Thursday, November 21, 2013

What Men REALLY Think About [Fill In The Blank]



By: Ben Johnson


Hmm hmmm. Blowjobs blowjobs.

Wait what are we talking about? [Fill in the blank]? Uh. Okay, me, you can do this. Just turn on your brain and point it towards [fill in the blank] and see what comes spilling out. You gotta do it. People are gonna know you’re an idiot. Come on. Don’t be an idiot. Let’s go. [Fill in the blank].

Let’s see. There’s this one thing I heard one time from somebody who knows more than me. I could just say that. Yeah, okay. Fine. Say that. Wait. Say you read it in a thing first so these people don’t think you’re some kind of a phony.

“I think I read an article or something about…”

Okay good. That went well. They read that too.

Oh. That’s why they started talking about it. Good move, idiot. You’re all caught up to basic idiot level in this conversation. Nice. This is gonna be just fucking great. Shh. Stay positive. Come on.

Okay they’re going to still talk about this for a while. Okay.

Wait. Why am I even having this conversation? I don’t care about [fill in the blank]. What I REALLY think about [fill in the blank] is “who the fuck cares?”

But, okay, I can’t just say “who the fuck cares.” These people might the fuck care. Glasses over there. THAT is a person who cares so much the fuck about [fill in the blank] they have no sense of humor about it.

[Fill in the blank]. Come on. Say something kind of pithy that indicates you know about the subject and could talk more about it if required to, but would rather not, and maybe let’s talk about something else now. Politely. To your date and/or weird person with big teeth at a wedding and/or other person’s family member and/or the website editor with the glasses. [Fill in the blank]. Fucking [fill in the blank]. Come on, smart guy, don’t just stand there with your mouth half open like a drooling hillbilly. THINK something about [fill in the blank]. 

Man, I fucking hate this.

FUCK [FILL IN THE BLANK].

No, dummy, don’t say that. Don’t be an asshole. What’s the nicest possible version of a thing you can say about [fill in the blank]? Start with that. Oh, no, wait, do this: when somebody else says something negative on the subject of [fill in the blank], defend it in a general way, that way you’re not the one being negative. That’s good. Nobody likes a negative person. Okay, there. Glasses. Glasses said a negative thing.

“I don’t know, isn’t that the whole point of a [fill in the blank]?”

Okay, okay, mixed results. That came out like I really really know the whole point of [fill in the blank]. Hedge.

“I mean, that’s what it seems like to me.” Now smile like we all agree about this.

Uh oh. Why do I feel like that didn’t work? This feels like one of those bad silences. Let’s see: “whole point,” okay that was bad, “just what it seems like to me,” not great but at least I made it just about me… and then the knowing smile. Oh God. Made it about me and then the knowing smile. I’m a cock. I sound like a cock when I talk.

Say another thing. No! Wait! Ask! Ask something. Ask what they think. People like talking again. Shit. They’re already talking. They’re already mad. You missed it. You blew it. You’re such an idiot. You’re an asshole. God, fuck, they know. They all know what an idiot asshole you are. Oh shit this sucks. Now the person who said the negative thing about [fill in the blank], Fucking Glasses, is really mad at you. You chose the wrong side against the wrong person, buddy. That’s what you get for being an idiot and an asshole. Glasses is right. Glasses is dead right.

Hey wait. Stick up for yourself. What the fuck are you doing? This person is yelling at you because you’re wrong about a fucking [fill in the blank]? Fuck them. You’re not the idiot or the asshole. THEY’RE the idiot or the asshole. Do something. Say something. Don’t sit there and let Glasses lecture you about [fill in the blank]. You don’t give a shit about [fill in the blank], and you don’t give a shit about Glasses. Stand your ground.

“Yeah, but who cares?”

Good one.

Oh wait. NOT GOOD ONE.

Glasses is fucking MAD. Looks like Big Teeth is on Team Glasses. Okay. What’s going on here? 

Try. Figure this out.

Why are these people so mad? Are they mad about [fill in the blank]? They can’t be. Nobody can be that mad about [fill in the blank]. It doesn’t make any sense. They could be a certain amount mad about [fill in the blank], but not THIS mad. So they’re also mad about something else. 

Okay. Me. They're mad at me. THIS mad at me? I said like three things. I might suck, but not THAT much. These people are upset about extra things. It's like I'm the thing they've been mad at all along, and I just now showed up and opened up my idiot asshole mouth, and now they're gonna wail on me.

