By:
Pete Johnson
My
friend Mike is having a baby today. I am genuinely excited for Mike, and for
his wife Wendy, who when they first started dating we all called “his fwendy.”
I got a text message from him saying that the baby is on the way at 11:52am
this morning, which if I was in Mike’s immediate family would be just about
perfect timing for “hey look I get to leave work now and go be nervous and excited
about Mike having a baby all day.” Instead, I’m still at work. I’m getting the
occasional exciting text about baby progress, but am otherwise still just
having a pretty shitty day at work. This is all happening because baby
tailgating isn’t a thing. It should be.
I
love Mike, but I’m not really in the small group of people in his sphere who should
be comfortable rushing to the hospital to go be with him during baby time. My
boss doesn’t know that. I’m sure if I had hopped into my boss’ office at 11:53am
this morning all flustered and said “my friend Mike is having a baby! I gotta
run to the hospital!” he would have been totally cool with me taking the rest
of the day off to be genuinely excited about my friend Mike’s first baby. I
also could have said those exact same words and then gone home and farted into
my couch in between getting exciting baby texts instead of having a shitty day
at work in between getting exciting baby texts. But I didn’t do either of those
things.
I
certainly didn’t choose not to do those things because I am dedicated to my
job, or because I don’t like farting into my couch. I would run into my boss’
office all flustered and tell him I had just fucked a chicken if this was a
socially accepted excuse to take the rest of the day off from work and fart
into my couch all day. In such a fantasy world, I would do that EVERY DAY. It
is THAT EASY to lie about having fucked a chicken. Excuses are arbitrary. All a
good excuse needs to exist is for when you say it out loud at the office,
every(boss)y’s response is an immediate “Oh my god! You’ve gotta get out of
here! No, no, I won’t hear it!” It works for deaths or births in the family. It
could just as easily work for chicken fucking. All it would take is a boss of
the correct mindset to honestly think, “You just fucked a chicken, yeah yeah,
say no more, go home and take the rest of the day off while you recover from
that.”
The
thing is, we as a people can decide what things we have that reaction to, and
viola, more days off from work. It might happen slowly, but if enough people
and eventually enough bosses start agreeing, we can make anything a
totally legit excuse from work. It’s been working pretty well for snow
days in Maryland. I submit that it is not every day that a person gets to
meet a new baby that they care about. I also submit that a baby being born is
very special thing, in the sense that bosses are usually pretty cool about it.
In
fact, a baby being born is already a way legit excuse to miss work. The only
reason I'm not at the hospital right now in my own nice little
boss-judgment-free zone is that hospital waiting rooms suck. Bosses know this,
and it explains their forgiving attitude about letting you leave the office
with their blessing. “You’re going someplace more awful than this due to
something that won’t happen often? Be my guest.”
The
thing is, the waiting room is not the only place you can excitedly wait for a
baby to be born.
When
my brother had a baby a while ago, I warned my boss ahead of time that I was
going to drop everything and run to the hospital. I knew I wanted to be there
no matter what, to meet this baby when it was still purple and sticky. I knew
this so early that I had time to think about how much hospital waiting rooms
suck, and even the birth of my first nephew was not enough to have me over the
moon about spending an indecipherable amount of time in one. So we tailgated in
the hospital parking lot.
I
put together a kit ready to go at a moment’s notice, and 25 minutes after I got
the text I was sitting in a comfy chair with a beer, waiting for the grill to
warm up and my nephew to get borned. Family and friends came as quick they
could, we toasted to the future, and 5 hours later I held my nephew for the
first time. It was great, and it should totally be a thing.
If
Mike had a baby tailgate party, I would be have been there at 12:08. I wouldn't
even have tried to lie my boss about it. Not only is my close friend Mike about
to have a baby I am excited about one day teaching how to gamble, but there is
a tailgate in the parking lot, and I get to go because: babies, end of story.
It would work because I’d have a valid case for being there when new little
Mike Jr. is born, and also because even my boss would have to admit it is
pretty genius.
If
baby tailgating became a thing, and I honestly in my bones think it could, you
could leave work and go hang out in a parking lot with your friends every time
someone you are feasibly close enough with has a baby. That would be like
sprinkling in 10-20 extra July fourth holidays, 20-50 if you know a lot of
Catholics, into your life, at random times, and you’d have no idea how long
each one would last. How is this not a thing?
Next
time one of your loved ones has a baby, consider having a tailgate party in the
hospital parking lot to wait for it to be born, and then tell everyone
(especially bosses) how great it was. If not for me, do it for the imaginary
person in the future who might one day take three consecutive days off from
their shitty job because their cousin’s friend’s husband went into labor and it
took forever.
And
also me. Do it for me. I’d much rather be in a parking lot with my friends than
here getting shit from Pam because I just accidentally gave my boss his own
birthday card to sign.
Oh
man! Mike’s baby is here. Never mind, do it for little Brayden Thomas Anderson.
Welcome to the world little buddy. If I can pull it off, someday you’ll get a chance
to write your boss an email that says “I’m out of here for a while, go fuck
yourself” as politely as possible, and you’ll get away with it. I’m all about
boss science and the future.
@johnny11hours (not an active
Twitter user)
