I’m no basketball expert. I know the basics of playing basketball, like make the ball go through the hoop thing when it’s your team’s turn and stop that from happening when the other guys have it. I’ve watched a lot of other guys play basketball. Some guys are so good at basketball they get paid money to play because enough people saw them be so good at it basketball it was like “man, you are so good at playing basketball, I would pay MONEY to watch you play basketball.” And that’s why there’s such a thing as the NBA basketball league.
Tonight the teams in the NBA basketball league are going to decide who’s good enough at basketball to be on a NBA team that pays people to be good at basketball for a living. It’s called a draft. People sure are talking about it. I sure am talking about it right now, even. Some of the talking people are writing up lists of what they think is going to happen, or what they think should happen, or just things that might conceivably happen, in the NBA draft tonight. Nobody knows what’s going to happen, but it’s fun to talk about it. A list of things that might happen in the NBA draft is called a “mock draft.”
Here is a mock draft I made! The Official Total Bozo Magazine 2014 NBA Mock Draft! I hope you enjoy it.
PICK 1: The Cleveland Cavaliers Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: I don’t know! I’m so excited!
What I would like to happen: I would like it if the Cavaliers would get their acts together and start being a better basketball team. They’ve been not very good at basketball for a long time, in a relative sense, like relative to the other people who are also so good at basketball that people are willing to pay money to see them play it, and also they’ve only been relatively bad since that one good player LeBron James left their team four years ago. Back then people were always talking about “Cleveland Cavaliers Cleveland Cavaliers.” Since then, after four years of being not very good at basketball, they keep on getting more and more chances to pick good basketball players in the NBA draft. Bad teams qualify for a chance to get the first pick in the NBA Draft. This is the third time in the last four years that the Cavaliers have had the top NBA Draft pick. So even though they haven’t had LeBron James on their team for four years, people are still saying “Cleveland Cavaliers Cleveland Cavaliers” all the time for four straight years. That’s too much. They need to stop being so bad at basketball.
PICK 2: The Milwaukee Bucks Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Gosh I have no idea.
What I would like to happen: I like the idea of the Milwaukee Bucks because I live in Chicago and Milwaukee is only like an hour’s drive away from Chicago, and it is cheaper to get tickets to a Milwaukee Bucks game than it is to get tickets to a Chicago Bulls game. But I have never been to a Milwaukee Bucks game anyway. The Milwaukee Bucks are not very good, and also they don’t have a guy on their team that makes people go “no matter what before I die I should see this guy play basketball, like not on TV, like with my own eyes.” I would like it if that happened to them, and I would like it if I could convince anybody to drive up to Milwaukee with me to see the Bucks play. One time I went up there to see a Milwaukee Brewers baseball game, and a man sitting near me in the bleachers barfed into his own hat.
PICK 3: The Philadelphia 76ers Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Some kind of a crazy thing, I guess?
What I would like to happen: The 76ers were bad at basketball on purpose this last year. I like the idea of an NBA team being bad at basketball on purpose. It turns out is a lot easier to be bad at basketball on purpose than it is to be good at basketball on purpose. I can be bad at basketball on purpose. I would like the 76ers to pick ME! I would be terrible!
PICK 4: The Orlando Magic Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: No idea.
What I would like to happen: I don’t like it when team names have weird noun forms. Like when the Orlando Magic select a player, that player is “a Magic.” People should not be referred to as “a Magic” unless there becomes such a thing as a kind of person or thing that is called “a Magic.” Also, the Orlando basketball players collectively are not “Magics,” they’re “the Magic.” A group of people should not be “the Magic” unless they’re the only source of magic in the world. I would like for the Orlando Magic to draft somebody who has actual magic powers, and I would like that person to teach their magic powers to the rest of the team. That way the team’s name would make sense. They could also change their name to The Orlando Magicians or The Orlando Magicalmen.
PICK 5: The Utah Jazz Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Utah Jazz are definitely going to select a basketball player.
What I would like to happen: I like that the Utah Jazz are called “Jazz” and they’re located in Utah and have pictures of mountains on their logo. Even though “Jazz” is a weird noun form for a team name, everything else about it makes so little sense that I don’t even mind. It’s like the team’s existence makes the word “Jazz” mean an extra thing, in this case “a type of music of black American origin characterized by improvisation, syncopation, and usually a regular or forceful rhythm, emerging at the beginning of the 20th century,” AND “NBA basketball teams in Salt Lake City, Utah with mountains in their logos.” I would like for the Utah Jazz to select a jazz musician, and I would like for that jazz musician to play a loud jazz riff on the saxophone anytime a Jazz player makes a dunk shot, because that would make opponents feel as if they’d just been DOUBLE JAZZED.
