Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Total Bozo Magazine 2014-2015 NBA Preview

By: Ben Johnson

Something like this. Many times. Soon.

It’s that time of year again! The NBA basketball time! NBA teams will start playing basketball games against each other! They will keep playing basketball games for a long time! They will play 82 games! Each! Then, after playing 82 games (EACH), the eight NBA teams with the best record from each conference will play a tournament-style playoff which can include up to 105 additional games! Then at the end of that tournament the NBA teams will stop playing games all over again, and there will be a NBA champion team! That’s all starting tonight! It’s exciting.

I predict the following 30 NBA teams will play games this year:

Boston Celtics – Prediction: The Celtics will play 82 regular season NBA games.

Brooklyn Nets – Prediction: The Nets will play in 82 regular season NBA games, and maybe some playoff games too, but not definitely any set amount of playoff games. The Nets could end up playing zero playoff games, for example, or maybe even six.

New York Knicks – Prediction: The Knicks will play in 82 regular season NBA games, and maybe even some playoff games too. Stranger things have been known to happen than the New York Knicks playing a playoff game or two. Actually, it would be very strange if the Knicks only played two playoff games. Usually there are at least four playoff games per playoff series. But these are the Knicks we’re talking about here. They could play two playoff games and then decide two is all they’re gonna play, I guess.

Philadelphia 76ers – Prediction: The 76ers will play in 82 regular season NBA games, and definitely NOT any playoff games because they don’t want to do playoff games. Come to think of it, the 76ers would probably prefer not to play any regular season games either, but I predict they are still going to play 82 of them because of peer pressure from all of their basketball friends.

Toronto Raptors – Prediction: The Raptors will play 82 regular season NBA games, and probably also some playoff games since they played some playoff games last year, and they might do that again.

Chicago Bulls – Prediction: The Bulls will play in 82 regular season NBA games, plus at least four playoff games and maybe more playoff games than that, but you never know about the Chicago Bulls and what’s going to happen. We can’t know about the future and we can’t know about the Chicago Bulls either.

Cleveland Cavaliers – Prediction: The Cavaliers will play in 82 regular season NBA games, and, like, a lot of playoff games too. The Cavaliers will probably play like almost the maximum amount of playoff games one team can play, which is 28 playoff games. Hey, I just noticed: 82 regular season NBA games, and up to 28 NBA playoff games. 82 and 28. It’s like a numbers mix-up of 2’s and 8’s!

Detroit Pistons – Prediction: The Pistons will play 82 regular season NBA games, and as for playoff games go, I would be surprised but not shocked about what if The Pistons also were in some playoff games.

Indiana Pacers – Prediction: The Pacers will play 82 regular season NBA games, and sadly for them they might not get invited to play many playoff games. The Pacers used to play in lots of playoff games, but now, who knows, maybe not. The Pacers make me want to type a colon and an open parenthesis like this… 
:( 
...because that looks like a frowning, sad face, and that’s probably what The Pacers are doing with their faces right now when they think about "oh man we might not get invited to play any playoff games this year after we get done with our 82 regular season games. :( ONE MILLION."

Milwaukee Bucks – Prediction: The Bucks will play in 82 regular season NBA games. They could maybe even play games in the playoffs too! It’s within the realm of possibility! Probably not, but still.

Atlanta Hawks – Prediction: The Hawks will play 82 regular season NBA games, and maybe some playoff games too, and the whole time they are just gonna still be the Atlanta Hawks no matter what.

Charlotte Hornets – Prediction: The Hornets will play in 82 regular season NBA games and very likely a few playoff games too. They are not called the Bobcats like they were last year. This year they are called the Hornets. Be careful about getting confused. The Bobcats will play in zero NBA games this year because there are no Bobcats.

Miami Heat – Prediction: The Heat will play 82 regular season NBA games, and they will probably play in a few playoff games too, but it’s not like they are going to get all excited about it or anything, okay?

Orlando Magic – Prediction: The Magic will play in 82 regular season NBA games. Could this be the year they will also play some extra playoff games? Go out there and mix it up in some NBA playoff games? No. That will not happen.

Washington Wizards – Prediction: The Wizards will play in 82 regular season NBA games. They will play in some playoff games too, which they will enjoy because basketball games are fun!

Golden State Warriors – Prediction: The Warriors will play 82 regular season NBA games. Will they play in some playoff games too? Yes. They will.

Los Angeles Clippers – Prediction: The Clippers will play in 82 regular season NBA games and also some playoff games.

Los Angeles Lakers – Prediction: The Lakers will play in 82 regular season NBA games and also zero playoff games.

Phoenix Suns – Prediction: The Suns will play in 82 regular season NBA games. Playoff games? Maybe.

Sacramento Kings – Prediction: The Kings will play in 82 regular season NBA games. I would be very surprised if they played in any playoff games.

Dallas Mavericks – Prediction: The Mavericks will play in 82 regular season NBA games and some playoff games too. How many playoff games are the Mavericks going to play? Hey, don’t look at me. I don’t have all the answers.

Houston Rockets – Prediction: The Rockets will play 82 regular season NBA games. They will also probably play some playoff games. They are the Rockets. Please don’t make me talk about the Rockets for too long. They are not fun.

Memphis Grizzlies – Prediction: The Grizzlies will play 82 regular season NBA games and then maybe they will play some playoff games too, I guess.

New Orleans Pelicans – Prediction: The Pelicans will play in 82 regular season NBA games, and if they do play in any playoff games, that will be more fun than anything the Rockets do.

San Antonio Spurs – Prediction: The Spurs will play in 82 regular season NBA games and then they will play in a lot of playoff games, and a lot of people will talk about how they love the Spurs so much because they love basketball so much and the Spurs are good at basketball and that is important.

Denver Nuggets – Prediction: The Nuggets will play 82 regular season NBA games and I don’t think they will play in any playoff games.

Minnesota Timberwolves – Prediction: The Timberwolves will play in 82 regular season NBA games and they might not win a lot of those games but they will do a good job dunking during those games.

Oklahoma City Thunder – Prediction: The Thunder will play in 82 regular season NBA games and then they will play a whole bunch of playoff games too. So many games will happen it’s almost like “sheesh, what’s up with all these NBA games?” And the Thunder, they're going to be right there, playing in some of them, doing their best.

Portland Trailblazers – Prediction: The Trailblazers will play 82 regular season NBA games, and then some playoff games, and then after that they will rest sensibly.

Utah Jazz – Prediction: The Jazz will play in 82 regular season NBA games. An announcer will say "this is the Utah Jazz basketball team," and then the Utah Jazz will start playing in a basketball game. 82 times. That’s what is about to happen, people.

BONUS SEASON PREDICTION: THERE WILL BE BETWEEN 1,275 and 1,335 NBA GAMES OVER THE NEXT SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS. GET READY FOR ALL THOSE GAMES TO BE HAPPENING.


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