Monday, February 23, 2015

A Shareable Guide to Important '80s Movies For People Dating Fetuses

By: Kelly McClure


Sometimes you're a little bit old. Sometimes you're a little bit old and are perhaps dating or married to a person who is not quite as old. This could lead to a scenario where you're maybe watching a show like Stalker and say something such as "that little ginger stalker looks like Eric Stoltz," to the person you're dating or married to and receive a response similar to ... "Who?"

Rather than trying to explain who these people are by listing off a bunch of movies that they haven't seen, on account of being fetuses, you can now be like "hold on, let me send this thing to you," and then forward them this. 

You're welcome. Nevermind.

THE MOST IMPORTANT ONES:



WHY: Class wars, Cool vs. preppy, Molly Ringwald in her ultimate prime, Andrew McCarthy at his most hateable, James Spader giving perfect life coach vibes for up and coming assholes in loafers, Best possible soundtrack.



Who's James Spader

BEST SONG: DUH


BEST QUOTE: "You're a Bitch."




WHY: Valley people vs. punks when that was a thing, Nicholas Cage at his absolute cutest, Best hair, Best soundtrack, Best example of being brave and going after what you want, etc. 


BEST SONG: THIS

BEST QUOTE: "Well fuck you, for sure, like totally!"




WHY: Mary Stuart Masterson as a lesbian seeming straight person, Fringe gloves, Punks vs. poor art kids vs. rich kids, Getting those diamond earrings, Best soundtrack, Eric Stoltz at his most regular.


Who's Eric Stoltz

BEST SONG: THIS


BEST QUOTE: "It's Hardy Jenns (shoots bird) with TWO n's."




WHY: Dream team of Winona Ryder and Shannen Doherty, Best lines all throughout, Best outfits, Christian Slater before his "thing" got annoying, Revenge fantasies, etc. 

Who's Winona Ryder

Who's Shannen Doherty


BEST SONG: DUH 

BEST QUOTE: "Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?"




WHY: Attractive vampires, Corey Haim before he lost his mind, Beach vampires as a thing that can happen, Corey Feldman before he lost his mind.

Who's Corey Haim?

Who's Corey Feldman

BEST SONG: THIS

BEST QUOTE: "They're only noodles, Michael." 


THE BARELY LESS IMPORTANT ONES:




WHY: John Cusack letting everyone know how doofy guys can get girls who look like Ione Skye, Kickboxing as a thing people do, Lili Taylor singing, Boom Box under your window, Cassette tapes. 

Who's John Cusack?

Who's Ione Skye?

Who's Lili Taylor?

BEST SONG: THIS

BEST QUOTE: "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen."



WHY: Keanu Reeves in a dramatic role, Crispin Glover as a person, Murder, So many leather jackets, etc.

Who's Keanu Reeves?


BEST SONG: THIS

BEST QUOTE:  "Get your nunchuks and your dad's car."



WHY: Chicago problems, Suburban concerns, Elisabeth Shue being more comforting than Ibuprofen, etc.

Who's Elisabeth Shue

BEST SONG: Couldn't find a soundtrack listing for this but I remember there being various blues songs. 

BEST QUOTE: "Don't fuck with the babysitter."



WHY: Robert Downey Jr. and his gap, "Computers," Various monsters and such, Poop jokes, The mall, Showering with people.


BEST SONG: THIS


BEST QUOTE: "You spit in this?"




WHY: Gothy Winona Ryder, Catherine O'Hara as a person, Song and dance numbers, etc.

Who's Winona Ryder


BEST SONG: THIS

BEST QUOTE: "This is my art, and it is dangerous." 


QUIZ SECTION

What is this from?
What is this from?
What is this from?
What is this from?
What is this from? 



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