Friday, January 30, 2015

The Total Bozo Magazine Super Bowl XLIX Preview?

By: Total Bozo

The Super Bowl is happening on Sunday. We have a website. Therefore, we might end up talking about the Super Bowl.

BEN: Would you have any interest in doing a Total Bozo Super Bowl Preview? (This is how the Total Bozo Super Bowl Preview begins. It is currently happening.)

KELLY: I don't know if I even have interest enough to fake it. hahaha. But maybe Lindsey would wanna take a crack at this one? Or Andrea? I've got them copied here. 

BEN: Look guys, we don't have to do this. We could all just agree not to do this.

KELLY: I think "someone" should do this, and I'd very much like to read it. I'd do it if I wasn't cry pooping over workish things. 

LINDSEY: I wish I had time this weekend:(

BEN: I think it should be a good game, since both teams are good at football. Does anybody have an opinion about any of this?

KELLY: I always start thinking "oh, I think this Sunday is the Superbowl" starting basically the first Sunday after Christmas until I know full well that it has come and gone. I also think about going to a bar where there's some sort of Superbowl event just to eat their nachos, etc. 

I literally have no idea who's playing the Superbowl this year. The LA Kings?

ANDREA: just saw these was there an attachment? i'm in Mexico but might have downtime tonight

BEN: The LA Kings are a hockey team, so no, they will not be participating unless something very unusual happens. The teams that are playing are the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks, FYI. This preview is going well. I think non football fans should have some Super Bowl traditions of their own, like how Jews go to the movies and eat Chinese food on Christmas, and thieving nachos is a great idea. Maybe you could all dress up like the Hamburglar and go "ROBLE ROBLE!"

Also, I'm going to open this up to Ben Seeder and Pete "My Brother" Johnson, in case that helps. Guys? Super Bowl Preview?

KELLY: I wonder if there would ever be an extreme situation where a hockey team (baseball, basketball, etc) had to fill in during the Superbowl. Like how there's Airforce 1 and Airforce 2. 

I'm just not even gonna flesh that out. I'm just leaving it there. 

ANDREA: so the thing is i don't know enough about football to even know what writing a super bowl preview means so could you spell it out for me i'm interested. full disclosure i didn't read all the emails.

LINDSEY: We could interview Ben about "how to get 'cool' girls to watch the football with you."

KELLY: This is unraveling in the best way. It's like pouring a bag of marbles onto the empty hardwood floors of an apartment and then videotaping it. 

BEN: I could definitely see some sort of Super Bowl Emergency Plan coming into play where it's 2035 and a majority of the country has been incinerated by cosmic rays but whatever jabbering meathead is the current President insists that the Super Bowl still needs to happen as a show of American resiliency, and it turns out the Minnesota Twins are available since most of them were hiding in Minnesotan bunkers for the winter anyway. The Super Bowl has been slowly but inexorably becoming about things that aren't actually football for years and years now. Maybe by then it'll just be a thing where you turn on your TV to watch an American Flag wave for three hours while U.S. Air Force drones drop hot pizza poppers into your mouth.

Any thoughts on Katy Perry? I feel like the entire appeal of Katy Perry is just "America really wants to motorboat Katy Perry, but can't, but we feel we should keep her around just in case."

ANDREA: i still don't understand what is happening but i like it

KELLY: I definitely feel like the Super Bowl is mostly about snacks and controversial commercials. I would buy season passes to an event that included a flag waving for hours and pizza poppers being DRONE DROPPED (I just invented that) into my mouth.

I feel like Katy Perry makes near constant fart face and is basically a walking used condom. 

I'm tempted to just start copying everyone I know on this email. And I'll do that now. Tess, April ... any thoughts on the Super Bowl? 



Like what about Richard Sherman? What about Gronk? What about those deflated footballs, and, like matchups? What role will Doritos, or even Doritos LOCOS play in all of this? HOW AM I THE ONLY PERSON WITH SUPER BOWL PREVIEW FEVER, OR "PREVER" FOR SHORT?

KELLY: It's this Sunday, right? I should live tweet it. My Hungarian/sex offender following NEEDS my input. 

APRIL: I try to quit the Super Bowl every year, and I can't quit the Super Bowl, but the closest I came was the time I took a bong rip before the game and only remembered the Black Eyed Peas making me uncomfortable while I was eating black eyed peas.

Sent from my iPhone

BEN: But what about like "matchups to watch" and "wacky prop bets" and Richard Sherman and Gronk? How does Andrea not know about Gronk erotica? What role will Doritos, or more importantly Doritos LOCOS play in all of this? I'm out here trying to PREVIEW the SUPER BOWL and you people are like "it's this Sunday, right?" YES IT'S THIS SUNDAY. AAAAHHHHHH.


JIM CRAGO: Alright, Edwards, I just printed out the Rush tickets for June 12. Let's reconnect in a...

Whoops. Wrong email thread.

Uhhhhh...I've got the over on Idina Menzel's rendition of the National Anthem.

KELLY: My cousin Karri who lives in Los Angeles always Instagrams pictures of herself at LA Kings games and I always see them and wonder if she's doing social media for them. It makes more sense to me that she now has a random job with the LA Kings marketing department than to think that she goes to sports games to see sports happen.

BEN: I am heartbroken. I have failed to preview the Super Bowl. And to make matters worse, I am friends with a Rush fan.

TESS: I'm very into this entire thread and wish I had any opinion whatsoever on the Super Bowl. I only knew it was happening because I asked a dude to go out Sunday night and he was all, UM THE SUPER BOWL THO and I was like, lol k. I just want someone to rate/review Katy Perry's performance based on which Cheetos flavor(s) it most closely resembles. 

JIM CRAGO: Well, technically two. That is if you're friends with Todd.

Anyway, sorry to "deflate" your attempt at a Super Bowl preview. I hope it doesn't leave you "deflated."

#deflate #deflategate #Rush

BEN: This is the worst day of my life.

TODD SCHANBACHER: That's Todd Edwards BTW. Fuck Rush, but Skynyrd rules.

PETE JOHNSON: Hey Ben, how are those tips on how to get cool guys to watch the Super Bowl with you coming?


COREY RITTMASTER: I'm with you, Ben. Why isn't there a Super Bowl preview on par with the red carpet at the Oscars? People shouting at Russell Wilson and Vince Wilfork, asking them who they're wearing, that sort of thing. 

KELLY: Tess, I think we should go to a bar where Superbowl things are happening, steal all their snacks, and then start crying when Katy Perry comes on, and then leave. We could bring smoke bombs. 

TESS: Yes. Can we just bar-hop for snacks, then rank the snacks?

BEN: Alright, you know what? I'm calling it. We did it. Thank you for reading the Total Bozo Magazine Super Bowl Preview! Stay tuned for Crying Super Bowl Bar Snack Ranks and Possible Hungarian/Sex Offender Live Tweet of Sunday's action!