The Plot Device Of A Deus Ex Machina Come To Life, And You Need To Face Your Actual Problems Sometimes Without The Benefit Of A Luck Dragon

At Least Four Terminator Movies, And Maybe The Robot Is A Black Person

Some Kind Of A Superman Situation That Takes Itself 100% Seriously And Says Some Random Dumb Shit About Heroes And How Being A Real Hero Means Being A Dad Or Whatever

A Princess Bride Remake That Still Has Billy Crystal In It As If Fans Demanded More Billy Crystal, And We All Just Have To Sit Through The Billy Crystal Part And Let Him Do Whatever He Wants And Then Give Him Whatever Praise He Sadly Still Seems To Need, And We’ve All Agreed To Do This Basic Amount Of Billy Crystal Maintenance Because This Is Somehow The Price We All Have To Pay For Making Billy Crystal Famous In The First Place And Boy Was When Harry Met Sally Ever Not Worth It


That turned out relatively fun. I’m sorry if this thinkpiece was not sufficiently about Ghostbusters 3 for your taste, but in all fairness, if that is true, it’s time for night night, you fucking twelve year old baby. Go brush your teeth and put on your jammies.