Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The World's First Deodorized Business Casual Business Suit. For Ladies.

I need to start this by saying that I pitched this idea to a brand new ladies satire magazine and was told it was too complicated, and too invent-y. I, Kelly McClure, am also too complicated and too invent-y.

So you know that thing about how Andrew WK wants you to keep your vagina fresh, if you have a vagina, so that you can get a man? Well I used to work at the place where he filmed the commercials for this product, but I wasn't given any samples of his pussy wipes because I'm just a dumb girl and why would anyone talk to me anyway? Plus I think I look like maybe I have a clean smelling pussy, which I do. I spend more on bathroom crap than I do on rent, and yet I would still never buy a wipe or a spray that makes my nethers smell like a dusty rose or a refreshing waterfall. Vagina should smell like vagina. No woman has a problem with how her vagina smells unless she 1) has a cootie, or 2) is worried that someone ELSE thinks that her vagina smells funny. I like the way vagina smells as is. Sometimes my GF will be like "don't go down there, I haven't showered in seven hours," and I will be like "stop it," because to be quite frank, the stankier the better. If you don't like the way vagina smells, maybe you 1) just don't like vagina, or 2) hate yourself. The ads for this pussy wipe show a beaver and say something like (exactly like) a clean beaver gets more wood. Every time I come across this ad I can't help but think of what I would have pitched for the slogan: A dirty beaver chews up wood and spits it out.

Circling back around to my reason for writing all of this: crotch smells, I am wondering why, since someone has come up with a way to eliminate pussy smells, breath smells, foot smells, butt smells, armpit smells, and scalp smells, consumers have yet to be presented with a one stop shop killer of all smells, for the feminine, sassy lady on the go. Well I've invented it.

Name of product: FuitFresh.
Why is it called this? Combines "feminine," with "suit," and "fresh."
Why is it a business casual business suit? What else are women supposed to wear to work?
What is it for? Combining high fashion with state of the art technology, the suit would suck away body moisture, and coat the skin with a time released deodorizing gel, while also being made of aromatherapy coated fibers.
What would the slogan be? FuitFresh: For When You Need All Bases Covered.
Alternate slogan: FuitFresh: For when the carpet matches the drapes - stink wise.

Visually, the suit itself would be a cross between this:

And this:

I have another invention I'm toying with that tackles how shameful a period is. Instead of inserting a tampon during that time of the month, you'd simply put a specially crafted rubberized cocktail umbrella inside of you, which would cause your blood to build up into your body until it reached your nasal passages, at which time you could discreetly excuse yourself and blow it out your nose into an extra absorbent facial tissue, which would be sold separately.