Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Lose Weight With Dat Sweaty Ass.

The other day I was busy at home, making my usual stalking rounds on Facebook, when I scrolled upon an ad for THESE. I don't want to type out the name of the product, because they already have an ad, and I know that they do because that's how I found out about them, because that's how ads work.

As I can gather from looking at this product, it's supposed to make your ass as sweaty as humanly possible so that you lose wait via ass sweat. Like you wear these, walk around to Starbucks or Target, or your weird job, and then eventually sweat just starts pouring from your ass and you lose weight that way. Right? Are we all on the same page with this? This is what they're telling us right? I'm guessing that a person would wear these, and while feeling their ass crack pool with sweat think something like "Good! I'm so glad my ass is this sweaty right now! Good for me! Best $100 I ever spent on something other than healthy food, or a couple of stimulating books!"

Why was there an ad for these on my Facebook wall? What is Facebook trying to tell me? Facebook has ads now, I'm sure you've seen them. Mine are usually for engagement rings, weird shoes I'd never wear, and pants to make my ass sweat. Can Facebook see me eating KFC at my desk every day while working on nonsense for 12 hours and thinking about The Notebook? Rude.

You can buy these ass sweat pants on Amazon. I buy most things on Amazon because I try to not ever leave the house. The first listing for these pants has 131 user reviews. Let's take a look at what these sweaty butts think about these sweaty butt pants:

*** Why would you want this? Why would you want a sauna in your pants? What's wrong with you?

*** If you have sweat dripping out of the bottom of your yoga pants, that makes you an actual monster.

*** This person is haunted by the swooshing noise their butt makes, and wants it to stop. They don't like it.

I don't like it when my butt sweats. I don't like the way it feels. Butt sweat makes me feel like pretty soon I'd have worms if I kept living my life in such a sweaty butt way. I guess if you like it though, you should buy these pants. The world is big and you can have a sweaty butt in it if you want to I guess.