Friday, April 26, 2013

Carrie Brownstein Made a List, and it Was Mostly About Me.

Hey, everybody! It's me! Carrie Brownstein! I made a list for NYMag a few days ago of my top 23 favorite punk albums, but didn't say why they were my favorites, or what they made me think of, because ... lists, you know? If a list item had more than a sentence following its numerical, it wouldn't be a list, it would be a blog post, and who even cares about those either?

Spoiler alert: It's not actually Carrie Brownstein writing words at you right now. FOOLED YOU! It's ME! Kelly McClure!

So yeah, CB, AKA, Supreme Booty Brownstein, made a list of her top 23 punk albums that she has listened to, and cared about most throughout the years. She listed them in no particular order, and didn't give any explanations to why she liked them, or why she stopped at 23, which is the most random number I could possibly think of, apart from maybe 12. I figured I'd help fill in the blanks for everyone because I've been stalking Carrie Brownstein for years, and pretty much know what she means when she writes, says, or does things. We're just on THAT level, you know? Okay, so here we go.

Wire, 154
One time Carrie had to call in sick to work because she had cramps, and they hurt so bad that she didn't want to suffer through the long cab ride/bus ride home, so she came over to my place and I set her up on the couch with a heating blanket and a glass of whiskey for the pain. We watched episode after episode of The Wire until she fell asleep. So her listing this was actually meant as like an inside joke. Well it's not a joke to me actually. She leaves little hidden messages for me on the internet all the time. It's cute.

Au Pairs, “You” 7-inch 
See what I mean about hidden messages? By "You" here, she means "Me."

Delta 5, “Mind Your Own Business” 7-inch
When CB first decided to get fresh with me, we were sitting across from each other at a table in front of the DQ, eating dipped cones. I got a chocolate dipped cone (classic), and Carrie got a strawberry. At one point, catching my eye, Carrie wiggled her eyebrow at me and was like "can I get a taste of your ice cream?" I melted.

Undertones, “You’ve Got My Number (Why Don’t You Use It?)” 7-inch
Well, this is personal, but she knows I have a phone phobia. Now I guess you all do too. But, as I always say, "the sign of good journalism is making a fool out of yourself and as many other people as you possibly can."

Wipers, Is This Real?
Isn't it weird how confident a person is during the beginnings of a relationship, when everything is uncertain, and then the more serious things get, and the further you fall in love, the more you become like a literal crazy person who gets sad and unreasonable about almost every single thing that happens? Well famous rock stars experience this too. Yes, Carrie! It's real! How many times do I have to tell you that there's no reason to doubt this amazing love we have. It's real!

Talking Heads, Remain in Light
This is a song that she likes to sing in her car or something.

Bad Brains, “Pay to Cum” 7-inch
It's always interesting to see how different people approach having to write out the C word. Some people write "cum," and some people write "come." We had a big discussion about this one day while making sex. I personally write "come."

Fugazi, 13 Songs 
I was born on May 13th, and it was a Friday. Fugazi was super popular when I was in high school. Carrie has SUCH a good memory.

Mo-Dettes, “White Mice” 7-inch
Sometimes, when the light hits Carrie's eyes in a certain way, she looks like a little squinting mouse. I call her my "little white mouse" sometimes, and she tries to get mad and say I need to drop the "white" qualifier, and then I just make fun of how she lives in Portland.

The Slits, Cut 
This is too dirty of a story to tell. But just think about it. Slits? Cut? Oh god, this reminds me of how I saw a middle-aged woman reading 50 Shades of Grey on the subway while sitting next to her little child. It seemed illegal.

The Jam, All Mod Cons
Jam, Slits, are you starting to pick up a pattern here?

The Stooges, Fun House
The original title for this album was Full House, which is Carrie's favorite show. She can recite lines from every episode. It's things like this that make her extra special.

X-Ray Spex, Germ Free Adolescents
If you re-arrange all the letters up there, it spells out "let's have sex for the rest of our lives."

The Clash, Sandinista!
Carrie used to listen to The Clash a lot when she was still trying to convince people that she's bi-sexual. I tried to tell my Dad that I was bi-sexual once, and do you know what he said? He said "there's no such thing as being half pregnant." I think in Dad speak this means, either you're a faggot or you're not.

Rites of Spring, Self Titled
Carrie used to always call me her little Spring chicken, because I was born in the Spring. Portland doesn't really have a Spring, it kind of just goes from being misty and damp in a cold way, to misty and damp in a hot way. Reminds you of sex, when you think about it.

Buzzcocks, A Different Kind of Tension
One time I found a dick pic on Carrie's phone and the shit hit the fan. I made her sit in the bathroom and stare at it until she threw up, and then we listened to this album and cried together.

Minutemen, Double Nickles on the Dime
As a funny thing to say in bed, I used to refer to Carrie's nipples as "double nickles," both because nickles kind of rhymes with nipples, and because her nipples look like nickles.

Hüsker Dü, Zen Arcade
Have you ever even heard of a lesbian?

The Replacements, Let It Be
This is one of my all-time favorite albums. She knows this because I had it in my OkCupid profile

B-52’s, Wild Planet
Sometimes when Carrie comes back from tour, and the hub bub of being on the road knocked her off of her usual personal hygiene routine, things would get a little wild in certain spots. When I'd hear her car pull into the driveway after being gone for months, I'd run out to help her unload all her stuff, and then sing about her "wild planet" and wiggle my eyebrows down at her crotch. She'd laugh.

Television, Marquee Moon
Gang of Four, Entertainment!
Pylon, Gyrate

Those last three are just albums that she listens to while doing stuff around the house like re-stringing her guitar, or dusting our collection of books. I mean, we do use the word "Gyrate" a lot, but I don't want to jump to conclusions.