Monday, October 20, 2014

An Emotional Response to Various Type of Halloween Candies

By: Kelly McClure

Halloween is more or less an encapsulation of nightmares for me now, but there is a part of me that will always consider it, abstractly, my favorite holiday second only to Christmas. The main reason for this is that, like Christmas, it encourages gluttony and the blatant demand for things. I don't know how you feel about life, but I can really stand behind a situation that encourages children (whatever, I went trick-or-treating until I was 20) to go door to door asking for people to take things from their home and deposit them into bags that you're standing there shoving into their faces.

When I was making the trick-or-treating rounds, the candy being dealt out was usually the normal, run of the mill bounty containing Reese's cups, mini Snickers, mini Kit-Kats, and mini M&M bags. Sometimes you'd hit a house that was handing out full candy bars and that would send everyone into delirium. One year my parents handed out full candy bars, but that was only because we had a surplus from Costco that had gone stale. The neighborhood kids quickly discovered that the candy had passed its prime and threw the bars against our garage door. The next morning our driveway looked like it was littered with turds. I felt really embarrassed at school that day and tried to be like "We didn't hand those out. I don't know what you're talking about."

I cannot assume what is being handed out on Halloween these days, but I suspect that most of it includes something secretly planted that intends to rape and kill you.

I came across a thing on the Internet this morning titled: "Halloween candies include urine, blood, saliva, body parts." This of course caused me to take pause. The article was found on the website for a news channel called WSAV that has the slogan: "On Your Side." Some investigating revealed that this station serves breaking news for Savannah, Hilton Head, Beaufort, Bluffton, Richmond Hill, and Statesboro. So, there it is.

Let's take a closer look at what these threatening candies are all about. Maybe we want some?

OH MY GOD! Wait, I don't think that's feces, I'm pretty sure that's just peanut butter. And those are so clearly NOT real eyeballs.

I bet this has exploded in so many backpacks. My first thought, randomly, upon seeing this picture is that If I had this as a kid I'd probably try to use it as hair gel.

Someone's Mom has these in her office job desk at this very moment. If I was the manufacturer of this product I'd make it so the raised part of the band-aid had a red candy goo inside so that when you bit it it looked like scabby band-aid blood was oozing out. 

This is definitely supposed to look like a urine sample and that's fine. What I'm really thinking about is how the pitch meeting for this product went down. "So, Larry, let me get this straight ... the kids will be drinking pee?" "YEAH! It'll look like pee!!" "Larry, let me ask you something, as a friend, what's with you and kids drinking pee? Is there someone we can call for you? My cousin Franklin had a similar problem and we got him this great therapist. Let me get you his number, hold on."

Hahahaha. Goths. You KNOW they sell these candy blood packets at Hot Topic. I remember seeing my first ever Hot Topic in a mall in California when I was in Jr. High and I actually started crying a little bit in this embarrassing "this is it!!! This is my place!!!" way.

What if every pre-packed food item looked like an ear? Like if that was just the way it always was? Instead of taco shells coming in a box, they came in an ear shaped box, because that was just the packaging norm. Think about it. 

I'm actually getting my debit card out to buy these right now because I would really love to be in some strained setting, some situation where I'm supposed to seem like a fully functional member of society, and have a vial of Candy Urine roll out of my bag. What would people say? What would they SAY??

These bloody bones look more like bloody teeth if you just look quick. Bloody teeth would have made more sense. You could have them in your mouth and have your friend pretend to punch you and then spit them out like "MY TEETH!!! MY BLOODY TEETH!!!" I've never really been a fan of hard candy.

There's a candy store in China Town here in NY that I like to go to. They have bins and bins of all different kinds of candies and the ladies who work there watch you like a hawk. I always focus primarily on the gummies, and then lightly dip into the Asian candy, especially the kind that gives no clue as to what it is because the package just has a smiling tree stump or something. Last time we went I got gummy fried eggs and they tasted like a weird butter. They were gross but I ate them anyway because I liked how chewy they were. 

All different kinds of blood. I wonder which one is the best. There's probably a candy blood that calls itself "The best candy blood in the world."

I'm sorry to be the one to say this, but they should make these personalized so you could be like "Here, sorry your Mom died. Have a candy."

These are the best kind of gummies. The thick ones.

This is a container and it's also off topic. I think WSAV forgot what their post was supposed to be about mid-way through.

Walking around with a little arm sticking out of your mouth would probably be really funny. People should suck on these during first dates. Just the whole time. 

I've had these and the chocolate is terrible. It's that dandruffy kind of chocolate. Do you know what I mean? It's like, dandruffy. 

I can't tell if these gummy skulls are filled with red goo or not. Like with most things, they'd be better if they were.

That's a happy little guy. 

These waxy things with the ooze inside always remind me of poor kids. I don't know why. 

They've got the right idea here. Ooze. It's all about ooze. Make whatever you can ooze in some way and you'll be in good shape. 

Come on, WSAV. Splash some water in your face.

Candy corn is always one of those "Ugh, Candy Corn. Whatever, I'll eat fifty handfuls of it" things.

This gigantic gummy skull is the best thing they've had yet. Even better than the candy urine. I want to get one of these and just slowly eat it on a park bench. Very casually. During like 5PM rush hour foot traffic. Or sit in front of a school and eat it while timing how long it takes the cops to come.

No. Refreshing, but no.