Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Your Kid Is A Murderer

By: Ben Johnson

A 2015 study released by the American Psychological Association found strong link between children who go up the slide and future homicidal tendencies. The parents of over 200 prison inmates were surveyed concerning their incarcerated childrens’ park behavior.
Out of the 200 parents polled, 97% of them reported that they allowed their child to run up the slide. The other parents did not have parks in their neighborhood.
Other behaviors strongly associated with murderous tendencies included:
  • throwing sand
  • being aggressive on the play structure
  • intentionally kicking parent while on the swings
  • removal of shoes in the sandbox area
  • definitely not any kind of abuse or trauma
  • sure I like to take a drink every now and again
  • who doesn't
  • I'm a good mom, okay?
  • I already got me a man
  • who, Craig?
  • you gonna have to talk to Craig about that
  • you definitely gonna have to talk to Craig about that
  • hey what's with all the questions?
  • I'll suck your dick for an extra $50