Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Definitely Some Sports Happening: The Total Bozo Super Bowl Preview

By: Kelly McClure and Ben Johnson

Bronchawks helmet design by John P. Glynn

I have definitely thought that the Superbowl was happening for the past four or five Sundays. I knew that the Superbowl happened when it was cold, that it happened on a Sunday, and that it happened sometime around now, going off of that, any time I saw more than a handful of sports related Tweets in my Twitter feed the thought “oh yeah, it must be that thing,” popped in my mind. But nope! It wasn’t then, it’s happening now. This Sunday! Right?

The clearest and most accurate Superbowl related memory I have is the random year in high school when my Dad sat in his recliner in the living room watching the Superbowl and my second GF ever, Jeannie, (who is now a man) and I lazed about in my room. My Mom was nice enough to bring us in some hot peach cobbler with scoops of ice cream on it, and the minute she left the room we used it for sex reasons. The peach cobbler was way too hot still at the time of sex reasoning and I still have a burn mark on my lower body. To me the Superbowl has always just meant “snacks” and it still does.

My Co-Bozo Ben has asked me to list off the five W’s of this year’s Superbowl off the top of my head. I definitely had to look up what “five W’s” meant. Listen, it’s been a while.

I’ll check in to verify accuracy from time to time. I can neither confirm or deny peach cobbler burn scars on Kelly’s lower body area. I can neither confirm nor deny that Kelly even has a lower body area. We don’t have that kind of a relationship. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to capitalize both words, “Super Bowl,” but we can go with “Superbowl” for narrative purposes. Other than that, we’re good to go. -Ben


Fairly certain that in this year’s game the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Stormtroopers will be competing against one another. I believe that the Denver team’s outfits revolve around the color yellow, and the Seattle team’s outfits revolve around the color blue. The game will be sponsored by Stumptown and Beyonce will NOT be performing. Since Beyonce won’t be performing, I can’t even imagine who’s doing the halftime show this year. It’s probably like Waka Flocka joined by Bruce Springsteen or something.

I think we’re as close as we need to be on the team names and colors. The halftime show this year is Bruno Mars, with the always possible surprise guest appearances by Waka Flocka and Bruce Springsteen.


Definitely the Superbowl. Which is football.



Definitely this Sunday, and not all the other Sundays I thought it was. I believe the game starts around 3pm and lasts until 11pm.

The game itself supposedly starts at 6:25pm EST. Kelly’s timing of the events is more accurate. The hullabaloo begins… actually it has been happening for over a week now. The commencement and completion of the game itself within the context of all the noise and hype surrounding it is not as definite and there is not as sharp a contrast between game and not game as there is with other football games. Instead the excitement rises to a certain point, and then there is definitely a game happening, and then there’s some confetti, and gradually the hype recedes to a non-Super Bowl level, and that’s how you know the Super Bowl isn’t happening anymore. It’s like a female orgasm.


It seems like this shouldn’t be true, but I do believe the Superbowl is taking place in New Jersey this year, which makes ZERO sense. I’m already worried about how this is for sure going to mess up the trains somehow, which is annoying because we’re going to a thing called Then She Fell on Sunday, which is an interactive Alice in Wonderland experience.

She’s right. The Super Bowl is happening in New Jersey and it makes ZERO sense. My guess is that going outside to go to a weird thing that is not the Super Bowl will be a pleasant experience, since many of the type of people who would usually lend an air of menace to New York’s ambiance will be busy watching the game. But that’s an educated guess. The trains are going to be fucked up, but that’s just because it’s Sunday and because Kelly lives in Brooklyn.


For reasons very similar to those that caused the British Government to feed their young soldiers acid in 1963. Mind control. Also because of commercials. And to allow spies and terrorists a nice block of time to do shady shit while we’re all sitting on the couch watching fat men play grab ass.

I think of it as a kind of seismic-event national celebration of the end of football season, where all the stupid and shitty but also great aspects of football and the production of football as a product get arbitrarily and obligatorily cranked up way past the pain threshold, and the citizenry responds by similarly cranking up their gluttony and sloth and avarice and lust and wrath and pride and envy, and we end up with this big day of ridiculous cartoonish football-esque exaggerations permeating our entire society, so that even the least interested among us end up with peach cobbler burns on their crotches.

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