Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Balls Occasionally Vol. Eight: 12 Grooming Rules for the Office all Men Should Know

By: Kelly McClure

A few months ago a friend of mine was talking to me about her boyfriend. I don't know how we got on this particular subject, but we were talking about butt hair, and whether or not men have a lot of it. I told her the story I have told about one hundred times in my life, and will continue to tell until the day I die, about the girl I slept with in Chicago many years ago who had so much hair in her butt that when she was on her stomach, it poked past her butt cheeks like a butt hair hamburger. While telling this story to my friend, I was curious as to how much butt hair a man had in his butt, on average. Like what's the standard when it comes to male butt hair? This is what we were talking about.

She told me, with a grave "this is just how it is" expression on her face, that her boyfriend has so much hair in his butt that he cannot possibly get all the poop out of it after he's had a movement. She expressed that it seemed as though he put forth his best attempt at clearing his own body hair of his own feces, but was never quite able to. Because of this, she was forced to wash their sheets every day because he consistently left very large, visible poop smears on them. And it's, of course, for this reason that Huffington Post recently published a post called "12 Grooming Rules for the Office all WOMEN should know."

Looking at this list, I'm wondering if these same rules could be applied to men in the office. Seeing as though the office is the God given home of the man, I'm betting that they can. Let's try.

1) Cover Those Under Eye Circles.
Heaven forbid a man show up at the office on Wednesday morning looking like he hasn't slept in 48 hours due to chronic, stomach clenching anxiety over figuring out how to make enough money to pay the rent, while also being able to eat, and find (and keep) someone to love him and put up with his daily bullshit and low energy levels because he works too much. Under eye circles are a sign of weakness, or a sign of working sex parties on the side to pay for your kid's text books. Whore. Go to the drug store on your lunch break or at 5AM before work and buy some concealer and fix yourself. Your face is the rising sun of this office, sir, and if it's not shining, then it's worthless.

2) Make sure your skin tone is even, i.e. grab that foundation.
The last thing your co-workers need is to be distracted from their tasks by having a face that is anything less than flawless placed in their line of sight. Having uneven skin tone tells the people around you that you clearly did not go to college, and are not at all qualified to do a thing or make a thing.

3) Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!
What if while leaning down to deliver your department's monthly fiscal report to your boss his elbow accidentally brushes against your cheek and he recoils from the roughness of your flesh in horror? Is that the impression you want to make upon your superiors?

4) Mascara is a must.
If it's good enough for Gosling, it's good enough for you, Chad.

5) Add some lip color.
Nature itself has shown us that adding color to something draws attention to where it's needed. Your primary tools at the office are your two flapping lips, so adding a little tinted gloss to them throughout the day will help to keep all eyes on your mouth while important words flow out of it all day long.

6) Electric blue eyeshadow is a no-no.
This is a given, and all business men know it to be true. Well, unless it's Halloween, or "sexy Saturday."

7) No falsies. Ever.
A lot of men are missing a testicle. Either from a birth defect, or a medical mishap, or cancer. It's no big deal. Your co-workers shouldn't be looking at your groin region anyway, and if you catch one of them doing so, you need to say something. One word about this to your boss and the offending party will SURELY be sternly dealt with.

8) Keep your nails short, clean and neutral-colored.
It's a widely known fact that ladies look at a man's nails to determine what color his penis is.

9) Go easy on the perfume.
Try to smell as much like a pine tree, waterfall, saddle, or musk gland as possible - but don't overdo it. Some people have sinus problems, or migraine issues, and you don't ever want to give someone the opportunity to say something even remotely negative to you.

10) Step away from the self-tanner.
It's just gonna rub off on the collar of your work shirts and weekend polos, and if you're currently single, who's gonna scrub that off for you? Just use your vacation time and get a REAL tan. Maybe you'll meet someone at a tiki bar and fall madly in love.

11) Shave your legs.
Everyone knows that body hair is disgusting. Why stop just at the legs? Why not also shave your excess eyebrow hair, nose hair, ear hair, armpit hair, ball(s) hair, butt hair, back hair, and chest hair? 2013 = no hair, anywhere.

12) Cover up any skin issues that might make you self-conscious.
A helpful trick when getting ready for the day is to stand in front of a full-length mirror, spin around with your eyes closed, and when you open your eyes, put a bandaid on the first thing you see and then apply a layer of spackle over the bandaid.