Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Balls Occasionally Vol. Two: How to Deal with the Irrational Women in Your Life

By: Kelly McClure

Women are great. I think that's something we can all agree on, right? They smell good, they're always laughing about something, and they're a lot of fun to take places ... provided they're in a good mood! 

While the majority of the time adding a woman into the equation of any event or plan increases the fun potential (I mean, who DOESN'T like the unspoken promise of sex at the end of lunch/dinner/drinks/a movie/work?) I'm sure you can all pull from your collective memory bank a time in which what should have been loads of fun was turned into loads of shit by some yapping nag on the rag. Am I right, fellas?? Well fret not because into every life a little bitch must fall, but there are ways of coping with the difficult (translate: crazy insane) women in your life. During the most stressful of times I'm sure your first instinct is to throw your hands up, shrug, and think something along the lines of "can't live with 'em, can't chop them up and put them in the freezer," but learning how to successfully add some more time onto the ticking time bomb clock that is your lover/wife/girlfriend will only benefit YOU in the end. After all, all those D's aint gonna S themselves! 

There's really no rhyme or reason to the variety of freak outs and melt downs that a woman can, and probably will have while you're trying to enjoy time with her, and the "episodes" are often very hard to predict. With a little bit of pre-planning though, you'll be well equipped to de-fuse, dismantle, dodge, and duck any of her antics with minimal effort - saving the day or evening's plans for the both of you. Sometimes women just don't know what's best for them, and have no way of realizing that they're fucking everything up. That's just one of the many things they need you for. Throughout the next few weeks, take into consideration the following sample scenarios and their corresponding response configurations. These will help you build the much needed life tools required to maintain the sanctity of your leisure time, and better understand that it's not so much important to figure out what's upsetting your woman, and how to soothe her, but to avoid uncomfortable situations as a whole because, really, only god will ever truly understand what these vaginas are talking about.

Sample scenario #1
It's a Tuesday night and you decide to take your woman out for drinks at your favorite bar after work. You've been working so hard, and you're really in the mood to unwind with a beer while sitting across from each other and enjoying some non-confrontational convo. Mid-way into your second beer, she starts asking you questions about a random sample of your ex-girlfriends. Personal questions, like which of them had the pinkest nipples, and which of them let you do "you know what." A warm wave of familiar confusion washes over you, which then leads to panic and maybe anger. Why is she doing this? You're just trying to drink a beer and watch her drink a beer. What goes on in her brain? Why is she so clearly trying to ruin your life? You should go. You should just go. Just get up and start wildly running towards the street. 
Stop right there. 
Before you go off the handle, just keep in mind that the person you're enjoying your beer with IS actually insane. And there is no reasoning with insane people, that's one of the main things that comes with being insane. Don't engage with her behavior when she does this. Don't answer her questions. For some reason women like to feel emotional pain and look for any way to bring it on themselves. They do this mostly by asking questions. The best thing to do in these situations is nothing. Fix a look of baffled pity on your face and wait till you can go to bed. Tomorrow's another day!

Sample scenario #2
Your woman has been sick for a few days with the flu. She thinks she may have caught something from one of the women in her poetry weaving ceramics therapy class. She decided to take a few days off of work so she can make a strong attempt at getting better. While you're at work, you're enjoying the peace and quiet of not having to take care of her, but that clock above your head is clicking up to 5PM faster than you'd like. You want more than anything to go home and fall into your comfortable routine of farting on the couch while watching the Cosby show and eating dry cereal out of the box, but she's gonna be there, and she's gonna need something. As you put your key in the front door, you take a deep breath and prepare for the worst, and of course, the worst happens. The minute you're inside she asks if you remembered to bring home NyQuil. You DID remember, so fuck you. You hand her the bag from Walgreens that you had tucked away in your sporty backback, and she opens it, looks inside, and her lip starts to quiver. Her lip starts to quiver, her nose gets red, and a squeak starts to come out of her mouth. Here it comes. She starts to yell, while also crying, because you got her the store brand cold medicine, and not the actual name brand NyQuil. She accuses you of not loving her, or at least not loving her like SHE loves YOU, because she would have made sure to get you the best. You get frustrated and consider telling her to go be sick in the bus station while waiting for a bus to the insane asylum.  You consider taking the cap off of the cold medicine you purchased, and then handing the bottle back to her and asking her to please douche with it.
Stop right there. 
Consider for a moment that she probably has a fever, which is making it even more difficult to think clearly than it usually is. She can't be blamed. There are two easy solutions to a problem like this. The first solution is to admit that you clearly haven't been loving her well enough, which was made clear by your purchase of off brand goods. Tell her that to remedy this you'll go immediately back to Walgreens and buy a whole list of top notch items to make her feel better. Then leave and go to the bar, or "the bar." The second solution is to run to the bathroom and induce vomiting. When she comes in to ask if you're okay, and if you need anything, yell at her and tell her that she got you sick, which sucks because you have a totally busy work week ahead of you. She'll feel so bad that she'll forget what she was yelling about in the first place.

Sample scenario #3
You have been working like a dog and looking so forward to the long weekend coming up so you can just relax and catch up on Youtube clips and blog posts. Maybe order in a pizza and not shower for a few days. Before leaving work you call your woman and ask if she can stay at a friend's apartment for a few days so you can have some "you" time. You say that if she could please be gone by the time you get home, you'd really love her for it. Seems simple and normal enough? Right? Who doesn't need some alone time to recharge every now and then? Well, apparently, and this should really be no surprise to you at this point, even something as small as this is too much for your irrational woman to handle. No sooner does your request leave your lips and enter her poofy hairdo does she start crying hysterically and asking you if you're trying to break up with her, or if you've fallen out of love with her. You try to make light of the situation by reminding her of the time last week when she accused you of falling out of love with her because you didn't wait for her outside of the ladies bathroom while you were at the movie theater. This was a mistake. She does not think this is funny. You begin wondering if you should act like everything is fine, and then change the locks on your apartment while she's at the farmer's market on Saturday, or better yet, just slowly start packing your things and shipping them to a new apartment that you signed a lease for while she was having a bath one afternoon.
Stop right there.
It's important to always remember that women aren't like you. While you primarily favor an idea when it's YOUR idea, and not someone else's. Women tend to favor ideas that You have for Them. Make up some story about how she told you once that if you give her oral sex she'd let you have the apartment to yourself for a whole weekend. Tell her that that weekend is now, and that if she's not going to make good with her bets, you just won't ever give her oral pleasure again. Trust that you'll have the apartment to yourself that weekend. Women love a man's tongue on their hoo hoo's, and they have moldable memories.

So there. I hope this was helpful. Women ARE crazy, and although the crazy can't always be avoided, or understood, it can be endured. Moral of the story: WHO CARES?

As always, questions, comments, and suggestions can be directed to