Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Balls Occasionally Vol. Four: Your Beard and What it Says About You as a Sexer

By: Kelly McClure

The air is beginning to have a nip in it, and what perfect time than now, and the diving off point of said nip, to begin growing hair on your face? Having hair on your face - either your upper lip, chin, chin AND neck, combo of upper lip - chin - neck - and sides of face, does so much more than just keep your face (and neck down into the chest region) warm, it protects your skin from getting infected by food debris, and also confirms/re-enforces you as a heterosexual vagina ONLY loving male. But what does your beard say about you as a lover? Let's take a look at a few and find out:

A view that is widely thought and shared among women is that the skinnier a man is in frame, the more sizeable his cockadoodle is. It's also widely known and shared that a common grooming practice for men is that of shaving their pubes to make their member seem larger. How can these things be tied in and related to beards? We don't know. 
The beard that this young coal miner above is sporting tells the world that his penis is a hard worker, and smells very bad at the end of the day. He may need a lamp to find what he's looking for in the bedroom, but he'll be damned if he'll accept his daily wages until he finds it.

Matching a beard to your eyebrows and your hair, in perfect color and texture harmony, shows a lady that you like everything to be the same. Keeping things the same with your clothing and facial hair choices is nice, but it's better to add in some variety when it comes to making sweet love on wednesday night at 6:45PM, after you've washed your hands.

Crafting the lower part of your face to look exactly like a vagina is smart. This subconsciously gets the message out there to the ladies that you know what a vagina looks like, and you know that you want one. Or rather, you know that you want to get one. Shit. You know what we mean.

Take notice of the differences found in the faces of the two men in this picture. The guy in front has a beard. The guy in back does not. The guy in front is in front, and has a beard. The guy in back is in back, and does not have a beard. Notice that the guy with the beard is smiling, and the guy without the beard is like "I wish I knew what sex felt like."
Sometimes it's common for men who are a tad overweight/fully overweight to grow beards, but you know what they say ... the fatter the face, the fatter the peener.

As always, email with questions, suggestions, or concerns.