Friday, April 12, 2013

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Lindsay Lohan Bryce Harper celebrity blowjob. Tim Tebow nip slip. John Belushi Animal House nothing is over until we say it is. Taylor Swift naked puppy on a slide Playstation 4 release date. Kevin Ware broken leg crazy elevator prank boobs on the news. Top 20 epic photobombs Usain Bolt steroids exclusive meme trolls. What they should do with the new iPhone if Apple had the balls.

The one video you need to see about the economy. Nancy Pelosi wears a wig. You'll never believe what this Missouri State Senator had to say about gay marriage. Jim Boehner crying compilation. Father makes impassioned plea for gun control. Hilary Clinton is a lesbian. Teacher tells it like it is. Rand Paul space alien video proof. Marine Veteran lays it on the line in Tucson City Council meeting. Illegal immigrant Obama smoking gun. Awesome Grandma says legalize pot. Marco Rubio dick pic unphotoshopped version.

How do I know if I have herpes?

Dogs in hats. Pets with mustaches. Best cat costumes. Ostrich chick lost in blanket. Baby tiger had a long day. Panda takes a bath. Meerkats parade. Bulldog loves his mother. Guinea pig earmuffs. Deer helps ducklings cross the street. Polar bear belly flop. Squirrel pony best friends. Newborn rhino farts in sleep.

Spoiler alert: "Mad Men" Season 6 surprise shirt fashions. Which character from "The Wire" are you? The most bizarre show on television is on Animal Planet. What "Real Housewives of Miami Beach" says about who we are. Whither Aaron Sorkin: A Thinkpiece With 11 Jumps On The Inevitable Devolution Of A Manic Workaholic Craftsman Who Writes TV Shows. "Downton Abbey" Season 4 preview: how dead is Matthew this time? Seven essential tips for being better at watching television. "Game of Thrones" plot secrets revealed by somebody who actually read those long-ass books. 

Suffering, desire, and distractions torn free of all context and thrown at you like a giant raging toddler desperately heaving a fistful of gravel. New things. The end of old things. Smartly worded version of any opinion and take your pick please. The entirety of human consciousness diluted into one singularity and repurposed as a Coke Zero focus group. Coke zero sucks please. Pepsi Max sucks please.

Who should I start at OF this weekend between Michael Cuddyer, Melky Cabrera, and Starling Marte?

The hottest chicks on YouTube. LeBron James thunder dunk. Newtown security camera footage. Too Many People For One Planet And All Of Their Boneheaded Thoughts At Once, an dishearteningly transparent moneygrab of a halfassed rambling erudite musing by Salman Rushdie, who is apparently out fighting for scraps in the gutter like all the rest of us. What the fuck hope do we have? Please somebody make any sense to us even for one second. Please please. 

A video of a baby laughing. Something I can understand. I am scared. Tell me I'm okay. 

You are okay. You will never understand anything and that's okay. You are fine. You are better than anybody's ever been. You are too good. You need to relax. 

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