PICK 6: The Boston Celtics Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Celtics will pick somebody who’s taller than me.
What I would like to happen: Maybe if the Celtics decided “No thank you, we’re just going to take the year off and think about our lives” it would provide some much needed perspective.
PICK 7: The Los Angeles Lakers Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Lakers will select a basketball player whose professional life will somehow be made miserable by Kobe Bryant.
What I would like to happen: Longtime Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant is way too intense about playing basketball. He plays basketball with broken fingers and with a plastic mask on his face. He does all kinds of crazy things to his body to recover from a torn Achilles tendon in order to play basketball again as soon as possible. Kobe Bryant often yells at people on the basketball court for not being as good at basketball as Kobe Bryant. Even though he is very good at basketball, Kobe Bryant seems upset most of the time about basketball. I would like Kobe Bryant to find inner peace and not get so upset about basketball things.
PICK 8: The Sacramento Kings Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: the Sacramento Kings are going to flip a coin and then decide to do something.
What I would like to happen: I would like the Sacramento Kings to allow their 5’9” tall point guard Isaiah Thomas, who is a restricted free agent, to sign a contract to play with a different NBA basketball team, and I would like the Sacramento Kings to draft 5’6” tall point guard Aquille Carr. The Sacramento Kings employ a lot of very smart-seeming guys. I would like for those smart-seeming guys to come to the unanimous conclusion that hiring the shortest possible point guard is the best possible idea, and I would like the Sacramento Kings to listen to this suggestion, and I would like for everybody involved to be totally incorrect about it being a good way to win basketball games. But I also would like for that to not matter, because I would like Aquille Carr to be the most entertaining NBA basketball player in the history of the world even while the Kings lose every game because he’s 5’6” tall and that is not tall enough, come on. If an NBA team could lose every game and have people still want to watch all of the games because the reason the team is losing is they have a 5’6” point guard who dribbles like a maniac but can’t guard anybody, that would be a good basketball thing to do. The Kings should do that. They’re in Sacramento. It would be good for Sacramento tourism.
PICK 9: The Charlotte Hornets Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Hornets are going to make a “splash” by selecting a basketball player!
What I would like to happen: The Hornets used to be the Bobcats. They should select an actual basketball-playing bobcat, or a basketball player named “John Bobcat” or even Bobcat Goldthwait! Then they could be the Hornets AND the Bobcats at the same time, which would ease the name transition.
PICK 10: The Philadelphia 76ers Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: If they still have this pick without having traded it away, the 76ers are going to select a SECOND basketball player even though they already selected one!
What I would like to happen: Since the 76ers are all about being bad on purpose and “compiling assets,” they should trade this pick for four more second round picks, giving them a total of nine picks in the second round of the NBA draft. Then with those second round picks they should draft babies dressed as basketball players who may or may not end up being professional basketball players when they grow up. Here’s the thing: they can pay those babies NOTHING because babies do not understand the concept of money yet. That way those babies would be “assets” to the 76ers because even if the babies didn’t turn out to be basketball players, the 76ers could still trade the “baby rights” to the future basketball careers of any of the nine babies they drafted in the second round, and if they are wise with the picks and employ a good data-based baby-scouting department, the 76ers could end up with an amazing and very cheap basketball team in the year 2038.
PICK 11: The Denver Nuggets Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: the Nuggets will pick somebody who will not help them be good enough to win the NBA Championship next year.
What I would like to happen: It is so sad, but the Nuggets are not going to win the NBA Championship next year. I would like the Denver Nuggets to have the courage to cry in public about how sad they are about this. I would like them to be friends with each other, and hug often, and say things to each other like “It’s okay with me that you don’t really know how to play basketball even though you seem like you’d be very good at it, JaVale, because I have accepted I’m not going to win the NBA Championship this year, and the important thing is I want you to know that I love you and I accept you for who you are.” The Nuggets could turn their whole team identity around if they focused more on teamwide empathy. That way in a few years, very good basketball players would say “I want to play for the Denver Nuggets, those guys seem like they have created a very supportive and nurturing work environment.” Then the Nuggets would GET GOOD.
PICK 12: The Orlando Magic Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Oh by the way I think there will be some trades by now, maybe. Like I think by now everything will be very different than what this list of picks is saying. Maybe.
What I would like to happen: If Orlando used their first pick on a person with magical powers, they should use their second on a hype man for the magical powers person. Like the first magical person would do something magical, like with magic, and the second person would go “Yeahhhh boyyyyyyy” like Flavor Flav. Or: because it is Flavor Flav. One time my girlfriend thought she saw Flavor Flav in a Starbucks. I didn’t even bother to look at the guy she thought might have been Flavor Flav, because the Flavor Flav I prefer to have and hold in my imagination doesn’t go to a Starbucks unless that Starbucks is on the moon (where my imaginary version of Flavor Flav is from originally). My girlfriend got mad at me for not even looking, but I am grown man who makes his own choices, and I cherish my fantasy that Flavor Flav is a wise man from the moon. The Orlando Magic should draft him.
