By: Ben Seeder
Hey. Isn’t it time you got involved with the
right bank? Isn’t it time you looked at your assets and then your wife and then
your self in the mirror and then your wife again and said “Now is the time!”?
Don’t you think it’s time to stop being such a pathetic loser and known clown?
We here at Chase Bank understand you work
hard for your money and have a choice in who eats your soul. That’s why we take
pride in devouring the souls of millions of young people just like yourself
looking to establish financial security in this uncertain economic climate all
across the world every single day. Isn’t it time to let your bank finally start
working for you?
Well, we’ve listened to you, and we’re here
to say the future is now. The two headed dogs, certified goblins and convicted
felons at Chase have now devised a way for your bank account to serve you even
better. We now offer an exciting new service where we’ll text you after
literally every purchase made with your Chase Rewards Debit card.
You know that $24 you just spent on bourbon?
Or that $80 you spent on Melvins posters off the internet because you’re a fucking
ignoramus? Chase knows all about it and not only are we not mad, we’re more
than happy to text you with your new account balance right after it happens. We
have no problems interrupting your Sunday to let you know how much actual money
you now currently possess to your name.
Or perhaps you’d like an account to remind
you of how anticlimactic your weekend was? Or how that one girl was totally
insane and a complete waste of time? Or how you live in a prison of your own
mind? Well, let’s just say we’re working on it. Chase is even happy to take
time out of its busy schedule to contact your parents ahead of time to request more
money. It really wouldn’t be a big deal at all, and besides, it’s what we do!
You’re certainly free to consider keeping
your money in another bank, as you seem like the kind of individual who enjoys
outrageous ATM fees and vast stretches of wilderness between bank locations. So
really, by all means, choose what is best for you as a person. We wouldn’t have
it any other way. The last thing Chase is interested in is stripping you of your
individuality before we so flippantly consume your soul, which, when you think
about it, is really more of a “when” then an “if”, don’t you think? Why must
you insist on prolonging this laughable game of cat and mouse? Well, whatever
you say.
In the dead of night while all God fearing
people sleep soundly in their beds, we here at Chase eat entire chickens and
review your account to determine that it will be in everyone’s best interest if
we apply further fees and penalties you could never understand and will find
impossible to escape based on your prior history of overdrawn accounts, complete
lack of confidence and general tom foolery. After all... it’s you, you’re an
asshole and not to be trusted.
But we’re getting off course. Some of you out
there may occasionally say things to yourself or others like “Wait a second, it
feels like my bank is robbing me!”. Well, while you’re busy calling us
bastards, consider this, it costs Chase $350 a year simply for you to even have
the checking account you abuse so negligently. Are you aware of this? It’s
true. Ask around. Chase thinks that’s something you should consider more often.
Don’t fall all over yourself thanking us or anything, we’re happy to provide
it.
We here at Chase would like to remind you
that we are the United States and the rest of you are just visiting. You see, at
Chase we’re fueled by the mass gobbling of souls, without which we would simply
implode and melt not entirely unlike the Wicked Witch of the West, but messier
and far more disturbing. It’s a good thing we’re geniuses at it and love doing
it.
We would like to take this opportunity to
thank you again for your consideration, and let you know that we sincerely look
forward to devouring your soul.
Chase proudly supports Duke basketball.
