By: Kelly McClure
Somewhere between the 35th and 37th years of my life, something weird happened. My body decided that it didn't want to be cool with eating actual garbage washed down with booze three times a day. My body decided this. I didn't. I would still very much like to eat garbage three times a day and wash it down with booze. But my body is like "How about this? How about your underpants are tight now? Is that cool?" And I'm like "No. No, body. It's not." There was once a time when I could get away with eating a bag of candy for breakfast, a whole pizza for lunch, and then go out drinking that night and cap it all off with two hot dogs. Those times are oooooooovvvvvveeer.
I joined a gym. And in the reality aside from the one where I joined a gym so my underpants wouldn't be tight anymore, I joined a gym because I work from home and will sometimes literally not leave the house for days on end. Not leaving the house for days on end means that you don't really move your body that much for days on end, which results in you feeling like an actual crazy person similar to the guy on Twin Peaks who couldn't leave his house and grew orchids and then hung himself.
I am very proud of myself for joining a gym. I've gone five times now. My plan is to go every other day during the work week. That means three times a week. So far that's what I've done. I went to a different gym last year and then stopped going but paid for it for a full year because paying for it but not going felt more like going than not paying for it AND not going. That's not gonna happen THIS time.
The gym I go to is about a 25 minute walk from my house. I walk to the gym, stay there for a little over an hour, and then walk back. During that time I think about a lot of things. Here are those things:
- Well, here I am. Walking to the gym. Casually. I'm a person who's just outside of their house, casually walking to the gym. Casually. Casually. Casually. Completely normal and casually.
- After a few weeks of this people will see me walking my same route to the gym and think "There goes that casual girl who is so physically fit. There she goes, walking to the gym. Even if it rains. She still goes. God bless her."
- Oh God. This girl is walking next to me on the sidewalk at the exact same pace. I can't quite pass her and if I pretend to stop and check my phone so she'll get further in front of me, I'll just easily catch up to her and be shoulder to shoulder again. Should I cross the street? But it's too sunny over there. Should I run? I'll run past her. Oh. She saw me all of a sudden start running for no reason and thought I was going to murder her. I'd think the same thing probably if a girl in jean shorts and running shoes was walking next to me with a sweaty face and then all of a sudden did a weird hop and started running. What the fuck is wrong with me. What is WRONG with me? I scare strangers!! I'm like a monster!!
- It's so nice to walk past bushes. They smell so fresh.
- I should try out that pizza place some day.
- There is just poop everywhere. Why do people even have dogs if they're not gonna clean up after them? I can't even look down at my phone because if I do I'll step in poop. Stressful.
- I can't wait for Fall. Why can't it always be Fall? I'm so sweaty.
- Oh God. Here comes THIS guy. He's totally gonna say something. DON'T YOU say something! Okay.
- How's anybody supposed to walk through this car wash? I bet a lot of people slip, but I'm not going to. Yeah, keep watching me, guy holding a towel. What if I spit my gum in their tip bucket? Haha. Did I just say that out loud?
- Here we are! Better get out my membership card six minutes early.
- Ooooh. It feels nice in here.
- How long am I gonna have to stand here?
- I hope I don't see anybody I know. What area is this anyway?
- The top row of gym lockers are probably the safest when it comes to bed bugs. They probably can't climb that high on metal. I wonder if they spray shit in here. Maybe I should bring a little thing of bed bug spray.
- If anybody ever said anything through the bathroom door about me changing my clothes in the bathroom and not the locker room I'd just say "I can do what I want!" That would be a funny thing to hear come from the other side of a bathroom door. Haha. Oh great. Now people can hear me laughing in here. They're probably like "What's she laughing about?"
- I'm gonna get on this stair stepper in the back so no one can watch my butt bounce up and down.
- Which TV screen should I look at. I'll look at all of them. I'll look at all of them and pretend I'm in the Matrix.
- My water bottle is leaking. It looks like I've been spitting. If someone ever asks if I spit on the floor I'll spit on the floor.
- I bet everyone is noticing how I'm sweating and obviously doing this right, but that I'm not huffing and puffing. I think chewing gum helps me to not huff and puff because my mouth is already kind of open and air gets in more. I wonder if that's why athletes chew gum all the time. I'm just so naturally good at this.
- I bet people notice that out of all the people in this room, I'm the only one not looking at anyone.
- I can feel my body getting firmer already. After a few more weeks I'm gonna look like Angela Bassett in What's Love Got to Do With It.
- What if my body is making weird noises but I can't hear them because I have earbuds in my ears?
- Everyone else is lifting weights super fast. I'm gonna lift them slow because I know what I'm doing. I bet everyone can tell that I know how to use all of these machines.
- I'm gonna make a salami sandwich when I get home.
- My sweat smells really clean.
- I would NEVER want to use one of these personal trainers. It seems like they touch you.
- I'm sleepy.
- This one thigh machine makes me uncomfortable because it's like I'm basically facing the wall and sticking my vagina out all over the place.
- I think these shoes are too big.