PICK 13: The Minnesota Timberwolves Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Oh man. I do NOT care.
What I would like to happen: “Timberwolves” is a cool name. “Wolves” is like, okay, whatever, you’re basically a bunch of mean opportunistic wild dogs who sleep in a pile together, but “Timberwolves” is like “whoa dude, maybe those wolves can climb trees!” If a wolf could climb a tree, that would be a terrifying animal. You’d be like “Oh no a wolf! WAIT DOUBLE OH NO IT’S A TIMBERWOLF! Where am I going to hide NOW?” Conceptually, a Timberwolf is even scarier than Firewolfs or Knifewolfs or Swimwolfs. Imagine a wolf jumping from tree to tree through a moonlit forest, then jumping on you and biting you in the throat. But the basketball team isn’t really capitalizing on that terrifying imagery. They should draft George R.R. Martin to write a book for them about Timberwolves, and then that way their point guard Ricky Rubio would read that book and understand the lesson of that book, which in his case is “Oh, I get it now, I would be much more terrifying if I could pass the ball AND shoot the ball! It would be, in a basketball sense, like if a wolf could also climb a tree!”
PICK 14: The Phoenix Suns Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Basketball guy.
What I would like to happen: Basketball guy.
PICK 15: The Atlanta Hawks Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: I think the Atlanta Hawks are probably going to do a good job.
What I would like to happen: The stands in Atlanta are notoriously empty for Atlanta Hawks games. I think they should draft a basketball playing dog, so the one bored fan in the stands can go “huh?” and do an elaborate double take where he checks his glasses. And then when it turns out that there’s nothing in the NBA rulebook that says a dog can’t play on an NBA team, the rag tag Atlanta Hawks would, through a series of improbably dog-based victories, become the hottest ticket in town, and one Atlanta Hawks player would eventually learn to believe in himself, win or lose, even though his parents are divorced.
PICK 16: The Chicago Bulls Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Somebody will say “the Bulls need outside shooting.”
What I would like to happen: The Bulls need outside shooting. The Bulls need outside shooting. Outside shooting. Shooting outside. Outdoor shooting. Outdoors, shooting. The Bulls should take a trip to Cabela’s together, and then go camping, and learn about life.
PICK 17: The Boston Celtics Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The other people on the broadcast will reluctantly let Bill Simmons talk when it’s time for the Celtics to do something, because he is the Executive Vice President of ESPN in charge of liking the Celtics.
What I would like to happen: If the Celtics decided to take the year off, like as mentioned above, Bill Simmons would have to spend these 9 minutes saying, “You’re gonna take a year off from being the Celtics? I’m sorry but I don’t get it. I thought they were trying to get Joel Embiid all year, all of a sudden it’s take a year off? This is a perfect example of the kind of bad thing I always imagine is happening to me! I am gaining zero sense of perspective from this!”
PICK 18: The Phoenix Suns Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Basketball guy.
What I would like to happen: Phoenix, Arizona basketball guy.
PICK 19: The Chicago Bulls Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Somebody will say “the Bulls need a backup point guard.”
What I would like to happen: I would like Derrick Rose to play every minute of every game in this upcoming year, and for the Bulls to therefore actually not need a backup point guard.
PICK 20: The Toronto Raptors Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: BOLD PREDICTION: they will draft a human man.
What I would like to happen: For the 2014 Toronto Raptors draft pick to walk up to the stage and shake Adam Silver’s hand and then grab the mic from the podium and yell “I AM A HUMAN MAN.”
PICK 21: The Oklahoma City Thunder Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Oklahoma City Thunder will either pick a guy from a non-American country OR a country that is America.
What I would like to happen: I would like an Oklahoma City Thunder fan to go to the Barclays Center in Brooklyn where the draft is happening and wear a Thor costume with a Kevin Durant jersey over it, and explain “Norse God of Thunder, get it? GO THUNDER!” to people who did not even ask. I would like this person to lack self-awareness to such a degree that he ends up having a great time and making what he imagines are several lifelong friends. I would also like to see pictures of this person posing next to various New York City tourist attractions while wearing a Thor costume and an insane grin. I would like for this person to be a bankruptcy attorney whose wife owns a successful closet-arrangement business in the greater Oklahoma City area. I would like for him to have a good life. I would like for that to be his real hair.
PICK 22: The Memphis Grizzlies Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: the Grizzlies are going to draft some kind of brutally efficient workmanlike basketball player who can’t run or jump because they are the Grizzlies.
