Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Recent Jeans Things

By: Kelly McClure

Over the past two days I've been out of my home, traveling to, and then away from a city that I do not live in for a music related thing. Within that time, being distracted from my usual 24/7 internet awareness practices, a lot of things happened. A lot of jeans things. 

For the most part, jeans play an important, yet low-key role in a person's life. If used correctly, jeans will serve as a comfortable, flattering (if you care) way to keep your flesh and genitals out of plain site. If used incorrectly, jeans can hurt you physically, mentally, or cause you to otherwise embarrass yourself on the internet. Here are two examples:

As I now have come to understand it, a woman in Australia was recently wearing some jeans that were perhaps a bit too tight for her. She was wearing these jeans while helping someone move, an activity which put her in some manner of repeated squatting position. After finishing these squatting positions, she went for a walk in the park, at which point her jeans were like "I hate you. I'm gonna hurt your body now and make "jeans" a thing that ends up on the morning news."

The Washington Post breaks it all down with this recent description of the jeans related incident:

"The 35-year-old woman arrived at the hospital in bad shape. As she was walking home through a park, she noticed she was having trouble lifting the front part of her feet. Then she tripped, fell to the ground and collapsed."

Wearing clothes of any sort will automatically make you less comfortable, to some degree, than if you were not wearing any clothes at all. I think we can all agree on that. When it comes to jeans, sure, they can be a bit tough. Putting on brand new jeans can be a bit of a struggle. Putting on jeans fresh from the dryer can be a bit of a struggle. Putting on jeans you wore every day last year only to find that this year they don't quite make it over your upper thighs can be a bit of a struggle. I guess what we can learn from this particular jeans thing is that each of us, each individual jeans wearer, needs to suss out how much pain we're willing to endure for our pants. Maybe strive for a life where you don't fall down on your face and almost die because of pants. Does that  sound reasonable?

There's a lot to worry about in life and I personally am taking a firm stand against making "pants" be one of them. I don't want to open my planner one day to find the notation: "Figure out what to do about pants."

These are Calvin Johnson's pants

In other pants news, while sitting in the passenger seat of a rental car yesterday, returning home from the other city that's not my city that I had been to, I learned from Stereogum that Calvin Johnson is selling some of his pants. 

Here's some more information on his decision to enter the world of "pants news:"

"K Records and Beat Happening founder Calvin Johnson is auctioning off two pairs of his old “’80s Punk” jeans on eBay, which the listings say he wore “to punk shows in Olympia, Portland, Tacoma, Seattle, New York, Washington DC, Tokyo, and around the world.” The Levi’s 505s and 501s are currently going for $20.50 and $51.00, respectively."

The decision to sell some pants is not, on the surface, an altogether interesting thing. I've personally sold some pants. I think I sold them one time at Buffalo Exchange, and then another time at Beacon's Closet. I can tell you exactly why I sold these pants. I sold these pants because I didn't have any money and needed to get some money. When a person needs money they start looking around the house for things to sell. Usually the first thing a person will sell for money they need is records. But maybe you've run out of records, or no one wants your records (*cough*) so then what are you gonna sell? Pants? Pants! Taking another look at Calvin Johnson's pants news, I'm happy to report that $20.50 and $51.00 are both very reasonable prices for pants. It would be difficult to find a brand new pair of pants for either of those prices. 

These are Calvin Johnson's pants

That's all I've got in the way of pants news right now.  Feel free to message us with any tips as to what the next trend in topically sensitive pants news might be.