Monday, June 16, 2014

I Didn't Write How NFL Teams Are Like Game of Thrones Houses

By: Ben Johnson

Fake Bears sweater design by Dave Gilley

Dear God what a terrifying 15 minutes that was.

Some internet friends of mine designed a Chicago Bears sweater to say “Winter is Coming,” you know, for yuks, and then somebody else was like “you should do one where the Steelers are the Lannisters” and I was like “no way, the 49ers are the Lannisters,” and then I ALMOST SPENT 4 HOURS WRITING A THING WHERE THE NFL TEAMS ARE LIKE GAME OF THRONES HOUSES.

My brain said “Hey, maybe here’s a thing. I like the NFL and I like Game of Thrones. Man, what if I, like, made those two things into one thing? Would that be fun?” I said, “Sure, brain, whaddya got?” And my brain said, “well the Seahawks are like the Greyjoys, swarming and nautical, capable of…” and I told my brain to go to hell because I do not have time for this. I mean I clearly have time for this, but I would prefer not to have time for this. I would prefer to teach myself Portuguese, or learn about American steel-string guitarist John Fahey, or Google “lamprey disease” and IMMEDIATELY REGRET IT. The internet also has those things, and they are exactly as good and as necessary to me as making the Game of Thrones references about the NFL, but they are maybe less obviously nothing. Game of Thrones NFL team houses are exactly, glaringly nothing.

That was a real close call.

I just checked to see if anybody made the NFL teams into Game of Thrones Houses. They did not yet. That means somebody is going to do that soon. Somebody is probably working on that now. Possibly many somebodies. I hope I can get this thing, about how I almost wrote out the NFL teams as Game of Thrones houses but then decided not to because that would be stupid, done before anybody finishes writing their version of that eventual thing. Maybe I could publish this and then all the people working on a “which NFL teams are like which Game of Thrones houses” thing can, instead of making that thing, instead go “oh shit, I have to scrap this right now, somebody pre-made-fun-of-me for it.”

Like for instance the Ravens are totally the Order of the Night’s Watch, and that is not even up for debate except if you wanted to say that the Raiders are that, in which case you could also make that argument. The Raiders and Ravens both wear black and could maybe be shoehorned into an extended analogy about the order of the Night’s Watch, a fake organization of people from some books and TV shows set in a fantasy world. Man, if I talked about the Raiders and Ravens and Night’s Watch from game of Thrones for a while, and made some jokes about that, I bet people would read that for three or four paragraphs. I would write it and then people would read it. That would be great.

Except no, that would not be great. That would be a giant waste of everybody’s time. Everything is a waste of everybody’s time, and we’re all going to die, and we’re not going to accomplish anything first, and the whole of human existence is a giant pointless swindle. I hate it. At least that’s how I feel when my brain is trying to tell me that the Broncos are like the Tyrells. “They are very pretty and rich, they have a tendency to influence events without claiming supremacy, and they’re always lurking,” says my brain. “Shut up,” says me, to my brain, “your life is ending, slowly, as you speak. Also the Vikings are like the wildlings.”

“Yes,” says my brain, “and the Saints are the Martells.”

“Oh good one, but also: shut up,” I say. “Shut up shut up shut up and leave me alone please. The Bills are House Mormont of Bear Island.”

“No. NO NO NO NO NO. Please.”