Wednesday, August 21, 2013

An Intro to Balls Occasionally - A Total Bozo Mini Mag for Men, Written by One Woman

By: Kelly McClure

Do you remember when there were magazines? Like, lots of them? There were magazines, print ones, catering to almost every single thing you could think of. Interested in in-home elderly care equipment? There was probably a magazine for that. Looking to learn more about grooming tips for long-haired cats, specifically? There were several magazines just for you. Just for your knowledge. So much knowledge. Specific knowledge. On everything. And nothing. Why, you could visit any local Barnes and Noble, and spend a whole $100 gift card on a stack of magazines that would open your mind to a whole new world of facts, provided by a team or staff of well qualified, educated, seasoned experts. 

Branching off from our walk down magazine lane, do you remember when magazines would sometimes do a thing where they would include "mini issues" within their current issue? Sassy Magazine did this to introduce their spin-off men's mag, Dirt, and a variety of others would do it when they wanted to highlight a specific topic, seasonal stand-out, or attempt to cater to a whole new audience while also sticking to their own. 

Now, naturally, everything is on-line. Sure, there are magazines that still exist in print, and they usually fall into two categories: 1) Magazines that are awesome and very nearly going flat broke because everyone in this world that we all live in together sucks and doesn't know what's good from what fell out of their butt. 2) Magazines that exist purely for the purpose of selling ads, with intern, or junior staffer pieces thrown in for padding. 

On-line magazines fall into a multitude of categories: 1) Lists. 2) Quickly written, poorly edited blurbs intended to outrage people so that they will be shared and commented on. 3) Carefully crafted, highly entertaining, fresh and innovative collections of writing that no one reads, anywhere. 4) Things written about women, or for women, by men, because they know best, and women are just meant to be here for sex and to smell good, quietly.

In honor of this, all of this, Total Bozo is launching its own mini mag, Balls Occasionally, that can be found right here every Wednesday. Balls Occasionally is a female edited mag, for men who have balls - sometimes. The first volume will appear next week, on Wednesday the 28th, and will cover, "how to be brave." Future issues will cover such topics as:

- Hygiene
- Bathroom practices
- Proper social etiquette
- Dating and doing sex
- Motivation and ambition
- Dickishness and douche baggery

Any questions, submissions, or suggestions for future issues or topics you'd like to see addressed can be sent to 

Occasionally ...