Oh man, Glasses. Teeing off on me because they didn’t have anybody to yell at earlier when they dropped their keys and bent over to pick them up and their favorite shirt got a hole in it because of the stupid sharp fence thing or before that when they had to pay ComEd a $120 “transfer deposit” because their credit sucks or before that when the Walgreens guy was rude. Something like that?

No, wait, I'm being dismissive. That’s what’s making Glasses mad. That I'm dismissive. That's the thing. I'm being dismissive just like how sharp fence and ComEd and the Walgreens dude were dismissive. And now they’re yelling about [fill in the blank] because they actually know about it and I don’t, and worse, I don’t even care, and I'm acting like I know about it even though I don’t, not as much as they do, and also I don’t even listen. Okay. They are right about all of this, sure. They had a bad day, got dismissed a bunch, and I show up and make it worse instead of better. Totally my fault.

Okay, this is an upset person. Being upset is good. All emotions are good. Upset helps people stand up for themselves. Okay. They're standing up to me, and they're standing up to sharp fences and ComEd and Walgreens guys. All at once. That's good. This is helping this person. They need this. Don't take it personally. Except if it helps to take it personally, then take it personally. But only so personally. Figure that out later. Right now you've got an upset person to focus on. What's upset? A stress response. Sabre-toothed tigers.

Okay so I'm a sabre-toothed tiger, and I'm here to rip their guts out with my ill-informed opinion about [fill in the blank], and my casual attitude towards [fill in the blank], clearly a very important thing in today’s modern world, is indicative of a much larger and disturbing pattern which ALSO includes sharp fences (circumstance), ComEd (power structures), and Walgreens guys (prevailing attitudes) and is even more upsetting. Life can get like an inescapable sabre-toothed tiger pile no matter who you are. So that's them in this. Me in this is I'm an asshole and an idiot and I talk about things like I know what I'm saying even when I don't because I'm afraid people will find out I'm an idiot. I'm too worried about myself. I don't even listen to other people. Okay, yes, that is me. That is what I have done.

I'm not even listening to them while they tell me all this. They’re saying this to me, "you don't listen," and they are right. Even right now, I am not even listening. Instead I am retreating to a safe place inside of myself, because they are also a sabre-toothed tiger, and they are here to humiliate me and feast on my warm idiot innards for their nourishment.

Okay. This is an upset person. Hell, I'm getting upset now, even. No. That's two upset people. Two is worse than one. Zero is best. What this person needs is to be empathized with so they can stop being upset. Step one: Don’t be upset. Do not be upset. Tell them not to be upset. No wait. Opposite of that. Let them win. Apologize. Sincerely and honestly. Cop to being an idiot. This should be easy.

“I’m sorry. Looks like I have a lot to learn about [fill in the blank].”

Okay. They’re getting the last word. Okay. That's fine. Shut up. Okay. Take it. Let them be upset. Okay. That worked. 

That’s over now. Okay.

Assessment: next time, when the subject is [fill in the blank] or even [fill in the blank], what you’re going to do is keep your fucking idiot mouth SHUT, okay idiot? You shut up and listen and out might learn something and maybe that way you won't be an idiot.

Or: you are an idiot. Just be an idiot. That's okay. You would make a lot more friends if you just walked around going “I’m an idiot, a duh DUH DUH,” than when you open your stupid idiot mouth and pretend you know or care about something you do NOT know or care about. 

Side assessment: do not ever openly disagree with Glasses. I have to ask myself if this person is Glasses first, and then if the answer is yes I have to smile and nod until they're gone. Glasses is a bear trap. Glasses is right. You don't listen. You don't listen and you don't use your eye to watch out for bear traps like Glasses. 

Man, the world is so difficult. So many rules to memorize. I feel totally demoralized right now. Oh God. Please please the rest of the night, please nobody ask me for my opinion about anything. Oh God I want to die. Just crawl into a hole and die.

Hey. There it is. That’s what I REALLY think about [fill in the blank].

Trying to talk about [fill in the blank] makes me want to crawl in a hole and die.

That’s my answer for everything from now on. Except loud rock music, sports, and… that’s it. Loud rock music and sports. That’s all I got. Oh and movies. I guess I could talk about movies. And cars. I don’t really give a shit about cars, but I could talk about cars and probably nobody’s gonna get too mad at me. Rock music, sports, movies in a pinch, cars if I have to, the weather, and small talk about dogs. That’s it. That’s all I have to offer the world.

Christ I am drained. Speaking of: I wish I was getting a blowjob. Oh man I love those. Blowjobs blowjobs. Hmmm mmm.

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