What I would like to happen: I would like for the Grizzlies to draft Kyle Anderson out of UCLA because he is a brutally efficient workmanlike basketball player who can’t run or jump. That would be very Grizzlieslike and would fill me with the satisfaction of having made an accurate prediction.
PICK 23: The Utah Jazz Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Nobody will say “Jeez Louise Man, they’re still picking basketball guys!”
What I would like to happen: I would like for somebody, possibly a voice from the control room, or Jalen Rose unaware his mic has been brought up as the draft broadcast comes in out of a commercial break, to say “Jeez Louise Man, they’re still picking basketball guys!” and prove me WRONG about my above prediction. Then, immediately following that, I would like for the first Jazz pick, the jazz saxophonist, to show up in my living room and Careless Whisper prank me.
PICK 24: The Charlotte Hornets Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: On the off chance that there is not a single trade which affects the pick order of the first round of the NBA Draft, I would like to predict that here so I have my bases covered. I predict there will be no trades and the draft will move in exact lockstep with the draft order as delineated by this and all other mock drafts.
What I would like to happen: I would like for there to be so many trades that the NBA ends up not even being a recognizable entity anymore. Like a few draft picks could get traded back and forth from team to team, and then, blockbuster, the league could trade basketball for tennis and two handballs (team handball and regular handball), then flip the lesser of the two handballs for the rights to Earth’s gravity, trade down for Mars’s gravity and the concept of wistfulness, and sign fish tacos off the waiver wire to be the face of the franchise for the expansion Knoxville Sugar Helmets, who play an uptempo west coast offense with leaping ability.
PICK 25: The Houston Rockets Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Rockets will draft responsibly.
What I would like to happen: I would like for the Rockets to draft a fifteen inch tall basketball player who Dwight Howard could fling towards the basket if it looks like a shot is going to miss. That would be the ultimate advantage.
PICK 26: The Miami Heat Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: I think the Heat are going to be different next year than they were this year.
What I would like to happen: I would like for the Heat to be the exact same as they were this last year, except LeBron James starts smoking cigarettes on the court and is still just as good. That would be the most incredible basketball accomplishment of all time! From then on whenever a player was incredible, people would say “Yeah, he’s great, but did he smoke cigarettes like LeBron?” I bet if LeBron insisted he’d only come back to play on the Miami Heat if they let him smoke cigarettes while playing, they would find a way to let him smoke cigarettes. That would be CRAZY.
PICK 27: The Phoenix Suns Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Basketball guy. Phoenix, Arizona basketball guy.
What I would like to happen: If the Suns picked a guy named “Basketball Guy” and Adam Silver said, “with the 27th pick in the 2014 NBA Draft the Phoenix Suns select… Basketball… Guy.” And then Jay Bilas said something like “Basketball Guy has outstanding length for his position…”
PICK 28: The Los Angeles Clippers Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The LA Clippers will pick somebody.
What I would like to happen: I would like it if the Clipper selected Donald Sterling’s mistress to show the world that Sterlinggate was an inside job just like Benghazi and World War II. In such a scenario, I would be an unreliable narrator used for satirical purposes.
PICK 29: The Oklahoma City Thunder Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Thunder will select somebody who’s better than other people at basketball.
What I would like to happen: I would like it if Stu Scott interviewed Thor guy about this draft pick and then Thor guy used the time to earnestly tell Stu Scott that he knows he’s battling and that he’s rooting for Stu Scott, and that Stu Scott’s battle has been an inspiration. Then he shook Stu Scott’s hand and the two men hugged and said “thank you” to each other while holding back tears. That would be a great moment. I am not being ironic, I would actually like to see that happen.
PICK 30: The San Antonio Spurs Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: the Spurs will draft a nice man.
What I would like to happen: I would like the entire Spurs team show up to the draft to meet their newest player, and I would like for them to all be excited together about still being the Spurs. I would like for all the Spurs to sleep together in one great big long bed like a cartoon of the seven dwarfs, and when it’s time to go to sleep Coach Pop closes up the storybook, kisses Tim Duncan on the forehead and says “goodnight Tim,” and Tim Duncan says “goodnight Coach Pop” and then turns and says “goodnight Tony,” and on down the line “goodnight Manu,” and “goodnight Kawhi” and “goodnight Boris” and “goodnight Tiago” “goodnight Danny” “goodnight Patty” “g’night Marco” “goodnight Matt”… FOREVER.
What I think is going to happen: A bunch more basketball players will be selected.
What I would like to happen: The 76ers trade their nine player baby rights to the Sacramento Kings for Aquille Carr in a baby costume.
AND THAT’S EXACTLY EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TONIGHT.