By: Ben Johnson
Attention haters: I dressed my small dog up
in a party dress and then I threw her a birthday party, and I did this because
I wanted to, and if you don’t like it, suck my balls. This is my life and I’m
living it.
When I say the word “I,” as in “I dressed my
small dog up in a party dress and then I threw her a birthday party,”
technically I mean, “I live in an apartment where that happened,” but you get
the idea, haters. I mean, technically, all of those things, including even
having a dog in the first place, were really my girlfriend’s idea, haters, but
I love my girlfriend so it’s like they’re my ideas too, I guess.
I definitely
did not spend a whole morning using craft scissors, a lamination machine, stickers, and
magic markers to augment several dog-themed Valentines into birthday party
decorations. My girlfriend did. But if I had done that with my time, you haters
would be barking up the wrong tree by disparaging me for it.
Haters: I’m baller. Hard. I'm a hard baller.
Who was at the party? My girlfriend’s
parents, that’s who. And my girlfriend’s oldest friend, and that oldest
friend’s husband, and their two lovely daughters, aged 4 and 6 (I think). And
my friend Sarah, who is pregnant. And Sarah’s dog because it was a dog-themed
party and because I’m baller. NOBODY THE FUCK ELSE WAS AT THIS PARTY. You mad,
bro? You must not have been invited because we were not sure how much more
chaos than an extra dog and two young girls to safely introduce into our
apartment. We did not even invite Wyclef Jean this time.
Guests at this party were offered a choice of
beer, Mike’s® brand Hard Lemonade, Fanta® brand orange soda, Sprite®, or Coke
Zero®. I cooked hot dogs. I cooked Portobello mushroom burgers. We made chips
AND salsa available. We cleaned our house, including such areas as the bathroom
and the floor. We put many of the things we own in places where they were not
immediately visible. It was off the chain.
Are you familiar with some kind of a movie or
TV show that involves talking dogs dressed as super heroes? This is not a
rhetorical question, haters. I don’t know what it’s called, but there is such a
thing. My girlfriend found it on Neflix® via Roku® box and then put it on our
large-sized 720p HDTV which I bought used from a friend two years ago and I
think is a Samsung®. There was a movie with talking super hero dogs playing on
my TV at this party. It was dog-themed, haters.
Hold on to your barf bags, haters, because
guess what happened at this party. At one point there was a long and interesting
discussion about different pregnancy and birthing experiences which involved
the two mothers in attendance, the one currently pregnant women in attendance,
and respectful yet quietly engaged participation by the men and the non-mothers
who were also present. It was pleasant as fuck.
We bought a dog birthday cake at a dog store,
and when I say “we” did that, haters, of course my girlfriend did that and of
course it probably cost somewhere between nine and twelve dollars, which is a
decision that I agree with implicitly, because I chose my girlfriend and she
chose that. We did not have a candle for my dog to blow out, haters. We used a
battery-powered electric votive, haters. For safety. I roll safety first. Balls
deep.
Then we gave my dog gifts. Then we went to
the living room and put the College World Series on the TV. Then we talked some
more. Then everybody left. Then we all went to bed at 11:30pm, haters. We slept
hard. Except my dog did not sleep hard because she was full of weird treats, so
she woke me up at 3:00am for a walk, which I took her out for while wearing
sweat pants and flip flops, because, haters, I got it like that. Then my dog
wanted to play with her new toys for like 20 minutes, and wanted to sleep in
bed with us because there was a thunderstorm, so she slept where my legs usually
go because haters gonna hate. My girlfriend yelled “no it’s disgusting!” four
inches from my face because she sleep yells sometimes because haters gonna
hate. I did not get a good night’s sleep but I still went to work. Haters gonna
hate.
Haters: I’m doing dope shit on the reg. My
dog had a birthday party and it was dope as fuck. The color pink was involved,
haters. A dog was given a goody bag. Shit was cute, haters. I am swallowing two
Advils right now, haters. Ya’ll haters can hate game all ya’ll want. I’m gonna
check my email now.
