Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Salem: Put a Bug On It

By: Kelly McClure

Summer is here and what that means is that my body is entering one of two seasons where it will not really want to be leaving the house all that much. "Too hot," is the excuse my body will give me. Similar to in Winter where it says "Too cold." Sometimes in Spring my body will come at me with "Too rainy," and then in Autumn it's like "Too beautiful and crisp, I can't take it," but in those instances I'm like "Hey, let's be reasonable here."

I've been watching a lot of TV.

A great number of people like to say things like "I don't even own a television, I just watch all the things I'm embarrassed about on my iPad or on the smooth reflective surface of my bathtub filled with water." Even worse is when people say "Oh yuck, I don't watch TV, TV is for people who don't know how to read and whose parents never taught them about the right kinds of granola to buy." It's strange that so many people talk about hating television, and yet all people really ever write about on the internet, or talk about at bars, is television. Oh, are you all meaning that you just hate television sets but actually love television programming? Maybe I've been misunderstanding. I watch things on my phone sometimes, and my laptop, but I prefer to watch things on an actual television because I can. I mean, I have one. Isn't that funny?

One show that I have not really been reading/hearing too much about, but that I recently watched a million episodes of in 25 minutes is Salem. Most people are writing/talking about Game of Thrones because it's rapey, but Salem is buggy. If Game of Thrones had the tag of "just rape something," Salem's would be "just put a bug on something."

I have never had a harder time eating a sandwich while watching a thing as I have while watching Salem, which is in theory about witches who are mostly gross (except for one) who cause trouble in the woods, barf blood a lot, put bugs on things/make bugs happen, and feed toads from a nipple on their thigh.


The intro to the show kicks off with a song by Marilyn Manson and every time it plays my GF and I do a dance.

The main action of Salem is finding out who's a witch and then killing them. The main problem is that everyone is a witch except for the normy town's folk, and they're just on the show to be killed accidentally or have bugs put on them anyway.

There's a girl on this show who was dirty in bed, like her bed was dirty and SHE was dirty, and people thought she was a witch. Then she had a snake inside of her. Then she took the snake out. And then they put it back in. And now she IS a witch. She is constantly barfing blood. One time she bit her finger off and then pointed it at someone.

The most attractive lady on this show is the main witch. The makers of the show decided to give her character more edge by giving her a nipple on her thigh that she feeds a toad with. I don't know. 

At one point there's a doll that's filled with some hair and a bug that sits on a girl's bed and makes her eyes go black when she looks at it. She looks at it again and she can't breathe. Her Dad comes and takes the doll away. I don't know what happened to it.

There's a goo in the woods that some bloody witches with animal heads were standing around. 

Anyway. That's about it so far. If you want to watch another show that you could write about for the internet, I highly recommend Salem. You can watch it on Hulu Plus. Don't watch it while eating a sandwich though because you will for SURE see a bug.