Friday, May 31, 2013

Talented 14-Year-Old Girl Doing a Van Halen Cover Looks Like a Bitch and Should Be Someone's Girlfriend.


I have my own apartment in Brooklyn, NY. By "my own" I mean, It's mine. I'm the only one who lives here, aside from my cat, who is my friend. I'm so obsessed with how wonderful and rare of a thing this is that I clean my apartment, and everything in it, daily. You could deliver a baby in here. You could dust for fingerprints in here and find maybe three. Sometimes I sit at my desk chair and stare over to the baseboard on my right hand side where there's this flap of molding coming loose and think "I bet there's a bug in there." In my mind, this one little flap, this one minor imperfection, is a catch all for anything bad that could possibly ever find its way into my home. Sort of like how the Internet, in and of itself, is a flap in the universe where, if peeled back, every single horrible monster of a thing or person you could possibly imagine, ever is revealed. All just buzzing around, waiting to tell you that you look like a bitch slut French freak liar.


What you see up there is a home video of a 14-year-old girl awkwardly slaughtering a rendition of Van Halen's "Eruption." She looks just as comfortable playing guitar in this video as she would be taking a shit in front of her home room class, but she is without question very, very talented for her age, or any other age. From her Kohls jeans, to her cap-sleeve t-shirt, to her My Little Pony hairdo, to her friendship bracelet that she probably cares way more about that the person who gave it to her would have intended, she is a teenage girl. Watching this video almost has a smell. And that smell is of eight-hour old maxi pad. There is nothing wrong with this. She is perfect. She is exactly how she should be. She is better than you. She looks like a bitch.

That was the first comment that caught my eye after breaking the #1 golden rule of the Internet: Don't read the comments. Someone out there in the flap watched this video of a young girl playing a guitar very well, and then signed into their Youtube account to leave the comment "Girl looks like a bitch." The process of doing this probably took longer than the minute and some odd seconds it took to watch the video itself. Why would someone do this? There's a simple answer, and it's the same answer that can be given to many of life's other questions, and it's: "Because 99% of the world's population is both physically and mentally retarded." But not this girl. Not Tina. And that makes her, obviously, a fat fucking ugly slut.

Another person lower down in the flap said that Tina here should be his girlfriend. Well that's very nice. That's nice that you want Tina to be your girlfriend. I'm sure she'd love to be the girlfriend of a physically and mentally retarded 42-year-old Walmart employee who lives in a basement apartment and sells pot at the college campus. Who wouldn't want that? And it was nice of you to compliment her by saying she should be your girlfriend. This means she's pretty enough to be your girlfriend. I bet she was daydreaming about this possibility, the possibility of being your girlfriend, while playing guitar for this video. 

When I was 14 I was listening to The Cure and daydreaming about being a werewolf or a vampire. When I was 14 I ate my first vagina, and it belonged to a red head. Can you imagine how scary that was for me? Well it wasn't. Because I was disgusting. When I was 14 I rubbed baby oil in my poofy, curly hair to try to make it straighter, even though it could never, will never, should never be. I was weird and gross and loud and you wouldn't have wanted me to be your girlfriend. I wouldn't have given a fuck. Tina doesn't give a fuck either. She doesn't have to perform for you. She's busy. 


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