Monday, November 18, 2013

This is What New York City WILL Look Like in 2033

By: Ben Johnson

I like to pretend I'm too smart for the internet sometimes, but I'm not. Case in point: this little thing on Huffington Post about all the neato gigantic development projects currently happening in New York City. They called it "What New York City Could Look Like In 2033," and did not mention that due to global climate change New York City is going to be one gigantic river of shit by then. So I thought: I'm smarter than the internet. I should just Photoshop some rivers of shit onto everything they're talking about and call it a day.

And then, several hours later, my eyes are bleeding and all I have to show for it is further confirmation that I top out at medium funny.

Enjoy:

1. The New Penn Station

The new Penn Station is going to be about eye deep in a river of shit.

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2. The New World Trade Center

The new World Trade Center is going to be the tallest building in North America measured from the bottom of a river of shit to the top of its spire, sort of how that one Hawaiian island is the world's tallest mountain if you measure from the sea floor.

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3. Hudson Yards

This feels to me like a thing that has the tenacity to stick around even post-river of shit.

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4. 5 Pointz

When the river of shit finally comes for graffiti's living temple, those uncreative ignoramuses will probably figure out a way to tag it.

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5. +POOL

I see no reason why it can't work.

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6. MoMA Tower

The people at the MoMA, always on the cutting edge, decide to scrap their $1 billion financing package for a huge tower, and instead upgrade their facade to river of shit as a postmodern commentary on the inherent powerlessness of modern architecture in the face of massive climatological upheaval.

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7. The Queensway

These guys are probably gonna need a new graphic designer if they're going to be able to sell the City on the idea of a walkway through a river of shit.

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8. South Bronx Initiative Plan

Seems like a good idea to me.

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9. The New Whitney Museum

Bad News: they're not gonna finish it. Good News: it won't matter.

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10. Cornell NYC Tech

I'm sure these eggheads will figure out a way.

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11. The New Westchester Avenue Station

Sure it doesn't look like much now, but it turns out that bridge is juust high enough to make it over a river of shit.

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12. Essex Crossing

I have faith in the industrious denizens of the Lower East Side. They'll make it work.

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13. The new Loew's Kings Theater

Probably not gonna have the time or the money for this one what with the river of shit.

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14. East River Blueway

You try and do this many Photoshops without a mistake. See how you like it.

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15. New York Wheel

It's Staten Island, so probably the traffic cones at least will survive.

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16. The Lowline

Obviously it's not in great taste to make fun of New York City's proximity to the raging, rising Atlantic Ocean in the wake of the loss of life and property caused by Hurricane Sandy, to say nothing of the more recent Typhoon Haiyan which just decimated large swaths of the Philippines. But if you're relatively young and relatively mobile, it might be time to take a good hard look at the Earth's geography before settling down with a family. That's all I'm saying. Don't be an idiot like a multibillion dollar real estate development conglomerate. The writing's on the wall. Save yourself while you still can. Also, sheesh, take a look at the Lowline. Maybe spruce that place up with a nice photo.

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17. Bedford Avenue, Williamsburg

Culturally speaking, you already live in a river of shit, and they are gonna build that Whole Foods whether you like it or not.

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