Tuesday, July 2, 2013

My Phone and I Read My Palm This Afternoon.

The funny thing about writing a thing, is that it's kind of like being possessed by the devil. Some days I will know that I have to write a thing, and that it needs to be on a specific topic, and that's okay. That's usually exactly what happens. But then other days, I will sleep till 3PM (this has never happened my entire life) wash my face with the glow of the moon, soak my feet in a tub of blood, lean back, open my mouth while gently placing my finger tips on my keyboard, and words will flow out in a tippy tap.

Today I didn't know what to write about, but I knew I wanted to write a thing, so I sat in my desk chair and interviewed myself asking: 
- What am I mad about?
- Who has troubled me in some way recently?
- Does anything stink or make a weird noise?

That didn't lead to any sort of inspiration, like it usually does, so I went to plan B - the internet. Sometimes when I am at a loss for what to think about, I will find out what other people are thinking about, and then make fun of it. Today yielded fruit of a different sort though, when I read a tweet on Twitter that my friend Malwina wrote about a free Palm Reading app that she downloaded on her iPhone. 

"This is it. This is what I'm gonna write about," I said.

Okay. I'm gonna download this app now. It's called Palm Reading Free and is made by Internet Design Zone. I bet Internet Design Zone is 15-years old and has a constant, cheese smelling erection. Luckily I'm able to successfully download this app because I just paid my cell phone bill yesterday, otherwise, I'd have to keep searching for something to write about. Okay, it's downloading. I'm gonna go get a beer out of the fridge and wash my yogurt bowl. Be right back. 

Okay. It's downloaded. Let's load it up.

Upon loading the app, it asked if it was okay for the app to use my location, and I said yes. Then it asked me if I wanted to hear Muse's HOT SINGLE NOW, in all caps, just like that. I said no.

This app allows you to choose between a Heart Line Reading, Life Line Reading, Head Line Reading, and Marriage Line Reading. Let's do them all.

Heart Line Reading: It's asking me to look at this line in my hand that tells me something about my love life future, and match it up to pictures of lines on hands to see which looks the closet. Mine doesn't really look like any of the examples, but I'm gonna choose one that seems right in my gut and go with it. Okay, I picked one. It's telling me that I have a lucky love life, that I'm emotional, and that I'll have an inconsistent love life filled with casual flirtations here and there, and that I'm likely to be cold and less passionate, and that my head rules my heart. VERDICT: None of this is true.

Life Line Reading: Again, picking the line on the picture that looks most like the line on my hand. It's telling me that I am likely to lead a happy and healthy life. That I'm passionate and romantic. That I am ambitious. That I have strong will power, and that my body will show resistance in times of ill health. VERDICT: This is very vague, but at least it doesn't say that I'm going to get eaten by a snake. 

Head Line Reading: I have a dual-mentality. I am capable of doing a large amount of mental work. I am a very sensitive and cautious person. I will have great wealth and great power.

Marriage Line Reading: Could not locate. Don't think I have one?

Well. That was pointless.