By: Ben
Johnson
 |
| busting this makes me feel good |
Fuck. It’s this now?
[long sigh]
Okay, so they’re filming a third Ghostbusters
movie with an all female cast and they just sent out a press release about who
is in the all female cast, and people are going apeshit about it.
The important thing to keep in mind about this
is…
Goddammit. I mean…
I guess I could
throw together something about Ghostbusters 3. I kind of don't want to touch it
with a ten foot pole, because "movies are just things, people, why do we
have to act like babies about them" and "it's probably a good thing
that the culture nerds whose babylike whims have decided that the rest of us
are going to be stuck watching Thor 2 for the rest of eternity are now being
confronted with their own misogyny this directly" are difficult things to
articulate at the same time.
But also...
Can this please
just be it? Like can this please be the last thing we ever talk about?
No? Why? Because
J.J. Abrams Star Wars, and
there’s a Marvel
Comics 75 Year Plan to Destroy America which they are referring to, extremely
ominously, as “Phase 3,” and more importantly because I, a “creative class urban
white male” who tries his best to honestly, completely not give a shit about
any of these things, nonetheless knows about these things, and understands that
these things are implicitly for me, and
therefore feels entitled to an opinion about all of these things?
Well fuck. That
is… that is awful. What a predicament. What a goddamn conundrum we’re in right
now, us poor poor fucking totally fine white guys. All OF CULTURE is TROLLING
us right now. We’re being whipped up into a frenzy, and feeling pressured into
defending our positions, which we never even had to think about as being positions
before, and that was easier because that way we didn’t realize how indefensible
our positions were, and also what the fuck, these are just movies we’re talking
about, how come everything is crazy like this every single time anything
happens, boo hoo hoo :(
You can’t even
turn on your phone without being bombarded by cool shit that might be cool but
might also not be cool, but might actually be less cool than the previous cool
shit, and might instead be the “I don’t know, I still kind of liked it, it’s
still pretty cool” shit instead of the actual cool shit, and might also be, oh
my god worst case scenario, not cool shit at all, just regular uncool shit. It’s
like, what’s a guy to do? You can’t just ignore it. SOME OF THE SHIT IS COOL.
Like with cool robots and things blowing up in space and, like, wisecracking alien
babes. Sometimes they even say the “S” word.
Remember when
you were twelve years old? Just kidding. Of course you do. You are still twelve
years old. You are reading something about Ghostbusters 3 right now. You might
as well be sleeping on a twin bed with Power Rangers sheets. You fucking idiot.
I call you a “fucking
idiot” with the utmost sympathy, by the way. Because I’m a fucking idiot too. I’m
here just like you are. I, like, “thought” about this stuff.
I’m glad they
cast four women in Ghostbusters 3. The women they cast are funny as hell. Kate
McKinnon might secretly be the world’s current funniest human. Here’s my
impression of Kate
McKinnon on SNL right now: “oh, cool premise, you guys, really good job
crafting a funny ‘what if’ type scenario for people to chuckle at for six
minutes, really, great, thanks for letting me participate, now if you don’t
mind I’m going to go ahead and BURN THIS FUCKER
DOWN (huge wall of flame).” Ghostbusters 3 should be a pretty funny movie. Kate
McKinnon will be in it. And Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy and Leslie Jones
too. And they’re going to, like, bust ghosts and make wisecracks. They’re going
to be wisecracking ghostbuster women, which is like ideal for me because I like
all of those things a lot because inside of my grown man exterior I am actually
a baby inside, and you know what babies do: they cry until they get what they
want.
I liked the
Ghostbusters movie a lot, and then I also liked Ghostbusters 2 movie a fair
amount, and I’m sure I’ll also like this one. Good. I like liking movies. Me liking
movies is not important. At all. But: I think I’ll probably like this one more
than I don’t. For what it’s worth. Hint: it’s worth nothing. But: to the people
with the money who decide what entertainments exist for the rest of us, it’s
worth everything. So we’re stuck, culturally, with indulging actual twelve year
olds and inner twelve year old babies inside of the grown up humans that those
twelve year olds become. For the forseeable future.
Which makes a
ton of financial sense, because if you’ve ever seen an actual businessman
behave in the world, like watch how they move their bodies and where they put
their hands, and how they react to minor obstacles when they drive, you know
that the entire world is run by latent twelve year olds. It’s a little twelve
year old rich prick white boy world, and everything in it is either for them or
against them (which can be just as profitable if you do it right, like how
these Ghostbuster people appear to be doing with the all female casting).
Sorry everybody,
you’re stuck with a bunch of stupid, juvenile shit. And it won’t even matter
all that much that Kate McKinnon will be involved. Even though, yeah, that
might matter a lot in some ways such as how much I’m gonna bust my gut after
forking over twelve dollars, one for every year my inner child has not aged
past.
Based on the
preferences of inner twelve year olds, here are some things you might expect to
happen in the next ten years:
A “Funny” He-Man Movie Where Ha Ha Ha It Is
Implied That Skeletor Is Gay And Teela Farts
A Remake Of Drop Dead Fred That Leads To
Several Arguments Between Married Couples About Do We Really Have To See This,
I Don’t Get It, Yes We Do Because I Want To And There’s Nothing To Get
A Doctor Who Movie That Nobody Likes
The Last Starfighter Remake Where It Turns Out
That The Last Last Starfighter Was The Second To Last Starfighter
The Last Dragon Remake Where It Turns Out That
The Last Last Dragon Was The Second To Last Dragon
The Last Airbender Remake Where It Turns Out
That M. Night Shyalaman’s Career Is Finally Over
Big Trouble In Little China Remake, Just
Kidding, They Would Never Remake That Given All The Money We Owe To Actual China
The Neverending Story Remake That Follows The
Detective In Charge Of Bastian’s Missing Persons Case Who Ends Up Getting So
Fucking Pissed That He Was Just Up In The Attic Of The School Reading A
Goddamned Book For Eight Hours Before Being Kidnapped By A Sex Cult While
Walking Home At Midnight, And The Resulting Civil Suit Where The School Is Charged
With Criminal Negligence For Not Even Checking Up There Even Once Just Because
The Janitor Was Too Afraid Of The Skeleton, But They Finally Found Him Using
DNA From The Second Half Of The Sandwich And He Was Pretty Messed Up And Kept
Crying And Asking For Falcor And Screaming When The Therapist Insisted There’s
No Such Thing As Falcor, Falcor Is Just The Plot Device Of A Deus Ex Machina Come
To Life, And You Need To Face Your Actual Problems Sometimes Without The
Benefit Of A Luck Dragon
At Least Four Terminator Movies, And Maybe The
Robot Is A Black Person
Some Kind Of A Superman Situation That Takes
Itself 100% Seriously And Says Some Random Dumb Shit About Heroes And How Being
A Real Hero Means Being A Dad Or Whatever
A Princess Bride Remake That Still Has Billy
Crystal In It As If Fans Demanded More Billy Crystal, And We All Just Have To Sit
Through The Billy Crystal Part And Let Him Do Whatever He Wants And Then Give
Him Whatever Praise He Sadly Still Seems To Need, And We’ve All Agreed To Do
This Basic Amount Of Billy Crystal Maintenance Because This Is Somehow The
Price We All Have To Pay For Making Billy Crystal Famous In The First Place And
Boy Was When Harry Met Sally Ever Not Worth It
Well.
That turned out
relatively fun. I’m sorry if this thinkpiece was not sufficiently about
Ghostbusters 3 for your taste, but in all fairness, if that is true, it’s time
for night night, you fucking twelve year old baby. Go brush your teeth and put
on your jammies.
