By: Ben Seeder
Hey. Isn’t it time you got involved with the right bank? Isn’t it time you looked at your assets and then your wife and then your self in the mirror and then your wife again and said “Now is the time!”? Don’t you think it’s time to stop being such a pathetic loser and known clown?
We here at Chase Bank understand you work hard for your money and have a choice in who eats your soul. That’s why we take pride in devouring the souls of millions of young people just like yourself looking to establish financial security in this uncertain economic climate all across the world every single day. Isn’t it time to let your bank finally start working for you?
Well, we’ve listened to you, and we’re here to say the future is now. The two headed dogs, certified goblins and convicted felons at Chase have now devised a way for your bank account to serve you even better. We now offer an exciting new service where we’ll text you after literally every purchase made with your Chase Rewards Debit card.
You know that $24 you just spent on bourbon? Or that $80 you spent on Melvins posters off the internet because you’re a fucking ignoramus? Chase knows all about it and not only are we not mad, we’re more than happy to text you with your new account balance right after it happens. We have no problems interrupting your Sunday to let you know how much actual money you now currently possess to your name.
Or perhaps you’d like an account to remind you of how anticlimactic your weekend was? Or how that one girl was totally insane and a complete waste of time? Or how you live in a prison of your own mind? Well, let’s just say we’re working on it. Chase is even happy to take time out of its busy schedule to contact your parents ahead of time to request more money. It really wouldn’t be a big deal at all, and besides, it’s what we do!
You’re certainly free to consider keeping your money in another bank, as you seem like the kind of individual who enjoys outrageous ATM fees and vast stretches of wilderness between bank locations. So really, by all means, choose what is best for you as a person. We wouldn’t have it any other way. The last thing Chase is interested in is stripping you of your individuality before we so flippantly consume your soul, which, when you think about it, is really more of a “when” then an “if”, don’t you think? Why must you insist on prolonging this laughable game of cat and mouse? Well, whatever you say.
In the dead of night while all God fearing people sleep soundly in their beds, we here at Chase eat entire chickens and review your account to determine that it will be in everyone’s best interest if we apply further fees and penalties you could never understand and will find impossible to escape based on your prior history of overdrawn accounts, complete lack of confidence and general tom foolery. After all... it’s you, you’re an asshole and not to be trusted.
But we’re getting off course. Some of you out there may occasionally say things to yourself or others like “Wait a second, it feels like my bank is robbing me!”. Well, while you’re busy calling us bastards, consider this, it costs Chase $350 a year simply for you to even have the checking account you abuse so negligently. Are you aware of this? It’s true. Ask around. Chase thinks that’s something you should consider more often. Don’t fall all over yourself thanking us or anything, we’re happy to provide it.
We here at Chase would like to remind you that we are the United States and the rest of you are just visiting. You see, at Chase we’re fueled by the mass gobbling of souls, without which we would simply implode and melt not entirely unlike the Wicked Witch of the West, but messier and far more disturbing. It’s a good thing we’re geniuses at it and love doing it.
We would like to take this opportunity to thank you again for your consideration, and let you know that we sincerely look forward to devouring your soul.
Chase proudly supports Duke basketball.