Have you noticed that
conservatives are telling people that “dogs are next” a lot recently?
It first started with the recent gay
marriage arguments over the DOMA case in the Supreme Court. You’ve heard these
wackos. To paraphrase: “You can’t let gays marry! What’s next, a man and two
women, or a man and a dog? DOGS ARE NEXT!!! Don’t let two dudes get married, because if you don’t
stop it now and put your foot down, people are going to do the same thing to
DOGS!!!! Where do you draw the line? BEFORE OR AFTER DOGS?”
At the time this was okay whatever, you guys
are bonkers. If a bunch of dogs somehow became sentient and were able to make
strong legal arguments for their right to marry under the guidelines set forth
in the U.S. Constitution, I’d say let them go ahead and marry anydog they
wanted. Is where you draw the line. If
instead of making strong legal arguments or, you know, utilizing
language and cognition, you just sit around licking your own balls all day,
then you… wait a minute.
Hold on.
According to a thing I read in the Washington Post today, human hemorrhoid Rush Limbaugh talked about the Washington Redskins
football team on his radio show. I mention this to assue everybody that I would never listen to it. I just read a second-hand report about it.
Even that is usually too much credit to give to Rush Limbaugh, but I can make
an exception when he talks about my favorite football team.
As you might have guessed immediately upon
seeing it even if you’re from another planet, the nickname “Redskins,” meant to
refer to American Indians, is offensive. Pressure has been mounting recently,
duh, for the team to change its name, duh, and pressure will continue until the
name is changed because that’s how it works with good ideas. Team owner Dan
Snyder (he’s another one) wants to keep it, and Rush Limbaugh agrees.
Here’s what Rush Limbaugh said:
“And then the people who oppose it might
posit an argument, ‘Well, you know, if you do that, where are you gonna stop?
Are you gonna start saying you can’t name teams after animals next? Where is it
gonna stop?’”
Okay, that’s a rhetorical trick he used where
he didn’t say it, he said other people MIGHT say it. And then to fully
contextualize the rest of what he said for some reason, he went on to say
something else about how the government is deciding what’s right and what’s
wrong, and how that’s dangerous or something. It doesn’t matter what he said or
the point he was trying to make (I thought the idea of the U.S. Government was that
it’s of the people by the people and for the people, and they, you know, decide
things based on what the rest of us think because we’re the ones that make it,
or something). What matters, to me and to what I’m saying right now, is that he
introduced the “dogs are next” argument to this issue.
This is fucking weird, right, you guys?
Anytime a conservative wants to take a stand on an issue they are very clearly
wrong about, they say, “Well, where do you draw the line?” And then they ask, “What’s
next? DOGS?”
It’s telling, not because it holds any water
at all, but because THEY THOUGHT OF IT. Gays are like, “We want to get married
because we’re people too!” And then conservatives are like, “Oh that reminds
me. This is funny. What if a DOG demanded the same rights as you guys are
currently demanding? We think this thought somehow illustrates how ridiculous
you are currently acting.”
Native Americans are like “come on, you
killed all of us and took our land illegally and THAT’S WHAT THIS COUNTRY IS,
could you maybe also not call your billion dollar football teams the single most
dismissive racial epithet you invented for us?” And the Rush Limbaugh response
is, roughly, “I just had a whimsical thought about how somebody anywhere MIGHT
make the argument that you also shouldn’t name your sports team after a particular
DOG, ha ha ha, but seriously.”
Anyhow, if you are a gay, a woman, a minority
(Hispanic or black or, like, anything but a white dude in a suit who listens to
Journey) just know that a large and vocal enough block of political thought for
you to have heard of multiple times in a month thinks of dogs whenever they
think of you. By their own admission and invention. You, and all the human
rights you might ever aspire to, remind them of dogs. Ha ha ha. Look at that talking dog on the
YouTube, he said “I love you,” isn’t that the damndest thing you ever saw. You
know, dogs.
Well guess what, fuckheads. DOGS ARE NEXT. We’re
all just waiting for the baby boomers to die off and then it’s DOGTOWN, USA.
