Thursday, April 4, 2013

Mom Advice: Real Advice From My Real Mom

My Mom reads this blog and offered to contribute some "Total Bozo Advice," so I called her bluff and now here's Mom Advice. I asked my real life Mom some real life advice questions, and here are her answers:

TOTAL BOZO: Be honest, how important is flossing, really? Like in your life how seriously do you take flossing?   

MOM: Less seriously than deodorant and more seriously than eyebrow plucking, but unless you have a seriously intimating dental hygienist don't make yourself crazy if you skip a day.

TOTAL BOZO: What's the best way to deal with the situation when somebody is talking to you and everything they say is boring and you want them to stop but they won't.

MOM: If you don't have backup people handy watching for your distress signal, like the Queen, you'll have to grab your stomach as if experiencing cramps, mutter, "Oh, no, not again," followed by, "Please excuse..." as you sprint toward the restroom.

TOTAL BOZO: When you have children, how often do you actually think "I am disappointed in this person," and why? 

MOM: Depends on whether your expectation is more like, "Any child of mine will have the sun shine out of his/her ass," or "Any child of mine will be lucky not to be totally screwed up."  If you expect the former, you are unlikely to interpret any situation as your child being disappointing--others will be at fault.  The latter expectation will generate secret disappointment that the kid did not take after you if she/he seems fairly normal.

TOTAL BOZO: It's really hard not to get all caught up in things when it seems like she wants it harder, and you start going turbo and it's like, wow, she's really into this, but you can never tell if she's into it into it or straining or just trying to act up for your benefit because when you go turbo like that it's not like when you do it slow and you have time to sort of process all the sensation feelings you're getting, so even if she's into it into it you can never tell if she's really RIGHT THERE or if you're going to have to do another, like, minute of pounding. I'm in shape enough to do a minute or two of solid pounding, jackhammer style, but I have a hard time turning off the feeling of it especially if she's getting all moany, and you don't really want to turn the feeling off anyway because you're both there and you gotta live with it, you know? Like think about baseball or German war atrocities or whatever. That's no way to live, and you know with the female mystery it's just not gonna work too good unless you're dialed in and THERE with it, you know? Like you can't treat it like work, they know about that, it dries them out and they're done. So the question is: when it's in the Paula Poundzone, do I pull a porno switch to back myself down but keep it just this is a meatslap since it seems like the flat-out is getting her there, but risk drying her out for the night on a fake-out, or do I just keep turbo and blast jazz like it's no biggie? Because I end up feeling bad about it either way, and I honestly don't know what's best other than to use my own judgment. I guess it's okay to just slow it down where it is, but you know it's like you get excited for turbo because oh my god this is finally working. It's probably just a thing where you just have to not be impatient, because that's a killer to ladypart sixth sense, and if you know your limits and don't mind going backwards a step or two to get the O's matched, it'll pay dividends. And just in general you don't want to overthink things because it doesn't have to be perfect every time, and it's not even fun if there's that much pressure on the situation every time you start making goo goo eyes. Nevermind, I think I just answered my own question. Thanks Mom.

MOM: Golly Wolly Doodle!